Because we're here to give you the most useless content imaginable here at SCH, Hack, Killion, Sam, and I all sat down at our respective computers like total poindexters tonight to hash out the All Star rosters ourselves. Sam and Kills were on one team, and Hack and I on the other. We adhered to the rules as best we could with how the selections were supposed to go since there were no alternates picked yet, and one team certainly followed the rules better than the other, but you'll have to slog through the entire mess of a chat transcript to see just how it all went down. Read it after the jump, if ye be of stout heart...
Sam: We select Sidney Crosby with our first pick. With our second pick, we select what's left of his brain
McClure: Excellent choice.
Hack and I will be selecting the very pointy faced Steven Stamkos as our first selection
Sam: Terrible pick
McClure: Your move, men
Killion: Well then.. I've always wondered what Ovechkin would be like on Crosby's wing.. so lets find out
Sam: Terrible pick
McClure: Thank you Mel Keiper
Hack: I'd kill for that widows peak
I bet sam would too
Sam: One to talk, sir.
McClure: Oooh, hot bald on bald action
Sam: Is now ours
Sam: Hey Matt, why don't you share with the class what you've said about Hack's dome in the past?
Hack: It's a mess, bald spots, peaks, valleys
Killion: Cause some infighting... i like it. good strategy Fels
We'll have them acting like former owners of the Lightning in no time
McClure: If you think that trying to initiate some intra-team squabble is going to keep me from taking Jonathan Fucking Toews next, you've got another thing coming
Because it's not. We take Toews.
Sam: Terrible pick
Hack: when you say that, I think Barkley, turrible
Killion: With the fourth pick.. we take whichever one of those Sedins that plays center and scores all the points
Sam: Simply genius.
Sam: Stunning intellect on this side.
I think it's Herbert
Killion: Cool Runnings is on HBO..
just thought you all should know
McClure: I SEE PRIDE
I SEE POWER
I SEE A BAD ASS MUDDA DAT DON'T TAKE NO CRAP FROM NOBODY
Sam: So's Jay and Silent Bob strike back, but the part where Elize Dushku touches herself is over.
McClure: Her too
Hack: So we're going with Chara
Sam: They're having a party
Hack: I miss john candy
Sam: Our collective throbbing brain takes Tim The Tank Thomas
McClure: You motherfuckers
Well, in that case, we select the blackened terror of Jonas Hiller and his mask
Sam: Awful pick
McClure: Gaze not into the abyss, as the abyss gazes also into you, bitches
Killion: We also demand you pick Andrei Kostitsyn so Thomas can take another whack at him
Sam: We demand that you pick Andrei Kostitsyn because he'll have the best drugs.
Killion: Have you seen Roloson's all white mask?
he's the anti-Hiller
Hack: white swan?
McClure: Because he sucks and he's a dickwad, not because of his mask
Sam: Wouldn't be a SCH party without a dickwad mention
Hack: speaking of dickwads, you guys are up
Killion: We're honored to take the first Right Winger of the draft.. Martin St. Louie
My eyes hurt from the glare of intelligence
Hack: Our eyes hurt from the glare of King Henrik's bling, so we'll take him
Sam: Terrible pick
McClure: You're just jealous of Henrik's extensive wardrobe, Fels
Sam: We take Toby Enstrom and his special long stick
Which does better work than Hack's bald head, doesn't it McClure? Eh? Eh? Is this beer on?
Killion: Enstrom kind of looks like a goomba.. but only from the live action mario movie
McClure: Well fine, we then take the Peter North to Toby Enstrom's Ron Jeremy, Shea Weber
Killion: by the way.. this spreadsheet thing is awesome Hack.
now that I've figured out how to use it
Sam: Awful awful pick
Killion: Team Fels/Killion is trying to break your heart... we take Patrick Sharp simply so McClure can't have him
Sam: I can't tell if this is entertaining yet
Can you believe that brilliance?
McClure: Fine, keep him. See if I care.
Sam: Simply astonishing.
