To help you through the summer...

The Odd Couple, Episode 5: The Bonus Check

(Episodes 1-4 can be read HERE)

[Interior, Tazer and Kaner's Chicago apartment. Kaner is lying on a massage table which has been set up in the middle of the living room. There is an adolescent boy, perhaps 11 or 12 years old who looks to be of East Indian descent giving Kaner a rubdown. The boy is wearing a traditional white kurta. Jimmy Buffet is blasting on the sound system.]

Kaner and Indian boy: [Singing together while making the shape of a fin using one hand on the top of their heads] You got fins to your left! Fins to your right! And you're the only girl in town!

[Tazer enters the apartment. Puts his keys on the entry table and surveys the scene. Kaner and the Indian boy do not hear Tazer's entrance and continue the massage/singing.]

Kaner and Indian boy: [Singing together] She's savin' up all her money/Wants to head it south in May/Maybe roll in the sand with a rock and roll man/Somewhere down Montserrat way!

[Kaner and the Indian boy high-five]

[Tazer walks over to the iPod docking station and hits pause]

[Kaner pops up off the table and sees Tazer]

Kaner: What the fuck, dude!?! We're in the middle of "Fins" asshole!

Tazer: So I see. Tell me Patrick, is it just me or are you are receiving a massage from what appears to be a young boy?

Kaner: Get bent. [Addresses the Indian boy] You know where this asshole was for the last two weeks? Humping my sister at his parents' house in Winnipeg.

Tazer: Who is the child, Patrick?

Kaner: What child? You mean fuckin' Rinky?

Tazer: [Addressing the Indian boy] Is that your name, boy? Rinky?

Rinky: [In impeccable Oxford-accented English] In fact it's Rinkesh, Master Toews.

Tazer: Excuse me, Rinkesh. And Patrick has retained your services for...the afternoon?

Rinky: One might say that sir, yes.

[Kaner is standing at the refrigerator with a towel around his waist with a freshly opened beer in his hand]

Kaner: [Gestures toward Rinky with the beer bottle] I fuckin' bought him at a swap meet in Buffalo last week.

Tazer: [Aghast] I beg your pardon?

Kaner: I fuckin' bought him, dude!

Tazer: At a swap meet in Buffalo.

Kaner: Fuckin' A, dude!

[Tazer tries to process this while looking first at one, then the other, repeatedly]

Tazer: Patrick, slavery is illegal. You may not traffic in human souls! Nature cries out against this most vile construct of human society. It is an anachronism of our barbarous past!

Kaner: [Rolling his eyes] Fuck that shit, dude. I traded my Playboy pinball machine, two cases of Schlitz and a hundred thou, straight cash for him. Best thing I ever bought.

[Kaner walks back to the living room where he and Rinky complete a high-five down to a low-five while passing each other]

Tazer: He must be returned to his family at once!

Kaner: I bought him from some British fuck-face. Yo, Rinky, where is your family anyway?

Rinky: Indeed it was a fair price. If I may say so, Master Kane barters like a Mongolian horse-trader. As for my family sir, I must assume they are in India although I have never known them. I was raised in London and more recently, Buffalo.

[Tazer has a slightly panicked, wild look in his eyes]

Kaner: Chill the fuck out, dude. He's my man-servant. I bought the kid fair and square and that's that.

Rinky: I am not worthy of the goodness Master Kane shows me.

Kaner: [Shrugs his shoulders] I keep him fed and let him sleep on the pantry floor.

Tazer: He is not your master! You do not have a master! You are a free man. Your liberty is not for sale!

Kaner: Wrong again asshole. Rinky, you know I don't read good. Go get that shit and read it to Tazer. It's in the dining room on the table.

[Rinky runs out of the room]

Tazer: Oh, Patrick, what have you done?

Kaner: Bought a kid, shit-for-brains.

[Rinky returns from the dining room with some paperwork]

Rinky: [Looks at Kaner, Kaner nods] Receipt of sale. One boy, Indian extraction, about 12 years old, all teeth and hair present, disease-free, speaks Punjabi, English, French, Japanese, Chinese, Arabic, Urdu, Hebrew, Spanish, Russian, Swedish and Latin with equal fluency. Expert in all house-hold industries including but not limited to: Cooking, cleaning, butchery, mixology, brewing, wine-making, floral arranging, swordsmanship, sewing, knitting, orienteering, animal husbandry, massage therapy, acupuncture, swimming, diving, fishing, tea service, gardening, ballroom dancing, singing, poetry, origami, painting, sculpture, alchemy, the equine arts, falconry, jujitsu, boxing, calligraphy, Morse code, marksmanship, archery, knot-tying, skiing, sailing, astronomy, philosophy and ice-hockey.

Kaner: What-what! That little fucker can dangle like Gretzky!

Tazer: [Face hardening, eyes narrowing] I see this is a special child. Patrick, am I to assume that you spent part of your bonus check on the purchase, if I may use such a vulgar word, of this young man?

Kaner: Kaner got paid, son! Little brown-eye better be special for a hundred grand.

Tazer: I thought we agreed before you left to visit your family in Buffalo that you were going to invest your bonus check in low-yield Treasury-bills, payable in thirty years.

Kaner: Yeah , I heard that bullshit. You know what I did instead, jag-off? I got me a man-servant, I got me a Bentley, I got me a fuckin' falcon, I got me a god-damned sailboat.

