Atop The Sugar Pile - 11/9

by McClure on Nov 9, 2011 9:01 PM CST

Yes, it has indeed been a week already since we've done one of these. And what a difference a week makes. This should be a fun one, shouldn't it? I hope I don't exhaust anyone.

The Dizzying Highs

Coach Q's Line Slot Machine - Ordinarily, this might fall into the Creamy Middles section, but for the last few days, we've seen probably about 938 different forward combinations, and that's a low-end estimate. Patrick Sharp was even taking shifts with Rusty Olesz and Marcus Kruger at the end of yesterday's goat fuck in St. Louis. Word out of practice today is that we'll see Toews and Hossa on the de facto top line, the Patricks on the second, and the original third line of 29-36-67, assuming Dave Bolland can go tomorrow in Columbus, while Andrew Brunette now finds himself on the fourth line, where no one is sure what exactly is going to be accomplished. At least some of this makes sense, but if the results aren't immediate against a miserable Jackets squad, I'm sure Joel will look like a 95 year old slot jockey at a Peoria riverboat digging for any loose change for one last pull of the lever to see if things come up 7's.
Whiskey and Cigarette Sales - These will be directly correlative to back to back embarassing losses to Vancouver and St. Louis under any circumstance, but the manner in which they transpired earned them a place here this week. John Scott in the lineup and the special teams woes only increase the profit margins of these vices, and the power play is enough to make a man step outside for some fresh air not out of superstition, but of frustration. Because nothing ever happens on the power play, right Chief?

The Terrifying Lows

The Special Teams - And we do mean "special" in that way this time. It really is an interesting contrast between the two units, with it taking now 15 games for the Hawk power play to slowly back into dead last in the league with an 8.8% conversion rate. At the opposite end of things, it only took one game of giving up 5 goals on 6 opportunities to the Canucks to drop the Hawks from an 89.4% kill rate to a paltry 78.3%, good for 21st in the league. Applying some highly advanced math, that puts the special teams total to just 87.1, with the old adage being that a total of 100 or greater being indicative of functional special teams. Both units need their heads extracted from their asses, and fast.
Joel Quenneville - Aside from some of these ridiculous line combinations, Q got absolutely pantsed by Ken Hitchcock in his first game back behind a bench. Hitch is even more matchy-uppy than Q so even dressing John Scott on the road was pure folly, but allowing him to be out there long enough for Hitch to get his first line out to predictably pants Scott on their way to their first goal of the night earns Q this ignominy. And if there's one thing everyone knows, it's that you can't give a Ken Hitchcock team a lead, even one that's only had 2 days of practice with him apparently.

And as if that weren't enough. dressing Scott always hamstrings the bench, especially in tight games, forcing other skaters to shoulder an undue load of minutes. With 4 games in 6 nights, the hope was that Q would have learned that by now. Apparently he hasn't.

The Creamy Middles

Corey Crawford - With not a lot positive happening in the last week, this is about the highest compliment we can give any one player. Though the goals in St. Louis are all likely ones Crow would like to have back, he never had a chance against the Nucks, and he flat out won the game for the Hawks in Florida with 41 saves in 65 minutes, and 3 in the shootout. So I suppose that all evens out, right? Ok, not really. But it's all we've got until the Hawks break out of this funk.

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Hi, Bob LeDonne is finishing up his whiskey and cigarette

by Paul the Fossil on Nov 9, 2011 9:21 PM CST reply actions

Mmm

Pistol whip

by Hi, I'm Bob LeDonne on Nov 10, 2011 7:34 AM CST via mobile up reply actions

McClure

You say goat fuck like it’s a bad thing… LOL

Thank you, sir! May I have another?

by Badgerdano on Nov 9, 2011 9:22 PM CST reply actions 1 recs

I found lots of Goatfuck pictures..

.. but they’re all NSFW/Unfunny/Downright disturbing.. so here’s a picture of one of those noble creatures (I’ve had pet goats: they rule!) shooting a rainbow out of his/her head…

enough of the niceties: time for the eye-gouging..
and yes, I probably *should* be asleep right now!

by mightymike D on Nov 9, 2011 10:11 PM CST up reply actions

can be a great slump buster…let’s just hope THEY don’t actually think that. If so, not only will whiskey and cig sales continue to skyrocket, but people in the dry walling business will see an uptick in gigs – due to the amount of holes being created by bottles, remote controls, and skulls.

