The Odd Couple, Episode 13: Cutler & Cavallari

You can read Episodes 1-12 HERE.

[Interior, Chicago Cut Steakhouse, Downtown Chicago. Tazer and Kaner are standing at the bar ignoring the horde of young beauties staring holes into their skulls. Rinky is standing nearby, practically unnoticed.]

Tazer: Do you ever feel self-conscious when people stare at us?

Kaner: What people? You mean all these bitches? They're just here to check out my package, son.

Tazer: I doubt that, Patrick.

Kaner [Mockingly]: Oh, you doubt that, huh? Why the fuck else would they be here then, dipshit? It sure as shit isn't to look at your goofy ass. When did you start caring about what people thought about you anyway?

Tazer: There is no reason to start lobbing insults about the establishment.

Kaner: Lobbing insults about the establishment? Fuck, why are you such a gay? I gotta take a piss. I'll be back in a minute.

[As Kaner leaves the bar, he nods at Rinky who follows Kaner to the men's room.]

Kaner [To Rinky]: What the fuck, dude? Did you put him back to normal or what?

Rinky: Ah, yes, sir. Mr Wirtz asked me to recalibrate him this afternoon before the game tomorrow.

Kaner: Back to his old, boring, gay-ass self?

Rinky: Yes, sir. So sorry, sir. Now that Master Hossa and yourself are healthy again, the organization deemed it was appropriate to have Master Toews go back to his original programming.

Kaner [Muttered softly]: Fucking Hoss. Fucking European vampire asshole. Fuck. [Then aloud to Rinky] But I liked the asshole Tazer. Now I have to put up with this polite bullshit again. What a fag.

Rinky: So sorry, sir.

Kaner: Fuck. Let's go back to the bar, I'm gonna get wasted.

[Kaner and Rinky walk back to the bar]

Tazer [To Kaner]: Ah, there you are Patrick! Would you look at this? The barkeep has informed me that someone has bought us a bottle of very fine hundred year-old brandy. Would you care for a drink? [Tazer gestures at the ornate bottle on the bar].

Kaner: Fucking A, bro!

[Kaner reaches for the bottle, unseals the top and guzzles approximately eight ounces of liquor then belches. The crowd of on-lookers applaud.]

Kaner: Tastes like fucking kerosene, dude.

[The on-lookers laugh]

Tazer [Appalled]: I cannot take you anywhere, Patrick. You truly disgust me sometimes. You just drank eight hundred dollars worth of hundred year old brandy. That liquor is older than your grandfather.

Kaner: Tasted about as good as my grandpa's ball sack too.

Tazer: Cretinous behavior.

Kaner [Cleanses his palette by chugging a can of PBR]: What's cretinous mean?

Tazer: It means your behavior is akin to that of a foul, thieving, disobedient child.

Kaner: I thought you put 'em on salads.

Tazer: Put what on salads?

Kaner: Cretinous.

Tazer: You mean croutons.

Kaner: I like when they go crunch in my mouth.

Tazer: You amaze me.

Kaner: Do they have a Captain?

Tazer [Warily]: Does who have a Captain?

Kaner: The fuckin' croutons!

Tazer: I do not understand your line of inquiry.

Kaner: I don't understand why you're so gay.

Tazer: I am not a homosexual. I am dating you sister.

Kaner: Don't remind me.

Tazer: In fact we just made love earlier this afternoon.

[Kaner pounds a bottle of Grey Goose while Tazer stares at him. The on-lookers applaud.]

Kaner: Who bought us the kerosene?

Tazer: I assumed it was one your many admirers here. I did not ask the bartender.

Kaner [To the bartender]: Dude, who bought the bottle?

[The bartender leans over the bar to whisper in Kaner's ear]

Kaner [Aloud]: Oh, yeah? Where is he?

[The bartender gestures towards the dining room]

Kaner [To Tazer]: Let's go say hi.

Tazer: To whom?

[Kaner ignores thet question and leads Tazer and Rinky to a table in the middle of the dining room where a couple is having dinner.]

Kaner [Loudly]: How's it hangin' Sour Nuts?


Jay Cutler: [Mumbles something inaudible and shrugs his shoulders, then gestures at the woman at the table.]

Kaner: Yeah, I know who this is. Gotta be The Hills. What up, Cali?


Kristen Cavallari [Slightly offended]: I'm sorry, do I know you?

Tazer [To Cavallari]: Please excuse my friend. He is developmentally disabled and has not matured beyond the age of twelve.

Kaner [Gesturing at Cavallari's glass of wine]: You gonna drink that?

Tazer: Silence, Patrick or I will have Rinkesh take you home immediately without any supper.

