The Odd Couple, Episode 12: The New Captain

You can read Episodes 1-11 on my blog, HERE.


[Interior, Tazer and Kaner's Lake Shore Drive apartment. It is 2:00 AM and Kaner has been tossing and turning in bed for over an hour. Kaner usually sleeps on his side but due to the pain in his recently injured ankle he is forced to lie on his back in an uncomfortable position.]

Kaner: Fuck this shit.

[Kaner throws off his Return of the Jedi comforter, props himself up on his crutches and starts moving himself out of his bedroom down the hallway to the bathroom.]

Kaner [To himself]: Might as well drain the old lizard.

[After evacuating his bladder, Kaner continues down the hallway to the kitchen. As he passes Tazer's bedroom, he nudges the door open with one of his crutches. Kaner pokes his head in and sees Tazer sleeping as a soft white nimbus of light pulsates gently around his sleeping form.]

Kaner [To himself]: God damn Jesus-freak.

[Kaner continues on into the kitchen where he fixes himself a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk.]

Kaner [To himself]: Mama said milk is good for my bones and will make my ankle feel better.

[Kaner sits down on the couch and props up his sore ankle on a pillow, then turns on the TV, fires up the TiVO and starts watching episodes of his favorite television show, Tom and Jerry.]

Kaner [To the television]: Tom, you stupid fuckface, Jerry owns your ass every time.

[Kaner dunks a cookie in the milk until it is nice and soggy before taking a bite.]

Kaner [Singing softly to himself with a mouthful of cookies and milk]: Cookies and milk, milk and cookies, makes me feel fuzzy, just like a Wookie. [Swallows] Hahaha! Good one, Kaner.

[A half-hour later Kaner falls asleep with crumbs distributed liberally across the front of his Harry Potter pajamas and the television still on. Standing and watching all of this in the shadows of another hallway is Rinkesh AKA Rinky, Tazer and Kaner's slave houseboy.]

[Rinkesh approaches Kaner on silent feet.]

Rinky [Quietly to himself]: Oh, sir. We cannot have this every night, you know. It is of paramount importance that your ankle heals as quickly as possible.

Kaner [Talking in his sleep]: Cookies and milk....

Rinky: Yes, sir, I know.

[Rinky pulls out a small horse hair brush from his breast pocket and quickly brushes the crumbs off Kaner's chest onto the floor. Rinky then walks down the hallway and into Tazer's bedroom.]

Rinky [Looking at Tazer and talking to himself]: I thought we had resolved that issue with the glowing. I see we will have to work on that.

[Rinky gently shakes Tazer awake.]

Tazer [Fully awake and alert]: What is it, Rinkesh? Is everything okay?

Rinky: Yes, sir. Everything is fine sir. It is Master Kane, sir. May I prevail upon you to carry him to bed again?

Tazer: Of course.

[Tazer walks into the living room, picks up Kaner, carries him to his bedroom and tucks him into bed.]

Tazer [Leaning down to whisper in Kaner's ear]: We need you back soon, buddy. Get some sleep, okay?

[As Rinky and Tazer leave Kaner's room, Tazer turns on the Ewok night light next to the door.]

Rinky [To Tazer]: Sir, may I have a word with you before you retire for the rest of the evening?

Tazer: Of course, Rinkseh, what is it about?

[Tazer and Rinkesh walk back to Tazer's bedroom. Rinkesh gestures for Tazer to have a seat on the bed.]

Rinky: How are you feeling, sir?

Tazer: A few bumps and bruises, the usual for this time of year. Why do you ask?

Rinky: Just inquiring, sir. And your mental health, sir? How would you describe that?

Tazer: Oh, um, a little stressed out, I guess. Things are not as easy as they were last year. We are all trying to pick up the slack.

Rinky: I understand. You must feel a bit more pressure than the others though, considering you are the Captain.

Tazer: I suppose that is true.

Rinky: I see. Thank you, sir.

Tazer: Why are you asking me all these questions?

Rinky: Just checking in, sir. One more question, if I may, sir?

Tazer: Go ahead.

Rinky: Can you authenticate my pass code?

Tazer [With a blank look in his eyes and a flat voice]: State your pass code.

Rinky: Tomahawk.

Tazer: Pass code authenticated.

Rinky: Power down, sir.

