The Odd Couple, Episode 15: The Lizard King


You can read Episodes 1-14 HERE.


[Interior, the Chicago Blackhawks dressing room at the United Center. The Hawks have just completed their morning skate and the players are sitting at their stalls taking off their gear and chatting.]

Kaner: [Excitedly, to Tazer, on his right] Bro, are we going to practice tonight?

Tazer: I told you already, hockey is our top priority right now. We cannot waste time on that foolishness.

Kaner: You need to loosen up cock-munch.

Tazer: The playoffs, if we even make them, start in two weeks. You need to get your head right.

Kaner: My head's straight, bro-zilla. Same place it always is. Top of my rod.

Tazer: You vex me, Patrick.

Kaner: Thanks, dude.

Tazer: That was not a compliment.

Kaner: [Thinks for a moment] Oh. Then you can lick my knob, Professor Cuntnut.

[Kaner turns to his left where Marcus Kruger, the recently acquired rookie forward from Sweden, is silently unlacing his skates.]

Kaner: [To Kruger] What's your name?

Tazer: Patrick, you know what the boy's name is. He has been on the team for two weeks.

Kaner: [To Tazer] Go douche your vagina, woman.

Kaner: [To Kruger] Say your name.

Kruger: [Kruger stares at the floor. In a barely audible whisper] Marcus Kruger.

Kaner: Pretty sweet name, rook. Where you from?

Niklas Hjalmarsson: [From across the room] Don't scare him, Kaner. You know he is from Sweden, just like Viktor and me.

Kaner: [To Hjalmarsson] Shut the fuck up, Hammer Pants.

Hjalmarsson: [To Kruger, in Swedish] Just do it the way we rehearsed in my hotel room.  Avoid eye contact and answer his questions directly. You'll do fine.

Kaner: [Yelling at Hjalmarsson] English only in the locker room you fucking meatball!

Hjalmarsson: [To Viktor Stalberg, in Swedish] I hope he doesn't break the kid.

Stalberg: [To Hjalmarsson] We'll see.

Kaner: [His face is bright red and a vein has popped out on his forehead. Screaming] ENGLISH ONLY!!!

Marian Hossa: [To Tomas Kopecky, in Czech] His xenophobia knows no bounds.

Kopecky: [To Hossa, in Czech] Truly. But do you not find it amusing when he becomes overly excited? It calls to mind the incoherent ramblings of Krushchev, banging his shoe on the podium at the United Nations in 1960.

Kaner: [Screaming] Son of a bitch! I thought we lived in a free fucking country! I will cock punch the next asshole who talks foreign. [Glares around the room with flecks of foam on the corners of his mouth.]

Hossa: [To Kopecky, in Czech, ignoring Kaner] I can see how one may be tempted to make such a comparison. However, Krushchev, for all his faults was, nonetheless, the premier of a Cold War superpower. Kane is simply retarded.

Kopecky: [To Hossa, in Czech, ignoring Kaner] Oh, I was merely attempting to make the point that Kane's uncontrolled outbursts at times can provide a certain degree of levity.

Hossa: [To Kopecky, continuing their conversation in Czech] Perhaps. But then again, Tomas, your sense of humor has always been rather, how shall I say...pedestrian?

Kopecky: [To Hossa, in Czech] So you claim. But it is not my fault that you have never been able to discern the comedic genius inherent in the great Benny Hill.

Tazer: [Loudly across the room to Hossa and Kopecky, in Czech] I rather agree with Tomas on this point, Marian. There is a kind of sublime brilliance in Mr. Hill's humor.

Hossa: [Aloud, to Tazer and Kopecky, in Czech] There's no accounting for taste, I suppose. Although, I will grant that the young ladies Mr. Hill was wont to feature on his show did possess particular physical charms, that as a young man I found aroused my carnal desires.

Kaner: I am going to kick you in the balls, Hoss!

Tazer: [To Kaner] Leave them alone, Patrick. We are all citizens of the world.

Kaner [Aloud to Tazer and the room]: Buffalo is not fucking part of their Euro-fag world, butt-lover.

Tazer: Too true. But Chicago is, so put aside your raging hatred for all things un-American and let us go about our day like civilized gentlemen.

John Scott: [To Tazer, Hossa and Kopecky, in Czech]: Dudes! Those chicks were smoking hot. I mean we are talking piping hot. Boner City, bros! I think the first time I ever rubbed one out was to a girl in a bikini on the Benny Hill Show.

Brian Campbell: [Aloud to the room and Scott] Since when do you fucking speak Czech?

Scott: Havlat taught me in Minny, bro!

[Brent Seabrook and Duncan Keith look at each other with raised eyebrows and shrug. Meanwhile, Kruger has sat down on the floor in front of his stall and has his knees drawn up to his chest.  His eyes are squeezed shut and he is slowly rocking backwards and forwards, humming a tune to himself.]

Stalberg: [To Hjalmarsson, in Swedish] Is he broken already?

[Kaner leans down to try and hear the tune that Kruger is singing.]

Kaner: [Half musing to himself, half to Kruger] Are you singing fucking ABBA, you Swedish dildo?

