The Odd Couple, Ep. 7: The ESPY's, Featuring Tazer, Kaner, Crosby & Ovie

For Episodes 1-6 Go here:

Note: Text-only version here b/c it's a pain in the ass to insert pictures w/ this software and there are a lot of them in this post.  If you want to see the full monty, including the hot ESPY's red carpet trash, go to the blog.

[Interior, Limousine. Tazer, Kaner and Rinky are in route to the 2010 ESPY Awards. They are moments away from arrival.]

Kaner: [Finishes furiously scribbling on a napkin then hands it to Rinky] Okay Gandhi, that's the list. Read it back to me.

Rinky: Is this written in English?

Kaner: [Agitated] Fuck you, swizzle dick, read it back.

Rinky: Fine. January Jones-

Tazer: I told you she has a boyfriend.

Kaner: [More agitated] Fuck you too, Mr. Belvedere. Keep reading.

Rinky: Jenny Finch-

Tazer: Married.


Rinky: Danica Patrick-

Tazer: Married.

Kaner: [Vein in his forehead is throbbing with rage, face is red] If you don't shut the fuck up right now, I am going to stab you in the neck with my cock.

Tazer: Fine.

Kaner: [To Rinky] Read.

Rinky: Erin Andrews, Jenn Brown.

[Kaner glares at Tazer, daring him to say anything.]

Rinky: Lindsay Vonn.

Tazer: [In a soft sing-song voice] Maaaarrr-ieeeeeeed.

Kaner: MOTHER FUCKER! [Starts taking his belt off and pulling his pants down] I'm gonna cock-stab you in the neck, asshole!

Rinky: Marissa Miller, Brooklyn Decker, Hannah Storm. Wait a minute. Hannah Storm?

Tazer: [Warding off an enraged Kane] Married, married, married.


Kaner: [Primal scream, attacking Tazer] AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tazer: Get off of me you impudent cur.

[Tazer and a pants-less Kaner wrestle briefly until Tazer gets him in a full-nelson]

Tazer: Will you please calm down, Patrick? There will be plenty of single women at the event.

Kaner: [Struggling to escape, red in the face, panting heavily] Like who?

Tazer: Well, you already mentioned Ms. Andrews-

Kaner: [Cutting off Tazer, breathlessly] I beat off to those peep-hole videos of her every night.

Tazer: I am sure you do. How about Julia Mancuso, the skier. I understand she is eligible.

Kaner: Yeah. I'd give her a whitewash to remember.

Tazer: You are all class, Patrick. Moving on then, I believe Michelle Beadle will also be present and she is single although I do not know how she would feel about dating a mulleted, barely-of-age, underweight hockey player.

Kaner: [Sullenly] I put on ten pounds last year. [Brightening] I'd dress Beadle up like a libary lady and spank her ass with a dictionary.

Tazer: You mean a library? And a librarian? How do you know what a librarian is, Patrick? Or a dictionary for that matter?

Rinky: Excuse me Master Toews but while I was researching a new carbon-aluminum alloy that I am working on for a new type of skate, I was forced to bring Master Kane with me to the library. You know I can't leave him at home alone.

Tazer: [Chuckling to himself with Kaner still in the full-nelson] Heavens, no. The last time I did that he ended up singing show tunes to me, drunk.

Kaner: [Soflty] Poor Satine.

Rinky: I had to leave him in the children's section. I can only assume that is where he learned what a librarian and dictionary are.

Kaner: They keep the words in the dictionary.

Tazer: That is right Patrick, the do keep the words in the dictionary. Have you calmed down now?

Kaner: Yes.

Tazer: Okay, good. [Lets him out of the hold] Clean yourself up, we are almost there.

[While Kaner is pulling his pants back on and tucking in his shirt he looks over at Tazer]

Tazer: What is it, Patrick?

Kaner: [Buckling his belt] After the libary lady read me "The Cat in the Hat", I fucked her in her office.

Rinky: [To Kaner, shocked] Sir! [Then addressing Tazer] She was no less than sixty years old!

Kaner: [Leering at Tazer] Old lady snatch smells like my hockey bag.

Tazer: Dear Lord, help us tonight. It looks as though we have arrived, gentlemen.

Kaner: [To Rinky] Remember the plan, boy. Work that list.

Rinky: Yes, sir.

[The limo pulls up to the red carpet and they all get out.]

[Tazer and Kaner start walking down the red carpet while Rinky runs ahead of them. Tazer and Kaner see a familiar figure approaching them.]

Tazer: Sidney

Crosby: Jonathan

Kaner: How's it hangin', knob-gobbler?

Crosby: [Rolling his eyes] Hello, Patrick.

