The Odd Couple, Episode 10: Oprah

You can read Episodes 1-9 HERE.  You can follow me on Twitter HERE.

[Interior, HARPO studios in Chicago, IL. Tazer and Kaner are relaxing in the Green Room prior to going on the set to record an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show. Kaner is wearing his sunglasses, as usual, to assist him in recovering from a hangover. Both players are wearing their red, home jerseys and jeans.]

Production Assistant [Pokes her head into the Green Room]: You have about 15 minutes before we'll need you on the set, can I get you anything before then?

Kaner: Bloody Mary.

PA: Right away, Mr. Kane. Mr. Toews, can I get you anything?

Tazer: No, thank you, ma'am.

[The PA closes the door]

Kaner: Not a fucking word out of you.

Tazer: Did I say anything?

Kaner: I can feel you looking at me, judging me.

Tazer: As long as you get all your partying done by the time training camp starts, I don't care how much you abuse yourself.

Kaner: Fine.

Tazer: Yes, fine.

[The PA returns with Kaner's Bloody Mary]

Kaner [To the PA]: Thanks, sweetheart.

[Kaner drains the glass in two seconds.]

[There is a knock on the door a few moment later. Oprah Winfrey enters the green room. Tazer and Kaner hop up from their seats to greet her.]

Oprah: Hello, boys. I just wanted to come by and introduce myself before the show. Is there anything we can get for you before we get going today?

Tazer: No ma'am.

Kaner: I just wanted to tell you that when I was a kid I used to watch your show all the time and that I am a huge fan.

Oprah: Is that right? That's sweet of you to say.

Kaner: I grew up in a house with three sisters plus my mom so your show was on all the time. I think I got my first boner watching you.

Oprah [Flustered]: Oh, umm. I don't think I've heard that one before. I'm not sure what to say. I'll, uh, see you guys out there.

[Oprah leaves the room in a hurry.]

Tazer: As smooth as silk. As subtle as a whisper. As usual.

Kaner: Go fuck yourself, ass-bandit.

[They sit in silence until the PA returns to bring them into the wings of the set. As they are standing in the wings, they can hear the opening music to the show and Oprah being introduced and entering the set to sound of insane cheering. The Stanley Cup is sitting on the floor next to Tazer. Finally, the cheering dies down and Oprah starts her monologue. The audience does not know what the subject of the show is.]

Oprah: I have to tell y'all something. [Pause] I have been looking forward to doing this show for months!

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: Oh, this is going to be a special show, people!

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: I know you have seen me get excited before when we've had guests on like Denzel Washington...

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: Tom Cruise...

[Insane Cheering]

Oprah: John Travolta...

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: But I'm gonna take it local for y'all today. I wanna tell y'all something that I don't think I have ever told anyone before except for Stedman and Gail. And, Gail, hoo boy, she just don't get it! I know you are all sittin' there in your seats wondering to yourselves "What is that lady talkin' about, since I already know everything there is to know about Oprah! I read it in the check-out line at the grocery store!"

[Huge roars of laughter]

Oprah: I am serious now, people. Are you ready for my secret?

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: I love the Chicago Blackhawks! And here are my guests: Patrick Kane and JONATHAN Tay-AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Insane cheering]

[Tazer walks onto the set carrying the Cup over his head. Chelsea Dagger is playing in the studio and the crowd is clapping along, happily. Tazer puts the Cup on a table in the middle of the set. The table is positioned between one chair on stage left, which Oprah sits down on and two chairs across from her on stage right which Tazer and Kaner sit down on. ]

Oprah: Now that is some serious bling!

[Huge roars of laughter]

Oprah: So, I know that it's a tradition that each player gets to have a day with the Stanley Cup during the summer. Patrick, I understand you had your day with it a couple days ago?

Patrick [Still in his sunglasses]: Yeah, that's right. I took it back to my hometown of Buffalo, New York.

Oprah: And what did you do with it?

Patrick: Oh, you know, we took it to a few local bars, I visited a hospital and a fire station. I did a few other things too.

Oprah: Something interesting happened at that fire station, if I understand correctly. Can you tell us about that?

Patrick: Yeah, I wanted to take the Cup up on one of those buckets they have on their ladder trucks, you know what I'm talking about? Well I they put me in the bucket and I get up there and the ladder breaks so I am stuck in the bucket for like twenty minutes or something. I was pretty scared.

