(Ho-ho.. bet THAT got your attention, eh, HFBUZZLEVEL pals? This is an example of what my friends who "know" about computing call "Virolgical Marketplacing", where you say something sensational to get people to read what you really mean. I think we can all agree that I did that pretty well here. This "Interweb" stuff is easy pickings for a Hockey-Genius like Zap, I'm telling you.)
So, anyway, we're into the last 48 hours before the Trade Deadline and the pace is hotting up: Dean Lombardi has apparently borrowed Dale Tallon's abacus and the Wild managed to get more than a bag of pucks and a half-eaten corn-dog for Marek Zidlicky. But what about the Hawks? What does Stanley have up his sleeve? Luckily for you good ol' Zap is here to thoroughly dissect the potential Trades in the next two days, based on my "Insider Contact Sources" in the NHL, Media and Benjy's Sports Bar and Grill.
This one is DONE, people! Word is that Stan and Q are sick of Sharp's lack of net presence, hits and that "Regurgitated Milk Smell" that he brings to the locker-room. So they're shipping his pretty-boy ass (Really? Ed.) to the Chumpstown Blowfish for Hugeballes, a 6' 8" 350 lb power forward who currently leads the QSRML (Quebec Semi-Reformed-Manslaughterers League) in Hits, Hits Involving Complete Organ Failure and Hits Causing Actual Decapitation. He's also got three goals, although two of them were in his own net and the other was when the puck deflected in off the third vertebrae of a St. Mungus Scrape Defenseman while Massif was using his spinal column as a stick.
Word is that Q already has a spot on the top Line reserved for Hugeballes. Can't wait to see him out there!
DAVE BOLLAND FOR NGTENDWE M'DENTEKUNDE
Well, this one came as a surprise, pals! Seems that The Rat is headed off to play in the Nigerian National League. The research I've done indicates that this League only exists to help release funds left in wills to various people worldwide. I actually got an email from a Barrister in Lagos the other day that tells lucky ol' Zap that he's a beneficiary in a $28,000,000 bequest! (Jackpot! Looks like I'll be giving up the day-job cleaning toilets soon!). According to Bolland's
agent lawyer he specifically invoked a little-heard of clause in his contract: while players often have a "No Move" or "No Trade"built in, it turns out that Dave has a "No Extradition Treaty" clause, only to be used "When The Cops Find Out What's In My Crawlspace".
Not much is known about M'Dentekunde except that he only saw ice for the first time in his life on arrival in Chicago. However, Q apparently thinks he's "Versatile" and he's likely to cause Lepisto to sit out the rest of the season.
JOHN SCOTT FOR JOHN SCOTT
This one is sensational! In a breathtaking move, Stan Bowman has traded Slow-Moving, Defensive-Liability Human-Pylon John Scott for Versatile Special-Teams Forward John Scott. We're excited about this one too, people!
Q has already guaranteed that we'll be seeing Scott 2.0 every night for the rest of our fucking lives!
PATRICK KANE TO THE KINGS FOR A BAG OF GLOWPUCKS
Of course, this is the biggie! Poor ol' Dean Lombardi! he's been the chump of this Deadline, what with offering the Ghost Of Mitchell Past a fat new contract and reuniting the Cramp Twins Of Philadelphia. This time he's really done it though! Knowing that Stanley was desperate to unload an out-of-form, drunken, lazy midget Forward he allowed himself to be negotiated up from a bag of bog-standard pucks to a bag of shiny Glow-Pucks, each still emblazoned with the Fox Sports logo! Burn!
It turns out the final straw for SB and Q was the TRUTH behind Toew's car-wreck. As I can reveal EXCLUSIVELY to you, my HFBUZZLEVEL Pals, it transpires that Kane offered to drive Toews to practice. No sooner was he behind the wheel of the Captain's Mercedes than he pulled up next to a school bus full of nuns at a stoplight and began to hurl foul-mouthed abuse at the driver, Sr. Mary Concepta O'Rourke, 83. Apparently Kane yelled "I eat steak on a Friday and I Roll Twenty Deep" and "I've got something Infallible in my pants" at the shocked Sisters before peeling out as the light turned green. At this point, Toews detected the smell of alcohol on Kane's breath and tried to wrest the wheel away from his teammate, sending the Merc ploughing through a pile of cardboard boxes, a large windowpane that just happened to be getting carried across the street and a hay wagon that inexplicably had a chicken sitting on top. As the car BURST into flames Toews heroically dragged Kane out of the wreckage and urged him to get away from the scene before Deadspin got there. I think it's safe to "say" that Q "hit" the "roof" when he found out about this!
At least we got a good return, eh?
Stay tuned, Hawks fans, as Zap brings you the latest fevered ramblings from the World Wide Web in the Deadline-Day countdown.