Hack: we'll go with Hawks 61's guy, Cam Ward
We take Drinky McGoo, otherwise known as Carey Price.
get the cigs and hookers.
McClure: Seems fitting he'd be in an all star game on tobacco road
I wonder if he'll do his pose in honor of Petey Pablo, the only rapper from North Carolina I can think of
Sam: He'll do his pose when he bails Kaner out of jail.
McClure: Well, since you had to trifle with our taking of Patrick Sharp, we will take a big fucking machete to the umbilical cord and select the other Sedin, Cornelius.
Sam: We were hoping you would do that. Moronic pick.
Killion: Played right into our hands
Sam: Such genius, Killion
Killion: Well.. we're bound by the rules of the game here. We have to take the only goalie left on the board. Flower it is
Killion: hopefully he and Price don't get stuck in a dressing room pose-off
Sam: You're going up dere you fucking fuckface
Hack: we're gonna take Duncs, just because we dare forwards to block shots in the all star game
We take Ryan Kesler. COWARDS!!!!!!!!
McClure: Thank you Brendan Fraser
Sam: Thank you for stating your obvious movie knowledge.
You think people will have read this far?
I doubt it.
"This one's called, 'me fans are stupid pigs."
McClure: YOU CHANGED MAN
YOU USED TO BE ABOUT THE MUSIC
Hack: I can't think of anything witty to say, Malkin
Sam: If you're still reading this, then we can't help you
Hack: which for everyone else it's a layup
Sam: Terrible pick
Simply hilariously bad
McClure: Not as hilariously bad as the mouth agape look on Geno's face
Killion: we'll take everyone's favorite Geico spokesman... Mike Green
Sam: and his scooter
Hack: When russian 1st cousins mate?
Killion: does he have to ride the scooter to the game?
McClure: I think so, just so some hilljack can throw an empty tin of Copenhagen at him
Sam: We take Claude Giroux. Giroux giroux
Oh wait, it'snot our turn
I'm getting our Matt's confused.
Well hurry up
McClure: Premature as usual
Fine, WE take Claude Giroux
Sam: Whatever, I got mine
Killion: you tipped our hand
Sam: That's exactly what I wanted you to do! Mwahahaha!
It's a trap!
Everyone knows Giroux has Rabies and will infect your whole dressing room
McClure: He probably got it from Hartnell
Sam: Fine, we take Loui Eriksson, so now we have Sharp and Diet Sharp and McClure can't have any Sharp
McClure: You treacherous twat
Sam: Is this over yet? I stopped caring long ago and no one will have read this far.
Hack: oh they will read
Sam: People will read, Ray, people will read.
They'll read these picks and they won't know why
Hack: Like when we take Marc Staal and everyone let's out a big AND 1 OOOOOOOHH shit, at their draft parties
Killion: someone check on McClure.. he may be choking on a hotdog righ tnow
Hack: like that kid in field of dreams
Sam: This draft will remind people of what was once good, and could be good.
oh people will read, people will most definitely read
It was the daughter
and if McClure's chocking on a hotdog, it's because someone intentionally shoved it down his throat
Killion: Marc Staal isn't in the all star game
According to this neato spreadsheet
And the spreadsheet never lies, Kills
McClure: Words to live by
Hack: except when I called M Staal E Staal, it lied for a second
now I know what it feels like to be a parent to a staal
Sam: No, reality shifted for that period of time
Killion: ahh.. i still have him as a second E Staal
Sam: He was actually named Eric for the time he was listed as so on the sheet.
THat's the power Hack's sheet wields.
Why haven't you picked yet?
Killion: i got confused
and had to get a beer
Sam: Wait you weren't just taking Staal were you
you forgot to evaluate the pick
McClure: Well now that that's settled...
Killion: Just to speed this along.. We'll take Burns because he's got an awesome beard
at least in this one picture I'm looking at
McClure: And Killion loves an awesome beard
Hack: pictures in the spreadsheet, boss
McClure: As the door hinges at the Whirlaway can attest
Sam: By crackee!
Killion: i love beards, shots, and making an ass out of myself
in that order
Sam: Send beard, shots and money! The shit has hit the fan!
