The Odd Couple, Episode 6: Kaner's Big Day

[Interior, Patrick Kane's boyhood home in Buffalo, New York. Seated around the kitchen table eating breakfast are Tazer, Patrick's mother Donna, Patrick's sister/Tazer's girlfriend Erica and Rinkesh AKA Rinky, Tazer and Kaner's man-servant. Erica is flipping through the sections of the Buffalo News. When she gets to the Sports section she stops and pulls it out.]

Erica: Patrick!

Mrs. Kane: What did he do, Erica?

Erica: Oh, mother!

[Erica shoves the paper into Tazer's hands and covers her face with her hands. He looks at the picture on the front page of the Sports section where it shows an obviously intoxicated, obviously delighted Kaner, grinning with his tongue hanging out, stuffing bills into the G-string of an exotic dancer on stage in front of him. The dancer is shown in profile leaning forward, with her ass in Kaner's face. The dancer is bracing herself by holding onto the rim of the Stanley Cup in front of her.]

Tazer: Perhaps you would rather not see this image, Mrs. Kane.

Mrs. Kane: Alright Jonathan, just read me the story then.

Tazer: Okay, Mrs. Kane. [Clears his throat] The headline is: "Patrick Kane Shows the Cup the Underside of Buffalo" by Christina Lee.

Mrs. Kane: Go on, Jonathan.

Tazer: "Patrick Kane of the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks was back home in Buffalo yesterday to spend the day with the Stanley Cup. The Buffalo native was was spotted at various locations throughout the metropolitan area on Tuesday, culminating with a boozy visit to the popular Sugar Shack Gentleman's Club early Wednesday morning.

Earlier in the day, Kane and a few childhood friends ate lunch at a Subway sandwich restaurant in Tonawanda which the owners have renamed "Patrick Kane's Subway" in a promotional arrangement. Mr. Patel, the owner of the Tonawanda Subway franchise said that "Mr. Kane is a frequent customer to my Subway restaurant and with this name change Mrs. Patel and I feel that we will be able to generate a significant increase in revenue." In exchange for lending his name to the sandwich shop, Mr. Kane will reportedly receive free sandwiches for the next five years, the length of the sponsorship agreement.

While at the restaurant, Mr. Kane and his friends were heard to be singing the familiar and catchy Subway jingle "Five Dollar Foot Longs". Mr. Kane and his friends made no effort to hide the fact that they drank what this reporter estimated to be a case of Bud Light Lime while eating their lunches. The Tonawanda Subway franchise has no licence to serve alcoholic beverages. Mr. Kane offered this reporter a beer on more than one occasion during the course of the day, all of which were politely declined.

The next stop on the tour was at Chuck's Gun and Pawn Emporium, across the parking lot from the Subway in the same Tonawanda strip mall. Here Mr. Kane attempted to negotiate a price with the proprietor of the business, Chuck Klein, for the Stanley Cup.

"I've had Super Bowl rings, World Series rings, Babe Ruth-signed baseballs, you name it. But I'll be damned if that kid didn't try to pawn the Stanley Cup in my store today." Klein said. When asked what price Mr. Kane was asking for the one-of-a-kind trophy, Mr. Klein indicated that Mr. Kane showed an interest in trading the Cup straight up for an assortment of firearms. "He was looking at the AK's, the Desert Eagle fifty cal, a rare Civil War rifle, some World War II-era hand grenades and a flame-thrower." Mr. Kane was overheard remarking to his companions "I'm gonna take this grenade and shove it up Crosby's [expletive] the next time I see him." This reporter assumes Mr. Kane was making reference to Sidney Crosby, the all-star forward of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Just prior to the consummation of this unprecedented sale, Mike Bolt, a representative of the Hockey Hall of Fame stepped in to stop the proceedings. Mr. Bolt is assigned to watch over the Stanley Cup as it travels around the world during the course of the summer while each member of the Cup-winning team has his day with it.

"I thought I saw everything before today" Mr. Bolt said. "I've seen the Cup at the bottom of countless swimming pools, I've seen it vomited upon in Anaheim, defecated upon in Detroit and ejaculated upon in Pittsburgh but before today I have never seen someone try to sell it. I have to say, Patrick almost got away with it too. He and his friends were giving me a tour of the Subway back there across the parking lot when they locked me in the walk-in freezer and ran over here with the Cup."

After Mr. Bolt ended the pending transaction, Mr. Kane drew a verbal comparison between Mr. Bolt and a commonly used feminine hygiene product.

Travelling in a stretched yellow Hummer limousine (driven by Mr. Kane's twelve year-old Indian man-servant) from the Tonawanda strip mall, the Kane entourage made its' way to Buffalo City Hall. Unfortunately the planned event with Mayor Brown had to be canceled due to a last minute budget meeting. Instead, Mr. Kane and his party were met by City Treasurer Betty Corsi-Ferarro, an avowed Buffalo Sabres fan. In lieu of presenting Mr. Kane with a key to the city as originally planned, Ms. Corsi-Ferarro gave everyone in the party stainless steel souvenir key chains embossed with the seal of the city of Buffalo.


