Letter to Soupy from Hjalmarsson

Editor's Note - In these trying times, humor is the best medicine. With that, I'm pleased to bump this entry from ChicagoNativeSon to the main page. Job well done, sir. --McClure

Dear Soupy, (I still don't get how that rhymes with Brian or Campbell? Plus you look more like that Dinty Moore kid to me. Maybe "Stewy" then?)

Please hurry back. I heard in the media and on numerous blogs that you're just "milking it". I hope that's true and you'll be on the ice soon because as you know, milk builds strong bones and does a body good. As usual, Coach Q won't tell us anything and just keeps repeating "He's got a shoulder. He's got a rib." I already knew that, duh!! I wish people wouldn't keep me in the dark on these things. Maybe my English is still not so good...

Kim Johnsson is really starting to freak me out and I'm worried about this upcoming road trip. New "partner" doesn't translate very well into Swedish and last night I found him sleeping in my ASPELUND. He also keeps making sexual innuendos about his MEATBALLS and singing in the TOFTBO that "Salty Balls" song by South Park's "Chef". I think I'll sleep with the LJUSÅS UVÅS on.

I mentioned this to Keith and Seabs in the locker room. Duncs told me not to worry and that he'd "watch my back" (I never noticed he was such close-talker before). He offered to let me crash in their room and suggested we buy some Absolut and rent Swedish movies from the 70's. (I'm so glad he's finally willing to expand his cultural horizons!) Seabs has been giving me dirty looks all day though, so I might just sleep in the hallway. Hopefully Kaner doesn't trip over me.

What's bothering me even more are the media headlines. On Monday, a story in the Trib read, "Due to Campbell's Absence, Hjalmarsson Plays with Johnsson". This is really misleading. I even got an email from my mom back home and I think I'm grounded. Then yesterday at practice, I accidentally highsticked Kim above his lip. Of course, minutes later JayZ twitters "Hjalmarsson Sticks Johnsson in Mouth." This has to stop.

The straw that broke the reindeer's back though was what happened after practice. Kopecky was home taking care of Hossa, so Kim and I figured we'd pick up the slack and fake bitch-slap Niemi around. (It's really more of a Scandinavian thing anyways. Kopecky's such a poser) Well, as I sat down at my JOKKMOKK to write this, I googled "Blackhawks" to see how to spell my name. Of course, there on my own team's website, "Hammer Smacks 'Aunty's' Face with Johnsson." Are you fucking kidding me??

Well, needless to say I miss you.

Your partner bud,

Niklas Hammerstein Hjammerson Hjalmarsson

P.S. This new guy Boynton is such a pain. He must have watched too much Muppets as a kid and keeps calling me "Chef". He denies it, but every time he skates past I can hear him mumble "Börk, börk, börk." What a dick! Eager thinks Boynton's funny though, but that's probably because he TIVO's Sesame Street.