HIIIII!  BILLY MAYS HERE FOR SECOND CITY HOCKEY'S PLAYOFF BEARD OF THE DAY!  DO YOU NEED TO CLEAN UP SOME SLOPPY PLAY AND GET YOUR PLAYOFF TEAM BACK ON TRACK!?  HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU GIVEN UP THE LEAD ON THE ROAD!?  HAVE YOU DEFEATED YOUR FANS, BROUGHT THEM BACK TO LIFE ONLY TO SEE THEM BECOME DEFEATED ONCE MORE ALL WITHIN THE SPAN OF ONE GAME!?  WELL GUESS WHAT!?!

I'VE GOT JUST WHAT YOU NEED!!  IT'S CALLED TWO DAYS REST AND A MADHOUSE BACK THE UNITED CENTER!  JUST CALL ME IN AND I'LL CLEAN UP WHATEVER IS WRONG WITH YOUR TEAM WITH MY PATENTED UNNATURALLY BLACK BEARD AND OXICLEAN!  NO MORE ANNOYING FUCKING AIR HORNS!  NO MORE "C OF RED"! 

WITH GAMES AT THE UNITED CENTER YOU'LL GET A LOUD PASSIONATE FAN BASE ROOTING FOR YOUR GOALS!  CHEERING YOU ON EVERY BREAKAWAY, HIT AND BIG SAVE!  CALL ME IN NOW AND I'LL GIVE YOU TWO MORE HOME GAMES AND A CHANCE TO FINALLY PUNCH MIKE KEENAN IN THE FACE!