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The Odd Couple, Episode 11: The Tri-Poon Tournament, Part 2

You can read Episodes 1-10 HERE.

 

[Interior, posh conference room on the top floor of a luxury high-rise in mid-town Manhattan. Kaner and Rinky are seated on one side of a long conference table in the middle two seats. On Rinky's right is Justin Bieber and on Bieber's right is what appears to be a military officer. On Kaner's left is a wheelchair-bound boy of about ten years old. To the left of the child is Jeremy Piven. On the other side of the table are the three Committee members: Warren Beatty, Derek Jeter and Smokey Robinson.]

Beatty: All right, gentlemen, let's get this meeting started. First of all, let me offer my congratulations to each of you on your selection to participate in the 2010 Tri-Poon Tournament, the 50th year that this competition has been held. It is a tremendous honor to be selected to represent your field. Each of you has met previously with the Committee member in your field but for those of you who have not met each other previously, let me do a quick round of introductions. I am Warren Beatty, the Chair of this Committee. This is Derek Jeter of the New York Yankees and next to Derek is Motown legend Smokey Robinson. [Beatty gestures across the table to his left] This young man is recording artist Justin Bieber and his wing man is Colnel McKenzie of Canadian Special Forces. [Beatty gestures straight ahead] This is Patrick Kane of the Chicago Blackhawks ice hockey team and his wing man is Rinkesh...[Looks down at some paperwork]...I don't see a last name so I assume he goes simply by Rinkesh much like that whore Madonna who I banged four or five times a day on the set of Dick Tracy [Everyone laughs]. Finally [Beatty gestures to his right] we have actor Jeremy Piven. His wing man is Billy, the young man here in the wheelchair.


Jeter: I'd also like to offer my congratulations to all of you. This is the final meeting before the start of the competition. Today you will be receiving your final instructions, you will have a chance to huddle with your field's Committeeman to discuss strategy and we will give you the schedule of events.

Smokey: Congratulations on your selection, men. The only thing I have to say is this: Don't leave any points out there. Don't leave any stone unturned and don't leave any snatch unbanged. Good luck.

Beatty: You have all read the preliminary instruction packet and now we'd just like to review a couple of the most important points. Your wing man is responsible for keeping your score. We will have auditors in the field doing spot-checks to maintain the integrity of the event. This a gentleman's game and we rely upon the participants to uphold its' values and traditions. Points can only be tallied after vaginal intercourse with a female is completed. You must finish inside the lady. This Committee does not endorse the use of contraception and a half point will be deducted from any scoring play in which a condom is used. During the competition you may seek verbal advice from your Committeeman as well all former candidates in your field. Any lady involved in a scoring play must be affiliated in some way with Fashion Week. In other words, a waitress working a cocktail party at a Fashion Week event is fair game but a random hostess at a TGI Friday's in the Village is a waste of your time and jizz. Target with care.

Jeter: Here is the schedule and the contact information for all former candidates in your field that are presently alive. [Slides three manila envelopes across the table] You can peruse it after you leave this meeting but the most important thing to know is that the first of five scoring windows opens tomorrow at noon.

Smokey [To Jeter]: Give 'em the Wild Card.

[Murmuring amongst the candidates and their wing men.]

[Jeter slides three smaller envelopes across the table.]

Beatty: That is your Wild Card, gentlemen. Inside the envelope you will find a scenario. If you complete the entire scenario you will receive a ten point bonus. You may not open the wild card until after you leave this room. I hereby declare the 2010 Tri-Poon Tournaent Open! This meeting is adjourned and you can all huddle with your respective Committeeman.

[The candidates and their wing men break off into groups with their respective Committeeman.]

[The Acting Group of Beatty, Piven and Billy are talking in one corner of the room.]

Beatty [To Piven, gesturing at Billy]: I see you played the cripple card with your wing man. That is a high-risk, high-reward endeavor.

Piven: Yeah, I know what you're saying but kids in wheelchairs open a lot of doors and girls turn into water when they find out that I'm helping a terminally ill kid live out his Make-A-Wish dream. Billy knows what he's doing.

Beatty: [To Billy] What's wrong with you, kid?

Billy: Nothing, sir. Mr. Piven hired me to play the part.

Beatty: I like the way you're thinking, Piven. By the way, what do you call your cock?

Piven: El toro de oro.

Billy: The Golden Bull.

Beatty: I like it, Piven.

Piven [Bashfully]: Do you mind sir, if I ask what yours is called?

Beatty: Majestic Prince.

Piven: Holy shit.

Beatty: He's named after the 1969 Kentucky Derby winner. I was told on more than one occassion that our equipment bore a striking resemblance to each other.