[Kruger, still rocking back and forth with his eyes closed, nods.]

Kruger: [Stops rocking back and forth. With eyes still closed and still tucked into a ball on the floor, he sings a little louder.] If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free/Take a chance on me/Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie/If you put me to the test/If you let me try. Take a chance on me/Take a chance on me. 

Keith: [To Seabrook] ABBA, eh?

Seabrook: [To Keith] Fuckin' rooks. What're you gonna do?

Keith: It's embarrassing.

[Seabrook shrugs]

Kaner: [Aloud to Kruger and the room] Well, you fucking started it, you rookie fjord-fucker, now get up and finish the fucking thing. I fucking like ABBA, so I'll help you. Don't fuck it up, dicknut.

Corey Crawford: [Leans over to whisper to Marty Turco] He made me watch Mama Mia three times in a row one night at his place.

Turco: I've seen a lot of weird shit in the NHL but I can't say I have ever seen a god damned musical in the dressing room.

Crawford: He sings in a band, you know. Falcon-something.

Turco: Americans. It's always, "Look at me" with those guys.

Kaner: We can go dancing/We can go walking-

Kruger: [Pops up from the floor] As long as we're together!

[Kaner and Kruger finish the song.]

Kaner: [To Kruger] Not bad. Your nickname from now on is The Boy with the ABBA Tattoo. Also, I am going to need you to sing in the band. Practice is tonight. [Kaner gives Tazer a death stare] Rinky will give you details on where and when and what we'll be practicing.

[Later that evening. Interior, a soundproofed music studio room in the Blackhawks suite of offices at the United Center. Tazer, Kaner, Rinky, and Kruger are present with all their various instruments.]

Tazer: [To the group] We should all be sleeping right now.

Kaner: [To Tazer] You know the deal, ass-blaster. You fuck my sister, you play in my band. When you stop fucking her, you can quit the band.

Tazer: I am not prepared to forgo the intimate pleasures I am privileged to receive from Erica.

Kaner: So shut your glory hole and grab the guitar, butt-huffer.

[Tazer sighs]

Kaner: [To a terrified Kruger] The name of the band is FalconHawk. Tazer is lead guitar, Rinky, our faithful valet, plays drums. Usually we're a power trio with me singing and playing bass. But now that Now that you're here, you can sing your Swedish ass off.

[Kaner walks over to a refrigerator against a wall in the studio. He opens the door and pulls out two cans of Four Loko.]


Kaner: [To Kruger] Drink this. It's illegal in five states. It'll loosen you up.

[Kaner shotguns his can. Kruger chugs his in terror.]

Kaner: Get on that fucking mic, rookie. Let's do this fucking thing. Count it off, Rinks!

Kaner: [To Kruger] You ever snort Oxycodone? Decent buzz. It'll take the edge off the Loko.

[Kaner pulls a vial out of a pocket and taps some oxycodone powder onto a pocket mirror then snorts it, he repeats the action and offers the mirror to Kruger who also snorts it.]

Tazer: [To Kruger] For the record, I do not support Patrick's use of illicit substances.

Kaner: [To Tazer] For the record, you have an illicit butt plug up your ass, penis hound!

Kaner:[To Kruger] Let's smooth it out now.

Kaner: [To Tazer] Like a fucking Swedish knight in jail.

[Tazer looks at Rinky in confusion]

Rinky: [To Tazer]  I believe Master Kane is referring to Luscinia megarhynchos or the Common Nightingale, well known throughout Europe and Southwest Asia for it's pleasing song.

Kaner: That song gives me no ordinary boner.

Tazer: [To himself] What have I done to deserve this?

Kaner: [To Kruger] Let's get weird. You ever lick a toad?

[Kruger sobs quietly]

[Kaner walks over to a cabinet and pulls out a small aquarium containing a toad. He removes the toad and walks over toward Kruger.]

Kaner: [To Kruger] You're gonna see some freaky shit kid so manage your fucking high.

[Kaner licks the toad, then holds it our for Kruger to lick, which he does.]

Kaner: [To Rinky] Hit the lights, Rinks.

[Kruger falls onto the floor, twitching and talking to himself in Swedish. Kaner kneels over him and whispers into his ear.]

Kaner: [Whispering to Kruger] It's gonna be alright, kid. You did good.

[Kaner continues to talk Kruger down out of his trip for several minutes. Eventually Kruger starts to come down.]

Kaner: [Whispered to Kruger] Kid, listen to me. I got a new nickname for you, okay? Den ödla kung.  You hear me, kid? Den ödla kung.

Kruger: The Lizard King.

Kaner: That's fuckin' right kid, you're the fuckin' Lizard King. Now stand up and drink this.

[Kaner hands Kruger a Budweiser tallboy.]

Kaner: [To Kruger] It's the king of fucking beers, bro.

[They both pound the tallboys]

Kaner: Now hit this.

[Kaner takes a swig of Jack Daniels and hands the bottle to Kruger who does the same]

Kaner: Now this.

[Kaner takes a hit off a bottle of J&B scotch and hands the bottle to Kruger who does the same]

Kaner: You know the one I want to do.

Kaner and Kruger: WE ARE FALCONHAWK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. 

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