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The Odd Couple, Episode 11: The Tri-Poon Tournament, Part 1.

You can read Episodes 1-10 HERE.

[Interior, back room of the NHL Store in Manhattan. Tazer and Kaner have just finished a promotional appearance pimping EA Sports NHL 11 and are sitting down, drinking some water before they get ready to leave.]


Tazer: So, you are planning on staying in New York for a few more days? What's going on?

Kaner: Yeah, bro. Check it out, they picked me to compete in the Tri-Poon Tournament.

Tazer: I beg your pardon?

Rinky: The Tri-Poon Tournament, sir. It's very prestigious.

Tazer: I thought I was familiar with most of the prestigious North American hockey tournaments.

Rinky: It's not a hockey tournament, sir.

Kaner: Yeah bro, this is a tourney for poon-hunters.

Tazer: I am sorry...I do not understand.

Kaner: Pussy-hounds, cuz. Didn't you know I'm the number one ranked cooze-chaser in the NHL? Rankings came out last week.

Tazer: I don't know what you're talking about.

Rinky [Shaking his head]: Of course you don't, sir. You are ranked number seven hundred and forty-eight.

Tazer: Out of how many?

Rinky: Seven hundred and fifty, sir.

Tazer [Coldly]: I see.

Kaner: Anyway, bro, I have to stick around for a few days and try and defend the title.

Tazer: From who?

Kaner: Piven, for one.

Tazer: Jeremy Piven? He's a Blackhawks fan.

Kaner: He's a band-wagoner, dude. Only shows up at the playoffs.

Rinky [Quietly to himself]: But damn, he can pull some tail.

Tazer: He seemed like a nice enough fellow on the occasions we have met.

Kaner: Don't kid yourself, bro-ham. Piven's a Grade-A douche bag and he snags more snatch than just about anyone in Hollywood.

Rinky: Oh, the competition will be stiff this year.

Kaner: And so will The Turk.

Rinky: Indeed, sir. Indeed.

Tazer: Who is The Turk?

Kaner: My tool, bro. My johnson.

Tazer: Your penis has a name?

Kaner: Yours doesn't?

Tazer [Disgusted]: Of course not.

Kaner: That's about to change, son. Every dong needs a name. Let's see, let's see. I've seen your package more times than I care to remember. It's nicely proportioned, well-groomed, clean, a slight east-west curvature, circumcised, decent coloring, the ball sack is rather loose but all in all I would say it's a very powerful yet optimistic wang.

Tazer [Horrified]: Oh my God.

Kaner: From now on, your cock's name is Thor.

Rinky [To Kaner] : Well done, sir.

Rinky [To Tazer]: Congratulations, sir. [Extends his hand to shake with Tazer]

Tazer: Thor? The Norse God of thunder?

Kaner: Fuck yeah, bro! Your knob is a fucking divinity!

Tazer: It is?

Kaner: Fuckin' A! Go forth and hammer the shit out of unsuspecting virgins.

Tazer: I have a girlfriend.

Kaner: Don't remind me, dick-lick. You're the twenty-two year-old Captain of the Stanley Cup Champions. The world is a buffet of free pussy and yet you decide you'd would like to fuck my sister. Real smart, rim-taster.

Tazer: We're in love.

Kaner: Love is for homos.

[Tazer shrugs his shoulders]

Kaner: Whatever. I have to get going. I have to go meet with The Committee in a few minutes.

Tazer: The Committee?

Kaner: Warren Beatty, Derek Jeter and Smokey Robinson. All legendary cocksmen. Hall-of-Famers. I can't believe I have to explain this to you.

Tazer [Insulted]: Well, excuse me!

Kaner: Look, every year The Committee meets to sort out the rankings and pick one candidate from each of their areas of expertise: Acting, Athletics and Music. The candidates then compete in the Tri-Poon Tournament. Last year it was Robert Pattinson, Tim Tebow and John Legend.

Tazer: Tim Tebow?

Kaner: Yeah, dude. Don't believe the hype. That kid has the best PR team in the world. I was hanging out with him last night. Found out that one: he's an atheist, two: he fucked the entire Broncos cheer leading squad in his first week with the team and three: he calls his cock "The Flamethrower".

Rinky: He took Team Edward and Legend to school last year.

Kaner: So this year it's up to me to defend the title for Athletics.

Tazer: Against Piven and who?

Rinky [Whispered]: Bieber.

Tazer: Justin Bieber?

Kaner: AKA Weapon X. At least that's what he calls his cock. A top-secret Canadian military experiment sent to fuck his way through every tween, pre-teen, teen, twenty-something, thirty-something, milf and cougar in Los Angeles.

Rinky: He fornicates with the efficiency of a perpetual motion machine.

Tazer: I am amazed.

Kaner: Don't sleep on Bieber.

Tazer: So, if you would, please tell me how this tournament is conducted.

Rinky: It's quite simple, sir.

Kaner: It's New York Fashion Week, bro.

Rinky: The single largest gathering of models and celebrities on the calendar.

Kaner: The snatch convention to end all snatch conventions. You can smell the poon in the air.

Rinky: Personal assistants, hair designers, make-up artists, waitresses and any Kardashian sister are worth a half-point each. Self-promoting party-whores with no discernible talent are worth one point. Common models and reality TV actresses are one and a half points. Musicians with a record deal and actresses with a weekly sitcom or drama are worth two points. Supermodels, feature film actresses, Emmy-winners and Grammy-winners are worth three points. Oscar-winners are four points. J-Lo is five points and Anna Wintour, the Editor of Vogue is ten points. Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are worth zero points.

Kaner: It's tough out there, bro. Tough decisions. Do I go for volume and try to bang out as many PA's as I can? Or do I go for the big game and shoot for award-winning actresses?

Tazer: A veritable dilemma. How long does this thing last?

Rinky: During Fashion Week there are five twenty-four hour windows during which points can be scored, sir. The windows are open from noon to noon on dates to be determined by The Committee this afternoon. That's what the meeting is about.

Tazer: Well, uh...Good luck, I guess?

Kaner: Thanks, Thor. I'll see you at Training Camp next week.

[Tazer and Kaner shake hands.]

This is the end of Part 1. Check back tomorrow for Part 2 in which we meet The Committee, Piven, Bieber and the Tri-Poon Tournament begins!

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!

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