[Tazer's head and shoulders slump forward as he nearly falls out off the edge of the bed. Rinky catches him then shoves him awkwardly back onto the bed.]

[From a different pocket, Rinkesh retrieves a mobile device]

Rinky: Dial Rockwell Wirtz.

[The mobile device rings several times before a connection is established.]

Rocky Wirtz [Via the Mobile device]: It's three o'clock in the morning, Rinkesh. What the hell do you want?

Rinky: Yes, sir, deepest apologies, sir. Number nineteen needs some maintenance, sir.

Rocky: Oh. I see. What's the problem?

Rinky: He's glowing again, sir and he's feeling a bit depressed.

Rocky: Hmm. Okay. Troubleshoot the glowing issue. There's probably a leak near the cold-fusion reactor. When you have that fixed, I'm going to need you to tweak his personal attributes processor settings.

Rinky: Is that wise, sir?

Rocky: It's a risk we're going to have to take. The team needs more from him this year and his humility and modesty are holding everyone back.

Rinky: I understand, sir.

Rocky: Let me know when it's done.

Rinky: Very well, sir. I will begin immediately, sir.

[Rinky terminates the connection and puts the mobile device back in his pocket. He leaves the bedroom and returns a few minutes later carrying a toolbox. A few minutes after that, Rinkesh has number nineteen's chest plate removed and is shining a flashlight into the cold fusion reactor, checking all the wiring and cabling. After a couple hours he eventually locates a power cable with a loose connector and replaces it. Then with a considerable amount of strenuous pushing and pulling, Rinky is able to flip Tazer onto his stomach and pull down Tazer's shorts. Just as Rinky is about to insert a USB cable into Tazer's anus, a voice from behind freezes his hand in mid-air.]

Kaner [Leaning on his crutches in the bedroom doorway]: What the fuck is going on here?!

Rinky [Turns around to face Kaner]: Oh, good morning, sir.

Kaner: I knew it! Tazer is gay and likes small, brown, hairless boys!

Rinky: No, it is not like that sir.

Kaner [Growing agitated]: You're practically elbow deep in his ass! What the fuck is going on here? Tazer! What the fuck is going on here?!

Rinky: He is not awake right now, sir.

Kaner [Confused and growing panicky]: What did you do? Did you drug him? Are you raping him?

Rinky: Calm down, sir. Let me explain.

Kaner: Explain what?! You were about to give him a rim job, weren't you?

Rinky: The man you know as Jonathan Toews is not, strictly speaking, human.

Kaner: What the fuck are you talking about?

Rinky: Technically he is a cybernetic organism or more commonly, a cyborg.

Kaner: Like a fucking robot?

Rinky: Not exactly, sir. He is partly biological and partly artificial.

Kaner: What the fuck?

Rinky: In terms you would understand, sir, he is very much like Darth Vader.

Kaner [Scared]: What the fuck?

Rinky: He is part man and part machine. He was created in a laboratory over twenty two years ago in a private endeavor funded by the Wirtz family.

Kaner: Mr. Wirtz?

Rinky: Just so. Or to be more precise, his father, William, is the one who originally underwrote the project.

[Kaner stares at Tazer's bare ass for a minute]

Rinky: I realize this must be a difficult situation to comprehend. You were never supposed to know. It is my own fault for taking too long with the repairs. I thought you would be sleeping for some time yet.

Kaner [Still staring at bare ass]: What repairs?

Rinky: You may have noticed that Master Toews sometimes appears to glow softly?

Kaner [Nodding his head]: I thought it was because he was holy...

Rinky: That is a concept that the Wirtz family and Mr. McDonough like to perpetuate - that he is a minor divinity. Actually, number nineteen is powered by a state-of-the-art cold-fusion nuclear reactor core. There was a loose power coupling that was leaking radiation and that is what was causing the glow.

Kaner: What's up with his ass?

Rinky: I was about to connect this USB cable from number nineteen to my laptop when you interrupted me. His data port is hidden behind his sphincter.

Kaner: That's sick, bro.

Rinky: It is a rather clever hiding place, I thought.

Kaner [Becoming more interested]: Does he take dumps?

Rinky: No, number nineteen does not produce waste.

Kaner: Wow.

Rinky: Indeed. Now, sir, please have a seat. You must stay off your feet as much as possible.

