Hello, all. Pang Pang here again. mmD has gone out glumly to buy razors so me and the other monkeys, Ning-Nong and Boom-Boom (the ones who do all the REAL work around here) decided to sit down and work out how we think the First Round of the Playoffs is going to go.
We decided to do this in as scientific a fashion as possible, just like Puck Daddy, so first we went out and blew up a picture of our (near-relative) Kevin Bieksa's face to 15'x10' and pinned it to a clean, white wall. Then we jumped up and down, shrieking, and hurled faeces at it. After that we just sat down over a cup of tea and talked it out.
THE EAST: (It has to come first by Law, remember)
NYR-OTT: At the mere mention of Ottawa, Ning Nong immediately lost interest and started eating fleas off my head. The Rags should stomp all over them but then again, doing so would make Leafs fans feel good and the Hockey Gods appear to have views on that this year.
Monkey(s) Say: Rangers. Not least because JFK will sell us all to a Cosmetics-Testing Lab if we disagree.
PHI-PIT: Oh, mmD's going to have a hard time cleaning up after we talked about this one... everyone got quite excited. We really hope the NHL goes Full-WWE on it, with entrance music, run-ins and maybe even a Tables/Ladders/Chairs stipulation for game 3. Rumours that the defunct "Elimination Chamber" will be lowered dramatically onto the ice for OT abound. It's not so much who "wins" this match up as who still "controls" their "basic motor functions" at the end.
Monkey(s) Say: Pittsboigh... but it may not be worth much to them as they'll only be able to dress seven skaters for the Second Round
WSH-BOS: As Boom-Boom says "Perennial Playoff 'Chokers' against Actual Playoff Chokers (and Punchers, Gougers and Elbowers)". Of course, if Ovie continues his late-season surge and Backstrom's recovered and Ward can replicate last Post-Season's form and... oh, who are we kidding? Also: Braden Holtby, fresh from the AHL and with about ten seconds of Playoff experience. Lucky the Bruins are famous for treating the opposing goalie with the utmost respect, right?
Monkey(s) Say: Boston. By a mile (or the gap between Ovie's teeth)
NJD-FLA: Seeing as how it's only thanks to a generous stipend from Uncle Dale that mmD is able to afford to have us on staff at all (under the strictest instruction that he never writes about the Panthers) we're all rooting for Blackhawks South here. Whether or not they have the actual stones to make it against the tough, disciplined and determined Devilzzzzzzzzz... sorry, nodded off there.
Monkey(s) Say: Sadly, we think that Noo Joisey edge this one, denying the Cup Engravers a chance to really troll Versteeg by misspelling his name again.
THE WEST: (It's the Best)
NSH-DET: All three of we monkeys are, for once, in agreement in that we hope they both lose. As this is, sadly, impossible, we are going to hope that every game of a seven game Series goes to bone-crushing triple OT.
Monkey(s) Say: Nashville. Just because they'll then be the likely WCF finalists against the Hawks.. and we can finally show those Billy-Ray Cyrus Loving MFs how we roll, Blues Brothers Style..
SJS-STL: Oh the Hate! So Much Hate! Let's see... Jumbo Joe and His Amazing Performing Elbow or Scum Jr... We Lower-Simians have thrown many faeces over this one but we half fancy the Syllable-Cha-Llenged to overcome the over-rated, over-hitting, over asshat Blues.. but this is dependent on San Jose remembering that they should actually play Hockey in this weird interval between the Regular Season and the Seventh Hole..
Monkey(s) Say: San Jose. Because nothing would send a message better to that bunch of mouthbreathers who suddenly think they're a "Contender" than having a Classic "Choke" side bounce them out of the Playoffs and back to the "Also Rans". Also, Fuck Ryan Reaves. (Boom-Boom insisted on adding that)
VAN-LAK: This match-up is pretty easy to call. Having won Hockey's Ultimate Prize in defending their President's Trophy, the Nucks have nothing left to play for. Which suggests that their offensive stars, the Sedin Twins, will fade into the background, their No1 Goalie will rotate his time with his Backup, their D-Men will feel free to let loose their worst sides and.. shit, I appear to be on fire...
Monkey(s) Say: We really, really hope that businesses in Downtown Vancouver didn't just buy fire insurance starting in June. Kings.
PHX-CHI: Well, we'd have to be Monkeys to predict this one.. suffice it to say, we'll be doing the grunt-work for a very, very sleep-deprived mmD and generally keeping an eye on things as the series goes on.. but
Monkey(s) Say: Haaaaawkks WIN!!