I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada and trader vic's...
His hair was perfect
Hack: We'll take that dude that makes people boo Campbel, Dan Boyle
McClure: We're only doing that because this game won't involve much of the defensive zone, where we know Boyle has issues
Hack: you guys somehow have to take 2 dmen in 1 round
which isn't possible
so you'll have to put a forward back on the board
Killion: backwards skating isn't allowed unless it's the trick shot competition
fuck your rules Hack
Sam: Fuck your terrible rules and terrible picks
Hack: hey, I didn't make the rules, bettman hired someone to make the rules
while he eats cereal
Sam: We're taking Karlsson
And you can have Buff
McClure: Oh, see
You HAVE to take Buff
We already have 6 D
Hack: we already have 6 D men
Sam: No, we don't
And we shan't
Killion: fuck.. they're right
Sam: Whatever, we're setting up our roster however we please
Hack: so let's just toss crosby back on the board and you can put buff in the number 1 spot
McClure: But who will think about the children!
Sam: No, we take Karlsson. Your pick
McClure: We take David Backes just to deal with the sheer amount of Canadians on your squad
Sam: Corey Perry to up the vagina level on our team
And Backes is an awful pick
Hack: not as awful as you taking buff
Sam: We haven't yet
Killion: we refuse buff..
mostly out of principle
McClure: We see your Corey Perry's vagina and raise you one tucked wiener from Rick Nash
Sam: It's like Mooslevania
Hey Kills, can you believe these guys are gonna have 7 d-men?
Killion: Backstage and Underage.. we pick Matt Duchene
Hack: To deal with the brightness of the aforementioned Henrik bling, we'll take the tinted visor of an Anze Kopitar
Sam: Simply awful
Hey Briere can play wing, so we take Ratatouille
Which means Briere
Killion: a fine hockey player.. and probably a fine cheese as well
Sam: The only way this could have been worse is we had all met up and video taped this
Hack: with extra shots of my head
just so people know what's up
Sam: I genuinely feel for anyone who's made it this far, this is worse than a Simmons chat.
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Killion: are there just a glut of right wingers still available?
McClure: But not as bad as a Puck Daddy chat, mostly due to Justin Bourne's involvement
Hack: I'm finding it very enjoyable, except for a certain team not following the rules
Sam: There are no rules! This is SPART....I mean Second City Hockey!
Forget it Marge, it's SCH
My computer shows its 2 degrees
that's not even real
Hack: why is your computer outside?
McClure: With our next selection, we take Phil Kessel, who's one nutty guy in the locker room I hear
McClure will be here all da veek
McClure: Tip your waitress, enjoy the veal.
McClure: The jokes are thinning out with the draft pool
Sam: We got Kaner and Price so you know we got all the blow and ho's too, bizznitches!
McClure: And so marks the longest Kaner's ever lasted, even when whacked out of his skull on Busch Lights and Jager Bombs
Sam: See folks? He can't help himself!
He has to make these jokes. He's had two, count 'em two, endurance jokes tonight.
Guys, Hemsky or Elias, it isn't hard.
Hack: so many choices
Hemsky for us
Killion: or Buff
Sam: And we take Elias
Hack: we'll take aaron rogers
he's hot right now
Sam: Have you done Alex Brown yet?
McClure: He's next
Sam: Good, can I go now?
McClure: And we're stuck with Buff. The indignities never cease.
You cheating dicks
Hack: Which Dman will you be double shifting
Killion: if you're not cheating.. you're not trying
Sam: Team Kill Sam will win this game 192-0
Killion: we're going to make Price skate as a d-man for the period he's not playing goal
Sam: and then we take on the Mini ditkas
Killion: McClure.. any more endurance jokes?
McClure: No, this has gone on long enough
Killion: well.. it's been a pleasure gentlemen
Hack: so we're not setting our lines
McClure: Q's coaching
They're going to change every period anyway
What's the point
So as you can see, it was quite the special event. Our rosters are below, and I'm still playing this game under protest due to those cheating turds.