Back in Black...hawks

by JoeCoolMan24 on Jan 12, 2009 10:26 PM CST Comment 8 comments

I am the Sports Editor of my newspaper, and this is my newest "column".

Joe O’Rourke
1st Draft
January 12, 2009

Back in Blackhawks

1961 was a long time ago. For Cubs fans it may seem like just last week, but for Chicago Blackhawk fans; an eternity. Gone are the days when Blackhawks legends Stan Mikita and “The Golden Jet”, Bobby Hull, were shredding opposing goalies and winning the cup of Lord Stanley over the rivaled Detroit Red Wings. The Blackhawks, coached by Joel Quenneville after former coach Dennis Savard was fired four games into this season, are starting a new youth movement and barring injuries, should be a force in the Central division for many years to come.

The Blackhawks have one of the best young duos in the NHL. 19-year-old Jonathan Toews was drafted by the Blackhawks third overall in 2006, and his partner in crime, 20-year-old Patrick Kane, was taken first overall in 2007. Sometimes it pays to be the laughing stock of the league for a few years to acquire all the young talent by getting good draft picks. Just ask the Tampa Bay Rays.

The Blackhawks are currently in second place in the Central division behind the rival Detroit Red Wings. The Blackhawks have a nice tandem of goalies between the pipes with Nikolai Khabibulin and Cristobal Huet. Not many teams are fortunate enough to have a pair of goalies this good. Khabibulin is ranked eight in the league in average goals against per game, and former Capitals goalie, Huet, ranks 14th.

Kane and Toews combine for 74 points (a goal and an assist both count as one point each) this season in 40 games. Kane has been nursing a sore ankle since December 30th when he received a hard check from a Red Wings player. Among other top Blackhawk players include right-winger Patrick Sharp. Sharp has 20 goals this season which ranks him fourth in the Western Conference. Defenseman Duncan Keith is ranked first in plus/minus (players get a +1 when he is on the ice when his team scores; a -1 when the other team scores) in the league with +22. Left-winger Kris Versteeg leads all NHL rookies with 33 points. The future is bright for the Blackhawks who are the youngest team in the NHL.

The Blackhawks are bringing hockey back up in Chicago. Last season the Hawks were 19th in attendance, and now this season they are first. The Hawks even draw better attendance than the Bulls. Comcast SportsNet broadcasts more Hawks games this season than ever before. Season-ticket sales are up 300 percent. Even merchandise sales are up an astonishing 234 percent, highest among the 30 NHL teams. Chicago is returning to glory on the ice, and you would be doing yourself a favor by going to at least one Hawks game this season. I will admit that games on T.V. are not the most exciting to watch, but in my opinion, there is no live sport that can compare to NHL hockey.

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thats great that your spreading the word, but i hope this is a middle school paper because your writing could use some work. I am by no means a renowned journalist, but your article contains too many similar length subject verb sentences. this makes it very boring and choppy. i don’t know if your were looking for constructive criticism by posting this…but here it is.

by torpedo0126 on Jan 29, 2009 8:37 PM CST reply actions

Highschool

And elaborate.

by JoeCoolMan24 on Jan 30, 2009 10:56 PM CST up reply actions

I'm too far removed from any english classes

to tell you why, exactly, some of these sentences are wrong. But torpedo’s right. They are wrong.

Here’s two things I could tell you.

- Avoid using cliches at all times – especially if they don’t make sense. If Kane and Toews were both enforcers, it would make sense to call them partners in crime, but it would still be a shitty cliche. However, since we’re talking about a couple of golden boys who teared up near the end of Marley and Me, it just doesn’t work.

-Make sure each sentence leads into the next. This reads like a bunch of bullet points somewhat awkwardly compiled into paragraphs. Take this paragraph for example…

"Kane and Toews combine for 74 points (a goal and an assist both count as one point each) this season in 40 games. Kane has been nursing a sore ankle since December 30th when he received a hard check from a Red Wings player. Among other top Blackhawk players include right-winger Patrick Sharp……The future is bright for the Blackhawks who are the youngest team in the NHL. "

That second sentence has little to do with anything else in the paragraph or the rest of the article. I’d probably drop it, or start the paragraph by saying “Despite nursing a sore ankle recently….”

I’d probably drop the last sentence in that paragraph. The nugget about them being the youngest team should probably be placed earlier in the article.

Anyway, not trying to be a dick, just offering some non-expert, booze-tainted advice.

by chrome on Jan 31, 2009 12:54 AM CST up reply actions

i don’t know the rules for journalism, but you should avoid using “be” verbs (am are is was were been being became become). the reason is this called the passive voice and there is not actor. For example:

Michael Jordan was the MVP in NBA. (Passive voice)

The NBA awarded Michael Jordan the MVP. (active voice)

Active voice contains an “action” verb and is much more interesting.

I would also try to avoid using “you” or “we” unless it is some sort of editorial.

Are you interested in pursuing a career in writing or journalism?

by torpedo0126 on Jan 31, 2009 6:23 PM CST reply actions

1961 was a long time ago?

No fucking way. Really?

by mjthor on Feb 1, 2009 7:26 PM CST reply actions

Excuse my rudeness

I’m actually in the middle of grading a stack of 40 11th-grade papers, but unfortunately I can’t make comments such as the one I just made to you (and believe me, I’d be making them every goddamn sentence).

If you’re really interested in honest criticism, I’d have to spend a lot of time with this article. For now, suffice to say that your writing would be in the top half of the classes I’m teaching. However, it does need a lot of work.

For starters, stay away from short, choppy declarative sentences like “The Blackhawks have one of the best young duos in the NHL.” It’s predictable and obvious. Instead of saying “19-year-old Toews was drafted…” (by the way, he’s 20), just say something like “third overall pick Jonathan Toews blah blah blah…”

The article really only serves the purpose of reporting a few basic facts and stats that can be easily found. Instead of just reporting facts and stats, tell us the significance of them. (This has been a constant complaint of mine with these papers I’m grading, which are about a Hemingway short story. Most of them focus on plot summary — facts — instead of analysis of the text.) Show me some analysis, make it interesting to read, and goddamnit, tell me what you think about the team, not about the fanbase or the experience of watching a game. It’s sports journalism, and by writing an article you’re implicitly assuming a position of (perceived) expertise. Oh, and don’t say “in my opinion.” We already know it’s in your opinion, and it makes the article/argument sound weak.

And fuck this sentence: “The Blackhawks are bringing hockey back up in Chicago.” Did you proofread this?

Hope this helps, and I don’t mean to be rude — just honest. Sugarcoated criticism isn’t going to make you a better writer.

by mjthor on Feb 1, 2009 7:41 PM CST up reply actions