Following the presentation of the key chains, Mr. Kane demanded to be quoted. "That [Gosh]-damned rug-munching bull-[derogatory synonym for a lesbian]. She thinks just because she's a [expletive]-ing Sabres fan that she can pull this bull-[excrement] on me? The Sabres are never going to win the [expletive]-ing Cup! Never! I grew up a [expletive]-ing Sabres fan so I should [expletive]-ing know! [Expletive] her! I hope she catches herpes in the mouth and dies."

From City Hall the group proceeded to the aforementioned Sugar Shack where the group of young men were greeted by chants of "Twenty Cent!" (an allusion to Mr. Kane's run-in with the law in Buffalo last summer) by the patrons. The celebration continued long into the night, high-lighted by lap-dances too numerous to mention, an endless stream of Cristal Champagne and marathon karaoke sessions in a private room. Mr. Kane and his under-aged man-servant performed a passable version of Billy Squier's ' 1981 classic "The Stroke".

Suffice it to say, this reporter came away from Mr. Kane's day with the Cup humbled at his ability to party, shocked at his audacity, appalled at his debauchery, insulted by his bigotry towards minorities, disgusted by his chauvinistic treatment of women, horrified by his vulgarity and surprisingly charmed by his habit of bestowing of nicknames (I was labeled "Chinese Beaver", "Asian Tang" and "Poon-Pow Kitty")."

Rinky: That is a fair assessment of yesterday's activities.

Tazer: Rinkesh, were you not able to put the brakes on any of this?

Rinky: As you know very well, Mr. Toews, I am but a minor house-hold servant. I cannot tell Mr. Kane what to do.

Tazer: Of course you are correct, Rinky.

[At that moment Kaner comes down stairs wearing sunglasses, in his bathrobe, clearly hung-over.]

Tazer: Good morning, Patrick.

Kaner: I feel like horse shit.

Mrs. Kane: Language, Patrick.

Kaner: Sorry, mom.

Erica: We just read the paper and saw everything you did yesterday! Patrick, how could you?!?

Kaner: What'd I do?

[Erica throws the sports section at him. Kaner looks at the front page picture over the top of his sunglasses.]

Kaner: Cinnamon. What an ass. [Contemplating the previous night] I didn't think that Chinese cooze would report all that after I banged her.

[Tazer looks down and shakes his head]

Kaner: Don't shake your head at me, limp-dick! I got up on her in the Limo after the Shack. She was all over me. Tell 'em Rinky.

Rinky: Oh, yes. I remember her shouting "Break me off a piece of that sugar cane, daddy."

Kaner: Hey Rinky, did you know that Chinese snatch tastes like sweet and sour pork? Who knew?

Mrs. Kane: Is that how you really wanted to spend your day with the Cup, Patrick?

Kaner: Hey, mom, I got free subs for the next five years, okay? What do you got? Don't judge me!

Mrs. Kane: I just thought maybe you wanted to do something more...productive with your day. Like Jonathan did.

Kaner: Why, what did Captain Butt-Plug do with it?

Mrs. Kane: Why, Mrs. Toews just called me yesterday and told me everything. I was quite impressed.

Tazer: You don't need to do this Mrs. Kane.

Mrs. Kane: [Considering] No, I think Patrick needs to grow up and hear what how an adult is supposed to act. So listen up Patrick. Jonathan took the Cup on a parade through Winnipeg where several thousand people cheered him, met the Mayor of the city and the Premier of the province, received a key to the city, had a lake named after him, had a community center named after him and raised one hundred thousand dollars for disadvantaged children. Jonathan, I also heard a rumor that you can also cure blindness and leprosy by the laying-on of hands, that everything you touch turns to gold and you have the power of telekinesis. Are those things true?

Tazer: No, Mrs. Kane. I can only relieve minor aches and pains. Arthritis, the flu, that kind of thing. It is true that a couple of my hockey sticks have turned into solid gold over the last couple of years but I am not quite sure how that happened. Rinky is looking into it. I don't have telekinesis, per se, but I have noticed if I concentrate really hard, especially when I am battling along the boards for the puck, that I can make it jump over a guy's stick. You can tell by the funny faces I make, that's when the puck is really jumping.

Erica: Wow.

Kaner: I thought you made those faces because you accidentally turned on your anal-stimulation device. I can't believe I have to listen to this shit in my own house! I'll never be good enough!

Tazer: Patrick, I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel right now. Let me make it up to you. Let me take you out to the dog track today.

Kaner: [Looks up sharply] You're just teasing me.

Tazer: No, I am not. Let me do this for you. We'll go out to the dog races and bet heavily on long-shots all day, eat nachos, drink copious amounts of cheap domestic beer and hit on welfare-check moms.

Erica: Jonathan!

[Tazer Gives Erica a discreet closed-eye shake of the head, the universal symbol for don't worry, I will not be hitting on poor, single mothers at the dog track but your brother most definitely will.]

Kaner: I don't believe you. You never want to do anything fun.

Tazer: I'll take you to Tonawanda for free subs.
Kaner: [Lighting up like the sun] Shit yes! We're gonna bet the hounds! FIVE! FIVE DOLLAR! FIVE DOLLAR FOOT LONGS!

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