[Kaner scowls at Tazer but doen't say anything]

Tazer [To Cavallari]: A thousands pardons mademoiselle. [Reaches down to lift her hand to his mouth for a polite kiss] If you would allow me to introduce myself, I am Jonathan Toews of the Chicago Blackhawks. This is Patrick Kane, my teammate, and this is Rinkesh, our faithful valet.

Cavallari [Smiling]: Oh, yes! I have heard of you! My name is Kristen. Didn't you win something last year?

Tazer: Indeed we had the honor of hoisting Lord Stanley's Cup last June.

Kaner [Elbows Tazer in the ribs and whispers loudly]: Tell her I scored the Cup-winner.

Tazer: Patrick would like you to know that he scored the goal in overtime of the sixth game of the Stanley Cup Finals which secured Chicago its' first Stanley Cup Championship in forty-nine years.

Kaner [To Tazer]: You said that good, bro.

[Tazer nods in acknowledgement]

Cavallari: That's awesome! Congratulations!

Tazer: Thank you, madame. The reason we have interrupted your meal however is to thank Jay for his generosity in buying us that exquisite bottle of brandy. That was very considerate.

Kaner: Sour Nuts is all class.

Cavallari: Who is Sour Nuts?

Kaner: Fuckin' Cutler!

Cavallari: Why would you call him that?

Kaner: Look at his fuckin' face! Looks like he just ate a stinky pussy for an appetizer!

[Cutler shrugs and nods]

Cavallari: Gross!

Tazer: Please excuse Patrick, Ms. Cavallari. He is as uncouth and ill-bred a fellow as you are likely to become acquainted with in your life. I assure you he is quite harmless.

[Kaner picks up Cavallari's wine glass and drinks it in one swallow]

Kaner [To Cutler]: So are you guys serious or what?

[Cutler shrugs and smirks and gestures at Cavallari]

Cavallari: Of course we are serious! We're in love!

Tazer: That is delightful.

Kaner [To Cavallari]: I'm in love with your ass.

Cavallari: Jay!

[Cutler smirks and says nothing, Tazer is appalled.]

Kaner [To Cavallari]: You wanna have a threesome?

Cavallari: Eww, you are so gross! Jay! Make him go away!

Cutler [Barely audible to everyone]: Don't worry about it. Kaner's a good kid. He just hides his insecurities behind his bravado and outrageous statements.

[Rinky nods knowingly]

Tazer: Too true.

Kaner [To Cavallari]: Does Sour Nuts wear a cock ring? I bet he does. I tried it a couple times. Very uncomfortable, made my balls itchy.

[Cutler shakes his head in bemusement and mumbles something inaudible.]

Cavallari [Outraged]: No one has ever talked to me like this in my life!

Kaner: The cool thing about a cock ring is that it makes The Turk look like a fuckin' battering ram.

Cavallari: The Turk?

Tazer [Softly]: It is the name Patrick uses for his genitalia.

[Cutler laughs loudly]

Kaner [To Cavallari]: The Turk would lay siege to your poon like it was Constantinople or some shit.  Like you don't have a nickname for Sour Nuts' equipment...

Cavallari [To Kaner]: You repulse me.

Kaner: Fine, I'll give you a nickname you can use later tonight.

[Kaner pauses to think for a few seconds]

Kaner: Okay, from now on you'll call Cutler's piece "The Bear Claw".

[Cutler snorts with laughter]

Tazer [To Kaner]: I think that's enough, Patrick. I believe we have worn out our welcome. [To Cavallari]: He really does have a heart of gold. [To Cutler]: Best of luck against the Packers on Sunday. The whole team is pulling for you and the Bears.

Kaner [To Cutler]: Yeah, bro, buttfuck those fudge-packers the same way you give it to The Hills.

Cutler [Smirking, barely audible to Tazer and Kaner]: Thanks, guys. Congrats on the Cup win.

[As Tazer leads Kaner away from the table, Kaner looks back over his shoulder at Cavallari and yells.]

Kaner: Yo, Cali! You ever try double penetration?

Tazer [To Kaner]: Inside voices, Patrick.

[As Tazer and Kaner continue walking back to the bar, Kaner picks up a stranger's half-finished cocktail from their table and pounds it.]

Kaner [To Tazer]: You think she liked me, bro?

Tazer: No. As usual you came off as an arrogant buffoon.

Kaner: I think she was checking out my unit.

Tazer: I am reasonably sure that did not happen.

Kaner [To a random girl at the bar]: Meet me in the men's room in two minutes. I need a blowjob.

[The random girl smiles and walks away towards to restrooms]

Tazer: Unbelievable.

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!

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