[Kaner goes back to his bedroom and pulls a chair into Tzaer's room. When he returns, Rinky has established a connection between number nineteen and the laptop.]

Kaner [Fully fascinated now, looking at the laptop's screen]: What are you doing?

Rinky: Mr. Wirtz has instructed me to modify number nineteen's personal attributes. His personality, if you will?

Kaner: Really? Sweet. Can you make him not be so queer?

Rinky [Typing on the keyboard]: I think you may be pleased with some of the changes I am going to make. I will be lowering his social inhibitions as well as his modesty and humility. I will also be increasing his aggression and combativeness. [Finishes typing] There. All done.

[Rinky unplugs the cable, pulls up number nineteen's shorts and again, with much effort, flips him onto his back.]

Kaner [Staring into number nineteen's chest cavity]: Holy shit! Motherfucking Vader!

Rinky: Oh, yes, I apologize. I still have to put his chest plate back on.

[Rinky grabs his tools again and in a few minutes he has the chest plate in place.]

Kaner [Leaning forward]: You don't even know it's there.

Rinky: Oh, yes, everything is quite seamless. Now, sir, I must tell you something and this is of paramount importance.

Kaner: S'up?

Rinky: Number nineteen, or Tazer if you prefer, is not self-aware. That is to say, he does not know that he is a cyborg.

Kaner: Huh.

Rinky: You must never give any indication that he is anything other than the teammate and friend you have always known him to be.

Kaner: I understand, dude.

Rinky: Go to the living room, sit down on the couch and turn on the television. We will be out shortly. Remember, you don't know anything.

Kaner: I got it, bro.

[Kaner goes back to the living room and starts watching Sesame Street.]

Tazer [From behind]: What up, Brometheus?

Kaner [Singing]: Sunny days, keeping the clouds away- [Whips his head around to look at Tazer] Brometheus?

Tazer: It's a motherfucking play on words, numb-nuts. An allusion to Greek mythology. You're about as quick as that asshole Boynton.

[Kaner stares at Tazer, shocked into silence]

Tazer: What are you looking at, slap-dick?

Kaner: Uh, nothing.

Tazer: You must be fucking queer or something, staring at me like that.

Kaner: I ain't fucking gay!

Tazer: I'm not gay either, hog-swallower.

Kaner: Homo!

Tazer: Knob-polisher!

Kaner: Butt-sniffer!

Tazer: Taint-licker!

Kaner: Ass-grabber!

Tazer: Jizz-junkie!

Kaner: Rump Ranger!

Rinky: Gentlemen, please!

[Tazer and Kaner both turn to look at Rinky]

Rinky: Master Kane is recovering from an injury and needs to rest. Master Toews, please refrain from raising his blood pressure.

Tazer and Kaner [Simultaneously, mumbled]: Sorry.

Tazer [Under his breath, to himself]: Dong-chaser.

Rinky: Now, what would you like for breakfast?

Kaner: I know Tazer wants a foot-long sausage.

Tazer: Motherfucker!

[Tazer jumps on the couch and starts boxing Kaner about the ears. Eventually Tazer gets Kaner into a full nelson with Kaner's face smashed into the couch cushions.]

Kaner [Muffled, into the cushions]: Help! Help! I'm being raped by a Canadian homo!

Tazer: I told you I am not a homo!

Kaner: Then why are you sitting on my ass?

Tazer [Mortified, looks down, then quickly leaps off the couch]: That was an accident!

Kaner: Butt pirate.

Rinky [To himself, slowly shaking his head in resignation]: Perhaps this was a bad idea.

Rinky [Aloud]: Breakfast, gentleman?

Tazer: Gimme a piece of poon and a brewski!

Kaner: Beer me!

Rinky [To himself]: Sweet Krishna, what have I done?

Tazer [To Kaner]: Call of Duty or Rock Band?

Kaner: Rock Band, bro!

[Rinky brings each of them a beer]

Tazer: One, two, three, pound it!

[They both drink their beers in three seconds]

Tazer: Rinky! Get your skinny brown ass on those drums!

Kaner [Gets up off the couch onto his crutches, then into his microphone]: We are FALCONHAWK!!!

Tazer: Fuckin' A, bro!

Rinky: God damn it.

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!

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