Kaner: Still banging sheep, Cros?

Crosby: I told you before, I have not had sexual relations with animals.

Kaner: That's not what I heard! I guess those pictures I saw online of a dog licking peanut butter off your balls was a Photoshop or something.

Tazer: Forgive him, Sidney. He has the emotional maturity of an eleven year-old.

Crosby: [Politely] I understand. [Then more pointedly] Tell me, Jonathan, how has your summer been? [Stares at him hard]

Tazer: Oh it has been incredibly busy. As you know, I was voted the best forward at the Olympics-

Crosby: [Interrupting, addressing Kaner] I scored the game-winner in overtime to win the gold medal.

Kaner: Yeah, I was there, cum-chugger.

Tazer: That is true, Sidney, but I was the leading point-getter at the tournament and I was plus nine to your rather pathetic plus two.

Kaner: [Excitedly] Why don't you homos cut to the chase and whip out your cocks to see whose is longer? Loser blows the other guy.

Crosby and Tazer: [Simultaneously while looking at Kaner] Shut up, silver medal.

Tazer: [Continuing] Anyway, since the Olympics it has just been a roller-coaster ride. I won the Conn Smythe and oh, by the way, I do not think I saw your name on the Conn Smythe trophy, Sidney. It was Malkin last year, was it not?

Crosby: [Through gritted teeth] Yes.

Tazer: [Continuing] Then there was the Cup, the parade in Chicago, the parade in Winnipeg, then they gave me the key to the city, they named a lake after me up in Manitoba somewhere then they-

Beautiful Blonde: [Comes running up to the group shrieking] JONATHAN!!!

Tazer: [Catches the blonde as she stumbles into the group] Oh, hello Erin. So good to see you again.

Erin Andrews: [Breathlessly hanging onto/groping Tazer] How have you been?

Tazer: Oh, well, I was just telling Sidney here how busy this summer has been. Have you met before? Sidney, Erin. Erin, Sidney.

Crosby: [Blushing] It's a pleasure, Miss Andrews. I admire your work.

Kaner: Erin, Sidney is gay so you can quit sizing him up.

Crosby: [Under his breath to himself] I'm not gay! Daddy, I mean Mario, says I am just confused.

Tazer: Erin, this is my teammate, Patrick Kane. Patrick this is Erin Andrews, she works for ESPN.

Kaner: I know who she is fuck-stick. Hey Erin, your body is even more bangin' in person than on Dancing With the Stars.

Erin Andrews: Eww, gross.

Tazer: Sidney, would you mind escorting Miss Andrews inside.

Crosby: Yeah, no problem.

Erin Andrews: Oh, can't you join us, Jonathan?

Tazer: I am sorry, Erin, I have some media obligations before we get to our seats.

Erin Andrews: [Over her shoulder as Crosby is leading her away] Oh, okay! Bye Jonathan! Call me!

[Crosby and Andrews walk away into the crowd]

Kaner: Damn it!

Tazer: Perhaps a touch of subtlety might help in your wooing.

Kaner: Eat a dick, JT.

[Rinky comes running down the carpet to meet them]

Kaner: Well?

Rinky: Ms. Jones did not know who you are. Ms. Finch, Ms. Patrick, Ms. Vonn, Ms. Miller, Ms. Decker and Ms. Storm all politely declined your offer to have threesomes with them and their husbands.

Kaner: Fuck!

Rinky: Ms. Brown laughed and said she had seen the photos of you in Vancouver with your shirt off. She said to tell you "Good luck" though.

Kaner: Cunt.

Rinky: Ms. Beadle is working the event for television and I was not able to approach her. I did not see Ms. Mancuso.

Kaner: Okay, good. Here what we're gonna do Rinkles, Operation: Whitewash. I need you to find Mancuso and tell her that one of her fellow Olympians from Team USA wants to meet her but he is too shy to introduce himelf. Don't say my name. Just ask her if we can meet inside in a few minutes.

Rinky: Will do, sir.

Kaner: [To Tazer] Let's go.

[Tazer and Kaner start walking the rest of the way up the red carpet when they are stopped again by another beautiful woman shrieking.]

Emmanuelle Chriqui: JONATHAN!!!

Tazer: [Catches her as she stumbles into him.] Wow! Hello, Emmanuelle. Are you okay?

Emannuelle: [Breathlessly holding onto/groping Tazer] Oh, yes, I am fine, I just tripped on a bump in the carpet.

Kaner: [Eyeing her up and down salaciously] Dammmmmmn girl, you are fine!

Tazer: Emmanuelle, this is Patrick Kane, my teammate.

Emmanuelle: Nice to meet you, Patrick.

Kaner: You play that slut Sloane on Entourage, don't you?