[Huge roars of laughter]

Oprah: And I heard you took it on another little adventure last night as well...

Patrick: Yeah, I was able to take it out to the Jimmy Buffett concert and get up there on stage and sing a song with Jimmy and the Cup right there on stage.

[Huge roars of laughter]

Oprah: It certainly looks like you were having a good time up there. Alright, when we come back, we'll talk with Jonathan about his day with the Stanley Cup!

[Insane cheering]

[While the show is in commercial break some producers come on the set to talk with Oprah briefly. After they leave Kaner leans over towards Oprah.]

Kaner: Hey, Oprah.

[Oprah looks up from some paperwork]

Oprah [Smiling]: Yes, Patrick?

Kaner: You can call me Kaner.

Oprah: Okay, I'll remember that.

Kaner: Are you a lesbo? Cuz I heard you and Gail eat each other out, is that true?

Oprah: Oh, Patrick, you don't believe all that stuff in the tabloids do you?

Kaner: I don't know, I just hoped it wasn't true cuz I always had a mad crush on you. I wanted to see if, you know, you might wanna come over to my place tonight and hang out.

Oprah: Oh, that's very sweet of you to ask but I have a boyfriend, Patrick.

Kaner: He's gay. Check it out, O-Dub, come over tonight and let me taste some of that dark chocolate you got goin' on inside them pants.

Oprah [To Tazer]: Is he serious?

Tazer: Oh, quite.

Oprah [Unsure, confused]: I'm not sure whether to be insulted or flattered.

[The music in the studio cranks up, indicating that the show is coming back from the commercial break.]

Kaner: I wanna see your ass jiggle like a tub of molasses.

Oprah: And we're back with Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews of the Stanley Cup Champion, Chicago Black HAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: Jonathan, let's take a look at what you did on your day with the Stanley Cup a few weeks ago.

[The lights in the studio are dimmed as they roll a clip of the high-lights of Tazer's day with the Cup]

Kaner [While the clip is rolling, whispered]: Hey, O-Dog!

[Oprah gives Kaner a raised eyebrow look that means "Can't you see I'm busy - Not right now!"]

Kaner [Whispered]: You ever tried Buffalo meat?

[Oprah gives him a shrugged shoulders/quizzical look meaning "What the hell are you talking about?"]

Kaner: I got a Buffalo steak in my pants for you.

Oprah [Disgusted whisper]: You are gross!

[Kaner winks at her]

[Lights in the studio come back up as the clip finishes]

Oprah: So it looks like you had quite a day with the Cup, Jonathan.

Tazer: Oh, yeah. It was pretty crazy up there. It was just really nice to be able to give back to my hometown of Winnipeg after all the support I have received from them throughout my life.

Oprah: That's great, Jonathan. When we come back, we're going to get into all the questions you are dying to know about, starting with: Do these two young men have girlfriends?

[Insane cheering]

[Again the producers come up to Oprah during the break and go through more paperwork with her. After they leave, Kaner leans in.]

Kaner: Hey, O-bie Wan.

Oprah [Exasperated]: What is it, Patrick?

Kaner: You herb friendly?

Oprah: What are you talking about?

Kaner: You know, ever burn tree? 4:20?

Oprah: [To Tazer]: What is he talking about?

Tazer: Patrick is inquiring as to whether or not you ever partake in what he calls the Hippy Lettuce but what you may be more familiar with as cannabis or marijuana.

Oprah: Oh, I see. No, I have not smoked pot in over thirty years.

Kaner [To Tazer]: Told you she's down.

Kaner [To Oprah]: Check it: Tonight you come over to my place and I'll vaporize some Tibetan Sunshine and we'll get smoothed out. Maybe we can watch Planet Earth and then you'll break me off some of that junk in your trunk.

Oprah [To Tazer]: How do you live with this animal?

Tazer: Oh. Well, I am the only one on the team who can take care of him and if I was not around to supervise him, he would be ten times worse. He is actually quite a good hockey player and we do require his skills on the ice. Much of his coarse, uncouth, ill-bred behavior is accepted as long as he keeps playing well.

Kaner [To Tazer]: Thanks, bro.

[Tazer nods in acknowledgement]

[The music in the studio cranks up, indicating that the show is coming back from the commercial break.]