Tazer: A falcon? Do tell, where is this bird of prey now residing?

Kaner: In your room, dip-shit. But me and Rinky are taking her out in a couple hours, ain't we?

Rinky: [Adressing Tazer] Oh, it is a fine day for falconry, sir.

Kaner: We got her all trained up, T. We'll take her down to Lincoln Park and let her buzz the joggers. It scares the shit out of 'em. I named her "Hawk".

[Tazer looks at Rinky with raised eyebrows and mouths the question "Hawk?" Rinky just nods.]

Rinky: [Has moved over to the wet-bar, addressing Tazer] Sir, would you care for a drink?

Kaner: Make him one of those mojitos, Rinky.

Tazer: No, thank you Patrick. I must call the Department of Child Protective Services immediately.

[Tazer gets out his cell phone and starts pressing buttons]

[Rinky steps out from behind the bar and hands Tazer the mojito. Tazer is concentrating on his phone and isn't paying attention when he accepts the drink. While still trying to search for the number on his phone, Tazer absent-mindedly takes a sip of the drink. Rinky winks at Kaner]

Tazer: [Looks at the drink in his hand] This is superb! [Takes another sip]

[Kaner and Rinky complete a complex five-step handshake that ends with tossing a snap over the right shoulder]

[Tazer pounds the rest of the mojito]

Kaner: I told you, numb-nuts. Best money I ever spent. Even better than those two hookers I picked up in Moscow at the World Juniors, and damn, those were pros.

Kaner: [Leaning over to whisper in Rinky's ear] Russian poon is tops, Rinky. Don't let anyone tell you different.

Rinky: [Whispering back at Kaner] I am familiar with the delicate charms of the ladies of Moscow, sir.

Kaner: [Loudly] Fuckin' Rinky, layin' pipe in the Kremlin!

Rinky: [Addressing Tazer] Would you care for another refreshment, sir?

Tazer: I really shouldn't.

Kaner: Do it, Rinky.

Rinky: At once, sir.

[Rinky mixes another mojito and hands it to Tazer who has now put his phone down]

Tazer: [Savoring the drink] Tell me, Rinky, I mean Rinkesh, where did you learn to make such an excellent cocktail?

Rinky: That would be at the London College of Mixology, sir.

Tazer: Well, you make a hell of a mojito kid.

Rinky: Thank you, sir.

[Tazer's starting to get loose now]

Rinky: [Addressing Tazer] May I take your jacket, sir?

[Rinky steps around Tazer to assist in the removal of his jacket. Tazer sits down on the couch to regard the young man. After hanging up the jacket, Rinky steps behind Tazer to start rubbing his shoulders and temples]

Tazer: That's delightful. Like the touch of an angel.

Kaner: Fuckin' nice, ain't it, JT? B-K is the dope shit.

Tazer: B-K?

Kaner: The British Knight AKA The Brown Kid AKA The Bombay Kaleidoscope AKA The Baby Kraken AKA The Baron of Kane County.

Rinky: Master Kane has a fondness for nicknames. Perhaps the gentlemen would care for a cigar?

Kaner: Fuckin' right we would. Light 'em up Rinkles and grab one for yourself too.

Rinky: Immediately, sir. You are too kind, sir.

[Fast Forward an hour. Everyone is buzzed, smoking stogies, chilling out.]

Rinky: Master Toews, may I make an observation?

Tazer: Go for it, Shrinky-Dink.

Kaner: Good one, bro.

Rinky: I believe Master Kane would be better served, financially speaking, to take a higher-risk stance in his portfolio. At his age and with his earning power perhaps a wide-spectrum approach to the emerging markets in China might better suit his risk tolerance?

Tazer: I see your point Rin-Tin-Tin but Kaner's risk-tolerance extends to investing in bottled Martian water.

Kaner: [Muttering to himself] Fuckin' Mars. Fuckin' drier than Granny Kane's twat.

Tazer: However, perhaps my suggestion of T-bills was a tad conservative for number eighty-eight over there.

[Tazer and Rinky look over at Kaner who has his hand down his shorts, vigorously scratching his junk.]

Tazer: Patrick.

Kaner: [Looks up from scratching himself] What?

Tazer: I'll buy a half-share in the kid. Fifty grand.

Kaner: [Shrugs] It's up to Gandhi over there. [Looks at Rinky]

Rinky: [With a glorious smile on his face] I live but to serve you fine gentlemen.

[Fast forward an hour. Everyone is shit-faced, including Rinky. They are playing Guitar Hero with Rinky on drums, Tazer on the axe, Kaner with lead vocals.]

Kaner: Hello, Chicagooooooooo! I wanna send this one out to all the Red Wings fans out there. Lick my baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalls, Detroit! WE ARE FALCON HAWK!

[Kaner whistles loudly]

[Just then, Kaner's Falcon, "Hawk", flies out of Tazer's bedroom like a missile and perches atop the television, a majestic predator with her wings fully extended, she lets out a blood-curdling scream]


Kaner: It's early morning/The sun comes out/Last night was shaking/And pretty loud/My cat is purring/And scratches my skin/So what is wrong/With another sin?/The bitch is hungry/She needs to tell/So give her inches/And feed her well/More days to come/New places to go/I've got to leave/It's time for a show...

Kaner, Tazer, Rinky: [All together]






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