My Esteemed Colleague, Professor Bartimus O'Brannigan, BA, PhD,ToS, (TCD) has recently been in 'Far Amurikay' researching more about the ancient lineage of SCH. However, he also stopped by Miskatonic University in Arkham, Mass. to visit an old friend.. and there he was presented with research that his old classmate has done.. that deals with that August School's "Special Topic", and how it relates to the 'Hawks next Foe..
(Dear Reader, you may go Mad from Terror: We're about to Spread The Love(craft)... Detroit-Style..
The central (or Central) point of the famed Cthulhu Mythos, as written by American Gothic author H.P. Lovecraft in the early 20th Century, is that there exists, in this Universe, just beyond the reality of normal humans (and Mike Milbury) a race of Incredibly Ancient, Eternally Malevolent Beings with names that are really hard to pronounce who once ruled all time and space but currently are asleep in a dank and rotting City that exists only in fevered dreams... (you can probably spot where the next few jokes are coming from at this point)
So, Professor O'Brannigan, right before he had to depart for an extended stay at a Swiss Clinic, left me these notes comparing the Cult Of Cthulhu to the Detroit Red Wings.. reckon he'll tack on yet another PHD for this..
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn*
(* Detroit really sucks, doesn't it?)
The Evidence For:
On the one hand you have Ancient Creatures who exist only to destroy everything that is human and decent. Everything they touch becomes another part of their plan to bring on Six Million Years of Darkness.. and on the other hand, the Eldritch haven't won a Cup lately.
It is said that even to gaze on them drives the fragile human mind to complete insanity, yet still their followers come to dark ceremonies in foul places. The few who have observed these rituals and lived speak of foul, slimy offerings being made to the Old Ones in caverns with impossible geometry and $8 beers.
Here we get to the real meat of the Prof.'s research.. that the current Detroit Red Wings are, in fact, incarnations of the Eldritch.. sent to earth to bring about the reign of the Blind Idiot God Azathothabcock
A massive, slimy monster renowned for the viciousness of his actions. Is know to appear suddenly and commit a hideous deed before returning to his slumber. Apparently imprisoned at Ry'leh while he awaits his time to rise again..
Red Wings Incarnation: FCA Bertuzzi
A massive asshole, FCAB is know for the visciousness of his actions and his abiltiy to commit foul deeds and then sort of disappear. Waiting to be imprisoned. real soon now.
Shub-Niggurath (The Goat With A Thousand Young)
Also known as "The Not-To-Be-Named-One".. because the naming would wreak Destruction on all the Universe..An ancient, many tentacled beast whose ability to influence the actions of the universe were once great but may now be waning
Red Wings Incarnation: Pavel Datsyuk
Also not frequently named as doing so would see Pat Foley sprain something while surrounded by all those consonants.. malevolent powers may be on the wane but let's not think about that just yet.
As H.P. Lovecraft said:
"It was an All-in-One and One-in-All of limitless being and self – not merely a thing of one Space-Time
continuum, Bad Check but allied to the ultimate animating essence of existence’s whole unbounded sweep Quite Bad Check : the last, utter sweep Really Bad Check which has no confines and which outreaches fancy and mathematics alike. It was perhaps that which certain secret cults of earth have whispered of as YOG-SOTHOTH, and which has been a deity under other names; that which the crustaceans of Yuggoth worship as the Beyond-One, and which the vaporous brains of the spiral nebulae know by an untranslatable Sign Complete Asshole
Red Wings Incarnation: Niklas Kronwall
Just being Incredibly Old and Evil doesn't fully cover the Elder Ones/Red Wings situation.. they need a base from which to operate..
So, here's Lovecraft's description of an old City familiar to us all...
"The nightmare corpse-city of R'lyeh …was built in measureless eons behind history by the vast, loathsome shapes that seeped down from the dark stars. There lay great Cthulhu and his hordes, hidden in green slimy vaults."
And just try parking anywhere..
This is where Professor O'Brannigans notes end.. and shortly thereafter we had to bail him out of an Arkham Jail and smuggle him... well, let's not further besmirch the man's reputation.
Suffice to say, Dear Reader, be aware that there is a plane of existence beyond all that men know and can know without going mad (also known as SCUM on a roll in the Central). We have heretofore been happily ignorant of these creatures of evil but sadly must soon reckon with them in a mighty battle so settle the fate of humankind (or the part of it in the WC anyway*)
Yours in Creeping Horror
* for this purpose only we'll count Blues fans as 'Human'