Kaner [To Oprah]: I like my butt meat dark.

Oprah: And we're back! So guys, let's get into this, everyone in the audience is dying to know: Are you single? Kaner, excuse me, Patrick, let's start with you.

Kaner: I'm single but I would give up my crazy swinging lifestyle if I could get a date with you.

[Roars of laughter]

Oprah: Tell me, Patrick, where would you take me on a date?

Kaner: First of all, I would fly us out to my hometown of Buffalo. I bet you've never been there. I would take you to the most romantic place in the world, Niagra Falls, for a sunrise. I would show you around the neighborhood where I grew up. Then I would take you out for lunch to the Subway they named after me. I would introduce you to my family and finally I would take you out for an evening of dancing.

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: Well, Patrick that sounds lovely. I might have to take you up on that someday. And you know what, I actually have already met one member of your family today. I'll introduce her to rest of you when we come back.

[The producers come and do their thing with Oprah again, then leave]

Kaner [To Oprah]: That was all bullshit, baby. I just wanna get you back to my crib, get you stoned, eat some brownies off your belly and get freaky on your sweet, luscious ass.

Oprah: You simultaneously revolt me and fascinate me, Patrick.

Kaner: I'll fascinate your booty tonight.

[Tazer shakes his head in resignation]

Kaner [To Tazer]: Don't judge me, rim-licker.

Kaner: [To Oprah]: C'mon, baby, listen to me. Tonight we'll both drop some E, then you'll ride the Kane-train to Pleasure Town and I'll take the Creamsicle Express to the center of your Tootsie Pop.

[Oprah raises her eyebrows in surprise and disgust]

[The music in the studio cranks up, indicating that the show is coming back from the commercial break.]

Kaner: I bet your ass tastes like hot-buttered rum.

Oprah: Welcome back everyone! We're visiting with Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews of the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks. Before the break I told you I was going to introduce you to one of Patrick's relatives and I am sorry to tell y'all that this lovely young woman in the front row is Erica Kane, Patrick's sister and that she and Jonathan have been dating for several months.

[Polite applause as Kaner's face clouds over]

Oprah: Erica, can you tell us how you and Jonathan met?

Erica: Well, the first time we met was during Jonathan and Patrick's rookie season when they were just becoming teammates and friends. The next season they moved in together as roommates and whenever my family would go to Chicago to watch Patrick play, we would visit their apartment. Jonathan and I became friends during that second season.

Oprah: And so your romance developed out of that friendship, then?

Erica: Actually, he's so old-fashioned. He called my dad to ask his permission to court me before he actually asked me out on a date. My whole family just loves him.

[Contented, overweight, happy, suburban, white, female, middle class, romantic comedy-loving applause]

Oprah: Jonathan, has your relationship with Erica caused any problems in your friendship with Patrick?

Tazer: Well, I know he was not very pleased with me when we first started going out. But then I tried to explain to him that both his parents and his two other sisters were cool with it and I think that calmed him down a little.

[Roars of laughter]

Oprah: Patrick, is that true? Have you accepted their relationship?

Kaner: To be honest, I just try not to think about it. If I did, I think I might puke.

[Roars of laughter]

Oprah: Fair enough. When we come back I am going to introduce you to the most interesting person I have met in a long time.

[The producers come and do their thing with Oprah again, then leave]

Kaner [To Oprah]: Why'd you have to bring my sister out here?

Oprah: Did that bother you? That's good. Do you know why? Because conflict makes for good television. Plus, I like to see someone else on this set squirm with awkwardness besides me today.

Kaner: I am sorry if I made you feel awkward.

[Tazer hisses with a sharp intake of surprise. Kaner and Oprah both look at him, questioningly.]

Tazer [To Kaner]: You have never apologized to anyone in your life!

Kaner: That's true.

Oprah: I am honored.

Kaner [To Oprah]: Let me make it up to you tonight. Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz and listened to Dark Side of the Moon while baked out of your mind? I think you would like it. There's a whole 'nother world out there, baby.

Oprah: I'll think about it.

[The music in the studio cranks up, indicating that the show is coming back from the commercial break.]

Kaner: I'm as hard as the Tin Man right now.