Emmanuelle: Umm, yeah. But that's just my character.

Kaner: I were in FHM too. I jacked off to you in that. Thanks.

Emmanuelle: Gross!

[Another familiar figure approaches]

Ovie: Da! It is myself!

Kaner: [Muttering to himself] Oh, for fuck's sake.

[First Tazer and Ovie, then Kaner and Ovie execute bro-hugs]

Tazer: How have you been, Alexander?

Ovie: I am goodness! I take many whores in Los Angeles!

Tazer: That is great, Alexander.

Ovie: I am seeing Crosby the great homo-sexual goat-lover minutes ago in corner of bathroom putting...what is word...[Makes a squeaking sound and puts his hands in front of himself like small paws]...

Tazer: A gerbil?

Ovie: Da! Putting gerbil in back of pants.

Kaner: I knew it! That sicko does fuck animals!

Ovie: Da! Crosby has been knowing of horses during this summer!

Kaner: [In awe] He fucks horses too?

Ovie: Nyet.

Kaner: [Pauses, then in a whisper] The horses fuck him?

Ovie: Pravda!

Tazer: Alexander, this is Emmanuelle. Emmanuelle, Alexander Ovechkin of the Washington Captials.

Ovie: Da! I am knowing of this one.

Emmanuelle: It's nice to meet you, Alex.

Ovie: We will be eating of the caviar and drinking of the champagne this night!

Emmanuelle: That sounds like fun.

Ovie: Da! It is goodness. I show you time of celebration on this night!

[Ovie offers his arm, Emmanuelle looks at Jonathan expectantly]

Tazer: [Adressing Emmanuelle] I will not be able to join you this evening, I am afraid. Another time, perhaps.

[Emmanuelle accepts Ovie's arm. As they walk into the crowd, Emmanuelle looks over her shoulder and mouths "Call me" to him.]

Kaner: Motherfucker!

Tazer: As I mentioned earlier, Patrick, perhaps you might display more tact in these types of conversations.

Kaner: Why don't you go help Crosby with his gerbil? I bet he could use an expert's advice.

Tazer: Your ego is bruised, my friend. Let us go inside and have a cocktail.

Kaner: Fine.

[Interior, Kodak Theatre lobby. Rinky is waiting for Tazer and Kaner at the bar with Julia as they enter and approach.]

Tazer: [Addressing Kaner in a whisper as they walk up] Remember, Patrick, be polite and tactful.

Rinky: Ms. Mancuso, may I introduce Mr. Patrick Kane of Team USA Hockey and the Chicago Blackhawks and Jonathan Toews of Team Canada Hockey and also of the Chicago Blackhawks?

Julia: It's nice to met you guys. How are you?

Kaner: Um, we are good. Your dress is lovely.

Julia: Thank you, Patrick. You look quite handsome as well.

Kaner: Um, thank you. I just wanted to say hello and introduce myself.

[Awkward pause]

Tazer: Julia, did you know that both you and Patrick won silver medals at the Olympics?

Julia: Really? That's cool. I hadn't realized that. Where do you keep your medal, Patrick? I am always so worried about keeping it in my house.

Kaner: Oh, um, I keep it in my bedroom. Sometimes when Tazer and me get drunk we put 'em on and sing karaoke.

Julia: Oh yeah? You guys into Karaoke?

Kaner: Hell yeah!

Julia: What do you guys sing?

Kaner: Oh, everything. Buffett, Scorpions, Billy Squier.

Tazer: I prefer soft rock. The Carpenters, The Captain and Tenille, Hall and Oates. That kind of thing.

Julia: That's pretty diverse.

Kaner: [Awkwardly] Yeah well, you know, we're diverse.

[Lights in the lobby dim, indicating the audience is to take their seats for the show]

Julia: It looks like it is time to get going, guys. It was really nice to meet both of you.

Kaner: You gave me a boner while we were talking. Can you blow me in the bathroom?

Julia: Dude, that's sick. [Walks into the theater]

Kaner: [Shrugs his shoulders, talks to himself] I'm gonna get wasted.

Tazer: It was inevitable, I suppose.

Kaner: She didn't wanna blow me.

Tazer: Why would she? I'll see you after the show.

Kaner: Fine. [Addressing the hot female bartender] I'll take that bottle of jack, sweetheart.

[She gives him the bottle]

Kaner: And I'll give you a hundred bucks for a BJ right now.


Rinky: Sir, may I suggest that you are on tilt with the ladies right now?

Kaner: Fuckin' right as usual, Rinks. Only one thing to do in that case. Take me to the place where they keep the old poon.

Rinky: The library, sir?

Kaner: Yeah, the fuckin' libary.


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