"What the hell, let's review it." - Dale Tallon
"They are!" - Pat Foley
"What a farce." - Dale Tallon

by HawkVision on Nov 9, 2011 9:50 PM CST reply actions

Yep

Thank you, sir! May I have another?

by Badgerdano on Nov 9, 2011 9:52 PM CST up reply actions

and in case you're wondering Saskjet, I deleted your photo.

not only because of lack of title, but seriously? no.

SCH Narc - check yo'self before you wreck yo'self.

by ahnfire on Nov 9, 2011 10:22 PM CST up reply actions

leaving the rest of us..

to only guess at the Horror..

enough of the niceties: time for the eye-gouging..
and yes, I probably *should* be asleep right now!

by mightymike D on Nov 9, 2011 10:26 PM CST up reply actions

and I have no doubt

whatever the rest of you imagine is probably worse than what was actually posted.

SCH Narc - check yo'self before you wreck yo'self.

by ahnfire on Nov 9, 2011 10:28 PM CST up reply actions

like this, maybe..

enough of the niceties: time for the eye-gouging..
and yes, I probably *should* be asleep right now!

by mightymike D on Nov 9, 2011 10:33 PM CST up reply actions

Oh it’s a smiling goat drinking sweet tea!

Let's Go Hawks!

by K_Dog on Nov 10, 2011 7:30 AM CST up reply actions 1 recs

That goat smokin a cigar?

A nice drink and a smoke after sex!

"How smooth must be the language of the whites, when they can make right look like wrong, and wrong like right."

by thepuckstopshere31 on Nov 10, 2011 9:11 AM CST up reply actions

For some reason that made me really laugh out loud, Kdog. Teh pic’s nice, too, mighty, but this sentence really got me.

www.mjt.org

by ChicoMaki on Nov 10, 2011 1:52 PM CST up reply actions

Auntie Ahn, I have only these points to make:

1. I was simply making a sociological reference to Hawkvision’s perceptive prescription for what ails the Hawks.
2. I decry censorship in all its forms
3. Thank you, thank you, thank you, that was one ugly image, you have done the world a favor by deleting it
4. Seriously, that’s the only way to break out of a slump… don’t tell me Kaner wouldn’t have done it
5. For all you Euro’s out there, Google “Mark Grace slumpbuster”
6. That is all

"No Swagger, No Dagger"

by Saskjet on Nov 9, 2011 10:47 PM CST up reply actions

OK, as the resident Euro-Weenie..

..I can see why this is offensive..

enough of the niceties: time for the eye-gouging..
and yes, I probably *should* be asleep right now!

by mightymike D on Nov 9, 2011 10:54 PM CST up reply actions

Love me some Mark Grace

Led the majors in hits in the 90’s. Always willing to fall on a grenade for his team.

by activestick on Nov 10, 2011 5:06 AM CST up reply actions

Did anybody see the start of the Flyers/Lightning game?

The Flyers refused to move the puck into the 1-3-1 and stayed in their own zone while waiting for someone from TB to forecheck. After around half a minute passed the refs blew the whistle and dropped the puck in the Flyers’s zone (didn’t know they could do that). Serves the TB bastards right.

by Ban on Nov 9, 2011 11:47 PM CST reply actions

Too bad people didn't do that to the Devils back in the day

Brodeur would have half as many wins and 0 cups

"What is icing?"

"Well, uh... icing appen when uh the puck come down... bang, you know, before the other guys, nobody there, you know. My arm go comme ça then the game stop then start up."

by anActiveStick on Nov 10, 2011 12:16 AM CST up reply actions

I don't understand that

If you set up a defense that causes the offense to just stand in their zone the ref’s can blow the whistle and drop the puck in the defensive zone?? I never saw anything like that before.

Thank you, sir! May I have another?

by Badgerdano on Nov 10, 2011 6:51 AM CST up reply actions

I assume they're using the section on faceoffs where it says

When the game is stopped for any reason not specifically covered in the official rules, the puck must be faced-off at a face-off spot in the zone nearest to where it was last played.