Piven: Wow.

[The Music Group of Smokey, Col. McKenzie and Bieber are huddling in a different corner of the room.]

Smokey [To Col. McKenzie, gesturing at Bieber]: Is Weapon X a go for Operation: Beaver Hunt?

Col. McKenzie: That's an affirmative, sir. We ran him through a full battery of tests earlier in the summer at the Much Music Award in Toronto and we were very pleased with the results.

Smokey: With all due respect Colonel, that was Canada and this is New York. I've plowed my way through the Maritime Provinces more than once. The poonanny exchange rate is something like five Canadian for one American. Is your boy up for this? He's been silent the whole day.

Col. McKenzie: He is in stand-by mode right now. At noon tomorrow he will be a fully armed and operational battle station.

Smokey: Very good Colonel. Best of luck.

Col. McKenzie: Thank you, sir. May I ask you one question sir? We are missing one data point and we would like to make sure we have that integrated into Weapon X's psych system before we activate him.

Smokey: What is the question?

Col. McKenzie: The name of your penis, sir.

Smokey: The Sandman. I've put more butts to sleep than you could dream of Colonel.

Col. McKenzie: Very good, sir. Thank you, sir.

[The Athletics Group of Jeter, Kaner and Rinky are talking in a third corner of the room.]

Jeter [To Kaner]: How are you feeling? Are you ready to go?

Kaner: Yeah, bro. I'm ready to do this thing.

Jeter: Alright, good. I just want to make sure you are aware of a couple things.

Kaner: What's up?

Jeter: You are going to be at a big disadvantage going up against those two. Their name and face recognition are going to dwarf yours. A lot of the actresses and models will have no idea who you are.

Rinky [To Jeter]: I have accounted for that variable in my operational algorithms, sir.

Jeter [To Rinky]: So how do you plan to counteract that problem?

Rinky: Depending on circumstances, the highest-yield strategy is most likely going to be an all-out assault on the personal assistants, waitresses and the like.

Jeter: That's a rough game to play. I remember back when I was a candidate in '98 I was coming off my second World Series win but my name and face recognition weren't much higher than yours is right now, even here in New York. I was in a tight spot going up against Ben Affleck and Puff Daddy. I tried that high-volume approach for a couple of scoring windows but I wasn't getting enough points. Eventually I had to roll the dice and I ended up being able to nail my Wild Card plus I took down Sophia Loren and Cher, both Oscar-winners. It was a big upset when I won that year.

Kaner: I hear ya, bro. The Turk doesn't quit though so let's just see how it goes early on.

Jeter: The Turk? I assume that is the name you gave your piece?

Kaner: That's right.

Jeter: I call mine Dragon Master.

Rinky: Whoa.

Jeter: That's exactly what the ladies say, kid.

Rinky: Impressive.

Kaner [To Jeter]: Well, thanks for the advice, dude.

Jeter: No problem. Call me if you have any questions.

Kaner: Take it easy, bro.

[A few minutes later Kaner and Rinky are in the back of a cab on the way to their hotel.]

Kaner: Rinks, open the Wild Card.

[Rinky opens the envelope]

Rinky: It says: "For ten points, you must score with both Olsen twins within one scoring window. Good luck."

Kaner: Mary-Kate and Ashley? Shit. I fucked one of them already. I don't remember which one. It was at a Juniors tournament in Montreal like five years ago.

Rinky: Will they remember you, sir?

Kaner: Doubt it. We were high on peyote. I smoked a lot of peyote in Juniors.

Rinky: I didn't know that, sir.

Kaner: Yeah, man, that's good shit. This one time I got so high that I met my spirit guide.

Rinky: What form did it take, sir?

Kaner: He had the body of a scorpion and the head of George Clinton and it was wearing a Gretzky Oilers jersey, number ninety-nine.

Rinky: George Clinton from Parliament Funkadelic? Wow, sir. Did he say anything?

Kaner: He said three things which I have always tried to remember and to live by. First he said: "Patrick, always remember, bros before ho's."

Rinky: What was the second thing?

Kaner: The second thing he told me was: "If there's grass on the field, play ball."

Rinky: The third thing?

Kaner: Yeah, he said one other thing which I never understood: "Sometimes before you can stuff a beaver you have to eat a clam."

Rinky: Huh. That doesn't make much sense, sir.

Kaner: Yeah, I haven't ever figured that out.

Rinky: I'm sure you'll get it eventually.

This is the end of Part 2. Check back soon for Part 3 in which the first scoring window opens as the Tri-Poon Tournament gets underway!

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!


 

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