Oprah: You know I have had some interesting guests on my show over the years: The Dalai Lama, President Obama and Bill Murray to name just a few. So when my producers were researching this show, they thought I had to meet this young man. He goes by only one name: Rinkesh.

[Polite applause]

[Rinky is sitting next to Erica in the front row of the audience.]

Oprah [To Rinky]: I have to say that even after all the research my producers put it, they still were not able to fully understand the relationship between you and Jonathan and Patrick.

Rinky: Well, Oprah, I can't say that I heard a question in your statement there. Was there something in particular you were curious about?

Oprah: Excuse me. Could you explain how a young man such as yourself, a child in fact, has come to live with two professional hockey players?

Rinky: I suppose I would describe the relationship as a symbiotic one in that all the involved parties receive benefits from their mutual interactions with one another. Much like a Sea anemones and clownfish rely upon each other to sustain themselves.

Kaner [Whispering to Tazer]: We're like Finding Nemo, bro.

Oprah [To Rinky]: I see, so how do your parents feel about this arrangement?

Rinky: I have never known my parents. I was sold out of my family as an infant.

Oprah [Appalled]: You were sold into slavery?!?

Rinky: I can understand how one might see it from that perspective if you were not involved but I am sure I have had a much more well-rounded and satisfying life up to this point having left India than I would have if I stayed in the slums of Calcutta.

Oprah [To Kaner]: So, Patrick, have you adopted this young man? What is the precise nature of your relationship?

Kaner: I sing and he plays the drums. Tazer plays the guitar.

Oprah: What are you talking about, Patrick?

Kaner: Our band, FALCONHAWK. We rock pretty hard, dude.

Oprah: Your band?

Kaner: Yeah, dude. We're a power trio, like Rush. You should see Rinkles lay down the beat. He's got this thirty piece drum kit with a gong and everything. Just like Bonham.

Oprah: I am confused. Jonathan, perhaps you might be better able to explain how this young man came to be in your life.

Kaner [Interrupting]: What do you mean you are confused? Don't you know who John Bonham is?

Oprah: No, I am sorry, I don't.

Kaner [To the audience]: Dude doesn't know who John Bonham is! How can you get a TV show and not know that? I feel embarrassed for Opie.

[Roars of laughter]

Kaner [To Oprah]: Hey Sno-Cone, you need to get the Led out.

Oprah's producer [In her earpiece]: You're losing control! You have sixty seconds!

Oprah: Patrick, I have a feeling that you are trying to avoid answering my questions about the nature of your relationship with this young man.

Rinky: Oprah, I fear you you are grasping at shadows here. Jonathan and Patrick are my legal guardians, although it feels more like brotherhood, and that is all you need to know. They provide me with everything a guardian is expected to provide and they rely upon my services and expertise in a wide array of fields.

Kaner: One time, I saw him carve up a vampire in a knife-fight. True story. Kid's got a wicked-good knife hand.

Oprah's producer [In her earpiece]: We're out of time, wrap it up.

Oprah: Unfortunately I think we are out of time today. I hope that all of you are able to come back some day to talk a little bit more about your lives because frankly I find it astonishing. I would like to thank my guests today: Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews of the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks!

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: My thanks also to Erica Kane and Rinkesh. We'll see you next time.

[Insane cheering]

[Fast forward to fifteen minutes after the show. Tazer, Kaner, Erica and Rinky are all sitting in the green room, hanging out. A PA knocks on the door and pokes her head in.]

PA: I apologize for keeping you here after the show but Oprah would like a word before you all leave. She never asks to speak to the guests after the show so I am not sure what she wants.

[The PA closes the door]

Kaner: She wants a piece of my johnson.

Erica: Be nice, Patrick.

[Oprah comes into the room a couple of minutes later]

Kaner: Big O in the hizzy!

Oprah [To all of them]: You guys sure avoided my questions as the end.

Rinky: I believe we answered them satisfactorily.

Oprah: I know I don't feel that you did and I doubt my audience does either.

Kaner: How about you come out to dinner tonight with me and then we'll go back to my place and I'll answer every question you have.

Oprah [Conflicted]: Fine. But I am only agreeing to this because I am concerned about the child's well-being.

Kaner: HOLLA!!!! [Jumps out of his chair and starts doing an awful dance while singing] She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck! Thighs like a what, what, what! Baby move your butt, butt, butt!

Oprah: Son of a bitch.

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