I Know It Sounds Funny But I Just Can't Stand The Pain - Caps @ Hawks Preview, Thread, Catholic Mass

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Game Time: 11:30 in the goddamn morning
Radio: WGN
Those Clowns In Washington Did It Again. What A Bunch Of Clowns: Japer's Rink

Mark this day in history, Juggalos. We've had many a game recap written while actively intoxicated. This morning marks the first ever preview written while one of the authors of this "site" is completely gassed up. And because of that, I'm willing to throw caution to the wind at this point, because I've been banned from writing previews due to my recent losing streak when doing so.

So yesterday afternoon's tilt was a cock punch, make no mistake about it. The Hawks played well enough to win for the vast majority of the game, and still came away with jack and shit. Personally, I liked a lot of what I saw, but there was some ugliness peppered in. And none of said ugliness is going to fly against the visiting Capitals. They're the league front-runners for the President's Trophy as basically the early 90's Buffalo Bills On Ice. Part of that has to do with the fact that they play in the Popsicle Division in the Cupcake Conference, but all that aside, this team is the balls offensively. Alexanders Semin and Ovechkin lead the charge, centered by the Swedish Niklas Backstrom. Mike Green and his faux-hawk are the catalyst for it all from the blue line. There are questions about the rest of the defensive corps, as well as the tandem of Jose Theodore and Semyon Varlamov in net, but what's up front hides a multitude of sins elsewhere. Make no mistake, the big Red, White, and Blue machine is steamrolling into the Madhouse this morning.

As for our beloved Men of Four Feathers, if the defense plays anything like they have since mid-January, the Caps are going to drop a 9-burger on them. Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook (Biscuit in particular) had better snap to it if they'd prefer to not be embarassed on national american television, even though the numbers at that time in the morning for "our" demographic are going to be negligible. Jordan Hendry has to dress in favor of Brent Sopel if the Hawks don't want to have to put Sopel on IR because of windburn and/or whiplash, considering Scott Hartnell absolutely blew by him yesterday. Up front, Patrick Kane, who appears to be fighting it, needs to fire the puck when he gets a chance since he's been reluctant to do so over the past few games, and any time Dave Bolland wants to make himself noticable as an actual NHL second line center is alright by me. Fortunately, the Ladd/Madden/VERSTEEG! combination has come to life and is picking up a modicum of the slack. Antti Niemi gets the start, and if this isn't a litmus test for all who think he can be THE GUY come the middle of next month, then I don't know what is.

The NBC broadcast crew last week was probably not too far off in setting the over/under for the game at 15 goals, and it will likely prove to be an end-to-end, surprisingly nasty affair (recall the last time Dat Ovechkin Guy was in town two years ago and he and Toews were prepared to skull fuck one another for the entire 60 minutes). You know it's an important game when Fels is bringing his father who is for the most part indifferent to hockey to it. Just for fun, take a sip every time the phrase "Stanley Cup Preview" is uttered during the broadcast. You're guaranteed to be shit-wasted on screwdrivers before the end of brunch. Let's Go Hawks.

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