or: "How The Magic Happens"
I've been keeping you lot in more stitches than a Di Pietro & Havlat knife juggling act for a little while now and the accolades have simply poured in:
"Serious Issues" Moneyboy
"You are a seriously demented, sick, fucked up individual" IndianHeadCrest
"What the FUCK did I do??" ToewsMakesFunnyFaces
"Sometimes you worry me, mmD" Ahnfire
It's the approval of my Peers that keeps me going in this long and lonely quest. Sigh. I'm SO alone. It's not easy being a comedic genius, you know.. The load sits heavy somedays, I tells you. There's only so many 20 Cent jokes out there. However, in order to enlighten you, my
captive audience loyal fans, I've decided to let you have the briefest of peeks into the White Heat Of Lousy Joke Recycling that is the Mind of mmD.
Don't all thank me at once.
How It Begins
mmD returns to his Secret Hideout after a long hard day of fighting crime. He fires up his Trusty Amstrad CPC and logs on to SCH. The Hawks have lost and there is a ton of pain in them thar threads. This makes mmD sadder than Harry Potter Fans Right Now
Please note the excellent shape mmD keeps himself in. His workout regimen was specifically designed by professional sportsmen. Admittedly the sportsmen in question all play Darts but that's beside the point.
His muse having stopped by to demand the money that she's owed, mmD plunges head first into the Raging Torrent of Ideas (actual Torrent may be more of a muddy puddle) But which tired, hackneyed, gag to choose?
The soundtrack for this section is provided by Jefferson Airplane. Literally. The music is actually Mantovani, I just borrowed the 8-Track off Grace Slick.
This Calls For More Inspiration!!
Rubbing his Magic Belly helps mmD to think.. he mulls over ideas that are sure to cause a rush on Chicago-Area ERs with an epidemic of split sides
"Kane Hosting a new MTV series called "Pimp My Taxi"?..No
"John Scott enters the Presidential Race and gets Disqualified when he arrives at each Primary three days after it's over?" No.
"A remake of Madagascar starring Maxim Lapierre as an Aye Aye trying to find anyone who doesn't vomit at the sight of him?".. No.
(BTW, this picture is more of a deliberately grotesque exaggeration of mmDs physical flaws for comedic purposes than an actual representation. Of course he doesn't really look like this. He's not Ginger.)
And So, Deep Into the Long March Of The Night He Labours Mightily..
Finally, in the pre-dawn light, having done epic battle with the twin forces of tiredness and his own ineptitude, an exhausted mmD drags his head from the desk and, slowly, raises one trembling finger and hits "Publish".. Vict.. oh.. shit, um.. Two minutes later he hits "Edit" as he realises he's misspelled 'Bolland', 'Chainsaw' and 'Forensic Evidence' at least three times. But, at last IT IS DONE!
Why, you ask, is it necessary for mmD to change into a rather fetching pair of green shorts to drink? I think if you turn to page 214 of "Can You Smell That?: A Study In Post-Ironic-Guilt-Suppression" by Professor Hundleworth St.John, you'll find all the answers you need.
And so, his labours finished for now, mmD sleeps the sleep of the righteous, the justified, the fulfilled. Much the way he imagines Patrick Sharp sleeps after catching sight of himself in the hall mirror. Then, in the bright new morning he returns to the scene of his struggle to bask in the Glory of Victory. He even invites some friends over.
That's all for now, folks: stay tuned because next on "mmD's Relentless Gibberish" is a whole post about Dave Bolland being a Psycho! Bet you can't wait!