The Days of our Defense

Episode I:

The Odd Couple

S: You love Doughty more than me.
K: Well, he doesn’t make turnovers like you do
S: Oh, now you’re insulting my cooking?
K: He kisses better too
S: That’s it, you’re spurning me for another D-man?
K: I’m Norris material, babe. Get with the program.
S: I’m going to visit my mother. Or see if Madden will take me in.

Episode II:

The Dialogue Continues

Seabs: I saw you looking at him.
Keith: Baby, I’m telling you, it’s over, it was a brief fling.
S: Is it because he’s younger than me?
K: That’s not it.
S: Than what is it? I’m tired of your lies, just be honest.
K: Face it babe, he showcases my Norris abilities better than you.
S: Oh yeah. Fine. See how well you do on your own.

(later)
K: Where the fuck did you go?
S: Didn’t like that one too much did you?
K: Hell hath no fury like a d-man scorned.

Episode III:

After The Game

Seabs sneaks into the King’s locker room to confront Doughty.

S: Drew, we need to talk.
D: Shit, I thought they had security here. Who the fuck are you?
S: It’s me Brent..
D: Who?
S: Brent, Brent Seabrook.
D: Not ringing a bell.
S: Olympic team? Whatever… we need to talk.
D: Shit, where’s security.
S: Listen, I know Duncs is hard to resist, but you have to understand, he’s mine.
D: What the hell are you talkin about?
S: We go together, like biscuits and gravy, Q and his mustache, Burish and STDs.
D: Listen Brett,
S: IT’S BRENT.. AND I WANT YOU TO LEAVE MY D-MAN ALONE!
D: Um, dude, I’m not into d-men.
S: Oh. OK. Well then, want Kaner’s number?

Episode IV: 

Soupy Gets Hurt

Keith: Hey Biscuit, I took the homemade potpourri you made for Soupy to the hospital.
Seabs: Oh Dunky, you are the best!
K: I know how much this upset you.
S: Duncs, it coulda been you!
K: Here’s a tissue, blow your nose.
S: We should have taken him out in the Olympics when we had the chance.
K: Now, now, Biscuit, who knew it would come to this.
S: But Dunky, this is devastating. (sobs into his kleenex)
K: Baby, we’ll just have to play harder.
S: I just can’t help it, if it were you, I’d be lost… and benched.
K: Don’t forget about the Norris, babe.
S: I sure hope he taught you that spin-o-rama move already, you’re so cute out on the ice when you move like that.
K: Stop crying Biscuit, we’ll win it all for the Ginger.
S: Ok Dunky! You really know how to make me smile in the face of adversity!

Episode V:

Wiz, Friend or Enemy?

Pre-game:

S: Duncs, I know you were quite fond of Wiz when he played with us.
K: He’s gonna try to bait you, he always wanted a Norris quality partner, babe, but never got one.
S: OK Dunky, I believe you.

After the 1st:

Wiz: Hey Seabs, heard you and Duncs were having some issues.
S: You’re just jealous, bitch.
W: You know he’d have gotten his Norris if it wasn’t for you, bitchass.
S: You’re a punk.
W: I know you are but what am I?
S: Dunky told me you’re a dickhead, liar piece of shit.
W: Watch it there, wuss boy, you’re no Burwood in the trash talk department.

Just before “The Hit”:
S: Hey Pussy! Don’t you wish you could play like me and partner with a Norris quality D-man? (sticks tongue out for good measure).
W: Wanna see what it’s like to be Eager?

After “The Hit”:
K: WTF? Is that my little Biscuit with his eyes rolling back in his head?
W: What of it, dick boy? Not like he could think without you anyway.
K: YOU [punch] WILL NOT [punch] HURT [punch] MY PARTNER
W: Crap
K: (under his breath) who showcases my Norris abilities just fine.

Seabs gets up: He LOVES me! He really loves me!

The euphoria wears off:
S: Oh fuck, this is what it’s like to be Eager? I think I’m gonna throw up.

Fade to shot of Seabs in the hospital doodling DK+BS 4Ever on his CATscan print out

Episode VI:

What do you do with a problem like Wiz?

Seabs: Dunky, I’ve been thinking about attending Wiz’s wedding.
Dunc: Biscuit, honey, remember, he hurt you.
S: Oh yeah, I can’t seem to remember that part. Well, how about we throw a bachelor party for him?
D: Oh, I think we can arrange something appropriate.
S: Dunky, you’re my hero! I know you’re gonna get the Norris this year!
D: It’s in the bag, babe.

Biscuit's Dream Sequence (written by BigCSouthside, whiner):

Priest: I now pronounce you, Man and Wife, you may kiss the Bride

(Seabs comes charging up the aisle and lays a savage head hit on Wiz)

Seabs: Wait, I did nothing wrong…I didnt go for the head…the outcome was bad but I did nothing wrong……..bitch

Seabs: (slaps Brides ass) Call me!

Biscuit's Dream Sequence (written by Chiblackhawks):

Priest: I now pronounce you, Man and Wife, you may kiss the Bride

(Seabs comes charging up the aisle and lays a savage head hit on Wiz)

Seabs: That’s (SLAP) what (SLAP) you (SLAP) get (SLAP) for (SLAP) mackin’ (SLAP) on (SLAP) my (SLAP) defensive (SLAP) partner!

Wiz: WTF man?

Seabs: Don’t you lay a hand on my Dunky again!