I don’t know what rule they used to blow it dead exactly. I assume whatever rule that they use when the claim the puck is frozen on the boards.

by Kev623 on Nov 10, 2011 7:36 AM CST up reply actions

if anyone feels like reading the official rules

(obviously, I don’t) you should be able to find and post the rule that requires a team to advance the puck towards the opponent’s zone in a timely manner.

by Gate3anuhHalf on Nov 10, 2011 8:10 AM CST via mobile up reply actions

But then shouldn't the Flyers be penalized by not doing so (since they had the puck)

instead of the Lightening?

"I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me." - Harry Potter

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. - Douglas Adams

by justforkicks on Nov 10, 2011 8:25 AM CST up reply actions

Now that I've had some coffee

I got over my shameful laziness (see how easy it is, Humpty?) to search for the rule.

“72.1 Refusing or Abstaining from Playing the Puck – The purpose of
this section is to enforce continuous action and both Referees and
Linesmen should interpret and apply the rule to produce this result.”

by Gate3anuhHalf on Nov 10, 2011 9:42 AM CST up reply actions

this'll likely end up

in the Morning Links.. but from Puck Diddy.. a tribute to Ian Laperriere…
one of the good guys

Hope that mean little bastard gets well soon…

enough of the niceties: time for the eye-gouging..
and yes, I probably *should* be asleep right now!

by mightymike D on Nov 10, 2011 12:52 AM CST reply actions

Thanks for the share

pretty great.

"I killed a man 'cause he killed my goat."

by activstik on Nov 10, 2011 7:41 AM CST up reply actions

great read, thanks for linking it here

"I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me." - Harry Potter

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. - Douglas Adams

by justforkicks on Nov 10, 2011 8:44 AM CST up reply actions

I never liked Laperriere

But I can’t imagine how anyone could dislike him as a person

Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh... everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?

by The Cup And Back Again on Nov 10, 2011 12:42 PM CST up reply actions

A very unusually large percentage (as athletes go) of hockey players are fine people

and you can’t judge the guys based upon much of the obnoxious on-ice conduct (there is some that is telling, but not all that much). The gritty rat bastards on the ice are often the very nicest of a very nice bunch

Fighting stupidity since 1958 (its a much bigger project than originally envisioned).
Confusion will be my epitaph.
It needs more cowbell.

by krome on Nov 10, 2011 1:14 PM CST up reply actions

What's with all the John Scott hate?

Lets hope the BLACKHAWKS can commandeer the cannon and prevent it from going off tonight.

"How smooth must be the language of the whites, when they can make right look like wrong, and wrong like right."

by thepuckstopshere31 on Nov 10, 2011 6:49 AM CST reply actions

We don't hate him, we just don't want him on the ice.

"Showin' her my Toews-face!"

by Hawk4Eva on Nov 10, 2011 7:34 AM CST up reply actions

Great guy

not so great hockey player.

Nymphin' Ain't Easy Fly Fishing
Back off man, I'm a scientist

by BigCSouthside on Nov 10, 2011 8:13 AM CST up reply actions

like John Scott the man

hate John Scott the hockey player. He can’t play (though he has actually improved, which isn’t really saying much), and his minutes have to get eaten up by all our other forwards.

"I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me." - Harry Potter

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. - Douglas Adams

by justforkicks on Nov 10, 2011 8:45 AM CST up reply actions

Dizzying Highs

Those are the only dizzying highs?
- How about Kane?
- How about we’re still in 1st place in the Central?
- How about it could be worse…we could be NBA fans, or worse yet, Penn State football fans?

Let's Go Hawks!

by K_Dog on Nov 10, 2011 7:35 AM CST reply actions

word

"I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me." - Harry Potter

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. - Douglas Adams

by justforkicks on Nov 10, 2011 8:26 AM CST up reply actions

Maybe you should start your own website.

Second City Hockey
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a goddamn shame

by McClure on Nov 10, 2011 8:53 AM CST up reply actions

Maybe he could continue to post on here. That would be swell.

by aeroplane on Nov 10, 2011 10:48 AM CST up reply actions

Please accept my apology

I did not realize offering an alternate opinion was not allowed. In the future I will unquestioningly nod my head in agreement with every word you write.

Let's Go Hawks!

by K_Dog on Nov 10, 2011 11:45 AM CST up reply actions