Those Trade Rumours Explained

As the Trade Deadline approaches GMs all over the league are either attempting to add the final pieces to their Playoff push, thinking ahead to next year or desperately looking to unload dead wood help Jeff Carter to find the right team.

Our beloved Blackhawks are no exception as GM Stan Bowman seeks to cure our recent malaise and get this team back on track. The speculation rages on the internet as visions of Tuomo Ruutu, Luke Schenn, Tuomo Ruutu, Bobby Ryan, Tuomo Ruutu and Tuomo Ruutu donning the Indian Head Sweater dance through our fevered craniums, or, in the case of HFBoards, we "Get rid of dat lazy bum Cane for Kessler and a Pick" (hopefully it's not an icepick as I really don't like the idea of these folks being around sharp objects)

However, as anyone familiar with the work of the Rolling Stones will know, "You Can't Always Get What You Want" (and anyone who heard their last record will also be well acquainted with crushing disappointment) and what we want and what we get can be two very different things. Therefore, we take a cold, dispassionate look at our needs, hopes, dreams and the likelihood of the answer to all the above being "Hal Gill"

What The Hawks Need: A rock-solid experienced Defenseman to help prevent Nick Leddy's growing pains from destroying our livers. Ability to eat up some of the top pairing's minutes also appreciated. Not getting benched for John Scott an absolute must.

What We Want: Shea you'll be ours!! (Weber no responsibility for the low quality of that pun) That bazooka of a shot! That uncanny timing and positioning! Another Olympic Gold Winner! Likelihood of ever again seeing John Scott outside of a Freshwave commercial smaller than Hitchcock's salad course! Pretty please?

And Why It Won't Happen: We all know how this story ends. When Nicklas Lidstrom's internal energy source is finally used up and he collapses into almost infinite density as a White Dwarf, the Wings dig down the back of the sofa for that Squillion Dollars of Cap Space and sign Weber and partner-in-crushing-our-dreams Suter to replace him. Everyone take a drink now.

What We'll Actually End Up With: "Hi, everyone. My name is Hal. I know you were maybe thinking about getting my team-mate PK, but remember, he's an asshole who doesn't pick up after himself in the locker room. Me, I'm an old-school guy and my gear is always squared away. Why, I remember when I was a rookie with the Bruins and if I looked Raymond Bourque directly in the eye he'd use my head to sharpen his skates. The kids these days, I'm telling you, they have no respect.. etc etc etc"

"And back when i was young we had to make our own hats out of anything that was lying around

I made this rather fetching item out of a dead beaver"

What The Hawks Need: 2C or not 2C, that is the question that Patricks Sharp and Kane are hopefully being asked as we speak. With legitimate Second-Line Centers being as thin as the coverage on Ryan Getzlaf's head it seems like the peg to fit that hole is already here.. which opens up a vacancy for a winger ...

What We Want: Seeing as Anaheim have finally decided to stop dangling the Man With Two First Names in front of us, there is really only one player that the poor huddled masses are crying out for. A wonderful, euphonious name.. go on, try saying it over and over, slowly.. it's better than the OM for clearing the mind and relaxing the soul. "Tuomoruutu,Tuomoruutu, Tuomoruutu.."

And Why It Won't Happen: Just as he did with Tim Gleason before getting him to sign for four more years, Canes GM Jim Rutherford is taking Ruutu out to lunch this week to discuss his future. And when he reveals, during dessert, that the soup was actually poisoned and the price of an antidote is a quick signature on this handy contract.. right here and here and here, that will be that.

What We'll Actually End Up With: Stan causes massive heart palpitations in Chicago by announcing a completed trade with Carolina.. and then presents us with Jaroslav Spacek. In the meantime the Second Line will be "Centered on a rotating basis by Kane, Sharp, Bolland, Scott, Pat Foley and some guy who was cleaning the shower stalls. Rocky's liquor business needs a bit of a boost"

Potential Blackhawks acquistion Tuomo Ruutu poses for a photograph with Brion Gionta of the Habs

What The Hawks Need: With the alliterative CC apparently in the middle of an SS and Razor Ray's hip about to become the most closely watched joint since GMMG absentmindedly lit up during a presser, there have been calls from some quarters for the addition of a reliable, top-drawer Goaltender to expertly backstop the Playoffs. Some have also mentioned Evgeni Nabokov.

What We Want: Since some incident-or-other involving some dinner invite or something (I don't recall it getting much press?) there have been suggestions that Vezina-Winner (no, not you, Bob) Tim Thomas could be surplus to requirements at Baahston. With an SV% of.934 and a GAA of 2.11 he would surely be a welcome addition and provide some much needed security behind the colander-like Defense.

And Why It Won't Happen: Seeing as how every single joke about Tim Thomas being "Over to the Right/Not moving Left" has been told approximately 871,671,023 times in recent weeks we'll go for a facial hair crack: Coach Q will brook no challenge to the supremacy of his 'Stache.

What We'll Actually End Up With: "Collect call for you, Mr. Bowman.. it's some guy named Huey and he's ringing from like, Swaziland or something?"

All of the above is harmless speculation, of course. We can rest assured that the Finest Minds on the Blackhawks Brains Trust are working tirelessly to ensure that we get the best possible players in the right position to enable us to go all the way to the Big Shiny Thing.

Who knows, maybe we'll even get to see a "Blast From The Past"?