Wiz: Seabs—

Drew Doughty: You got the wrong man, dude.

Seabs: (Looks confused) I did?

Drew: Not even the same team, man.

Seabs: Huh? But… isn’t this LA?

Keith: (comes in) Oh, there you are! C’mere, Seabsy, let’s go.

Wiz: …..

Keith: Sorry, he’s just never been the same…

Episode VII: 

An Emergency Defense Meeting

Mrs. Hendry: I hereby call this meeting to order.
Jorday Hendry:  Mooooommmmmmm...
Mrs. H:  Jordy, after the things I did with Stan to get you a spot on this roster, don't you be giving me no lip!
Everyone:  Ewwwwwwwwww.
Mrs. H:  So our first order of business; what the fuck is up with these pairings?
Keith (K):  Well, Mrs. Hendry...
Mrs. H:  You can just call me Mrs. H.
K:  OK, Mrs. H, as you may realize, we've suffered some major injuries to our D lines.
Seabs (S):  gagagagaga lalalalala he loves me.
K:  See what I mean.  OK, honestly, some of that was starting to show before the injury, but still.  He seems to think his brother is our love child and that he named him after me.
Mrs. H:  Yeah, I see your point.
Sopes:  I see no problems.  I've always felt that I was a top line pairing.
Buff:  Yeah, if ugly is the requirement to get on the top pairing.
Sopes:  Isn't it?  That's what my wife told me.  After she told me she blindfolds herself everytime we have sex.
Hammer:  I don't care what line I play on as long as Kim isn't around to pat my ass.
Boynton:  I've got a couple of meatballs for you Nik.
Hammer:  Thank you for making me feel welcome!
Soupy (teleconferenced in):  Really, is this what they pay me millions for?
Buff:  I gotta go take a shit.
Mrs. H:  Dustin!  I told you to use the bathroom before you left the house.
Buff:  Sorry Mrs. H.
Mrs. H:  We have business to attend to! 
Buff:  Yeah, well, I kinda like playing on D cause I can just stand there.
Mrs. H:  OK, fine, we're getting nowhere.  Let's discuss Wiz.
Seabs:  Wiz is my friend.  He told me he hugged me the other day, but I don't remember.
K:  Biscuit, honey, shut up.
Mrs. H:  Where the fuck is Johnsson?
Hammer:  He told me he has a lower body injury and that if I kiss it it will make it all better.  But Burrish told me that's the oldest line in the book.  And I don't want an "old" line on the ice.
Mrs. H:  I give up.  (She leaves to go meet Pierre McPenis, to get Jordan's name mentioned more, not knowing that her feminine wiles will do no good in this situation.)

Episode VIII:

 
Planning the Party for Wiz:

S:  I want you all to help me plan a bachelor party for my friend Wiz.
K:  Biscuit, he's not your friend anymore.
S:  He'll always be my friend, Dunky!  Everyone loves me!
K:  OK, whatever.  I'll be there to support you, and I'll bring my Norris Trophy with me.
Sopes:  Well, I can jump out of a cake and do a strip-tease for him.
S:  Oh, I like that!  I was planning on making finger sandwiches and I have a FABULOUS recipe for a taco dip I'd like to try.
Hammer:  I can bring meatballs.
Boynton:  Really, can I come to this shin-dig?  I didn't think you guys liked me very much.
[no one says anything for a good 2 minutes]
Buff:  I can get us a good deal on some killer weed.
Soupy:  Fuck you all, I'm just sending him a set of golf clubs.
K:  I've taken the liberty of inviting Bieksa who's bringing a douchebag as a gift - Mitchell will bring the nozzle and Phadouche said he isn't going to show as his vagina is itchy, Pronger is coming, but only said he has a "special gift" for the groom.  Jackman said he'll supply drinks, Kronwall and Lidstrom said they have some special octopus appetizers they can provide, and Matt Walker said he wants to come and bring his leprechaun friend with him.  Oh, Heatly said he'll drive the limo so we have our DD!
S:  This is going to be the best party ever!

Hendry:  I'll have to ask my Mom if I can go.

Soupy:  Who's calling mjthor to find out what beer to serve?  I haven't heard from him in a while. 

Episode IX:

Johnsson's Funeral

Stan Bowman:  I traded Barker for a dead man?  Fuck me, Daddy's gonna be pissed.

Episode X:

We Don't Need no Stinkin Goon

Keith:  Biscuit, baby, I really miss you.

Seabs:  Dunky, I hope you've learned your lesson.  It may cost you the Norris trophy.

K:  I shall never stray again.

meanwhile....

Boynton:  Who wants me to fight for them?

(Silence)

Boynton:  Kaner, I saw someone hurt you, let me go kick his ass!

20-Cent:  Dude, legal hit, I'm fine.

Boynton:  No really, I'd love to do it for you, let me go fight.

Boynton:  That mean nasty Cam Janssen is picking on everyone, I'll show them how much they need me on the team!

Team to Q:  Coach, what's up with that Boynton guy?  He's more psycho than Eager.  Can we send him back to Rockford, pleeeeeeeaaaaaase?

Q:  The media said we needed a goon, hopefully this will shut them up. 

Many thanks to all those I stole from, including but not limited to: Krome, BigCSouthside (happy now?),  Chiblackhawks, Shinkicker and CNS.  And to our Fearless Leaders for warping my mind so badly that I actually think of these things.