As we all drift quietly along, trapped in these summer doldrums, I've been racking my brains trying to come up with something to inspire at least a gentle breeze if not St Elmo's Fire (no, not that film with Judd Nelson pretending to be ten years younger than he really was.. Again.)
I contemplated the usual Bolland jokes, the same old Kane stuff, maybe even try to find something hilarious about Sheldon Brookbank (aside from his name, that is)
But then a brainwave hit me (round about the third bottle of Blue Nun, since you ask).
Hate. Such a simple thing but the grease that keeps all our wheels moving. It's an easy thing to find in the regular season (usually all it takes is a Pre Game thread that features the words "St Louis Blues") but a much harder thing to locate in the off-season. Hell, we're even playing nicely (mostly) on SCH.
Therefore I reckon it's time we take a look at those Hockey Players who are most likely to provoke us to excessive swearing, heavy drinking and insane, blind rage. And since John Scott doesn't play for the Hawks anymore, I widened the net to catch all the rest of the debris floating around this Sea Of NHL Non-Tranquillity (and get back to my original Nautical metaphors) to see their past crimes and what they are likely to do to enrage us in the future.To make this at least seem scientific (rather than the drunken ramblings of an Irishman with too much time on his hands), I have broken these Dickheads into categories. (Bear in mind, not every player mentioned hereafter is a Dickhead: they just manage to anger the Hawks fanbase. Dickheads)
ASSHOLES WHO SCORE ANNOYING GOALS AGAINST THE HAWKS:
While definitely not an Asshole, and a player that most of us would have loved to see in the Indianhead, there is a feeling that, in his first game against Anaheim for Chicago he would dance into the defensive zone late in the third period, shrug off a defenseman and blast a shot from the edge of the crease past a stranded Goalie. Then clap his hand on his forehead and apologise profusely to Brent Seabrook and Corey Crawford.
2) Martin Eeeeerat
Aside from his dickish tendency to score annoying goals against the Hawks, the way that Doc and Foley seem to compete to see who can draw out the first syllable of his surname the longest may leeeeeeeeead them to go into a feeeeeeeeeedback-loop someday.
This Asshole ticks all the boxes for annoying goals against.. a) He scores them for St Louis b) He manages to do this despite the Blues executing their normal 'Hawks Gameplan' of "Losing Their Tiny Fucking Minds and Marching To The Box" and c) He scores them for St Louis. Asshole.
TROLL OF BLUNDER, HEAR ME CALL
Chief among those who think they can get under the skin of the Hawks by accentuating their already despicable habits is Chris. Obviously, he's Hors d'Combat right now, but his general douchebaggery around game winning pucks and running his mouth in interviews during the Stanley Cup Finals has lived on in the minds of Hawks fans. (And there's no way I'm going near the obvious joke to make here). It was so assholish that it actually overshadowed the way he conducted himself on the ice, which is to say like a wolverine with rabies and all the sense of Fair Play that a headlouse has.
2) Kevin Bieksa
Preening, smug, bucket of pus Kevin "Chimpy McSmirkton*" Bieksa has failed to endear himself to the Chicago fanbase by not only being the epitome of the diving, turtling cheap-shotting Canuck but also by opening his horrible, grinning pie-hole to sound off on such things as John Scott's skating ability (duh, compared to most SCH threads he was positively complimenting him), slagging off the 'Stache of the 'Stache and whining about Duncan Keith's potty mouth on the ice. Which last he definitely corrected by
standing up and fighting like a man jumping on Keith while his back was turned along with a buddy. Amazingly, only the SECOND biggest Fartknocker on the Nucks (about whom, more later.. obviously)
* 'Chimpy McSmirkton' (c) Waylon, and probably the best nickname for an opponent since McClure's 'AWT Nash'
3) Dave Tippett/Don Maloney
Not actual players but.. I'll let these respective quotes stand alone
"I don't think there was a malicious intent on Raffi's part. He's a hard hitter, that's the way he plays the game and he turned coming full speed, caught a guy right in the chest, and unfortunately the player was injured. I don't think there was a malicious intent like you see some of the crosschecks to the face or you saw (Keith's) elbow a few weeks ago on Sedin, there was no malicious intent like that."
"You would think Raffi murdered a busload of children the way he's portrayed here in Chicago"
ARSE FROM THE PAST
1) James Wisniewski
Foremost among the Ex-Hawks who have gone on to be a thorn in our collective sides, Wiz set his stall out early by boarding close-buddy and fellow-wedding-party-member Brent Seabrook. Really, there's not much I can say here that isn't better said (and illustrated) by CNS' Festivus For The Rest Of You
There were times, for at least a couple of seconds each, during the Hawks/Yotes series where Captain Healthyscratch looked almost like a competent NHL-level player. Which must have had Chicago fans of a certain vintage throwing bricks at their TVs.
3) Dustin Byfuglein
Big Buff is included just because his continued existence allows the Meatheads (and some of our esteemed Fourth Estate types) to continually pine, moan and keen for him.
AREN'T YOU ACTUALLY MEANT TO BE GOOD, OR SOMETHING?
1) David Backes
In that list of Hockey Pillocks Who Are Actually Quite Good But Piss Us Off Endlessly, there can be no one to challenge David "All That Is Man" Backes. Mainly because the person he's issuing the challenge to has taken advantage of him skating miles out of position while "Hulking Up" to Assist on a game winner. Keep beating the Fuckwit on the scoreboard, Tazer.
2) The Twins Sedin
Despite being one of the best team-ups in Hockey, these Offensive marvels turn just plain offensive when faced by the Hawks. After regularly trying to counter Dave Bolland by simply diving or vanishing, this year the Sedin's brought the nasty. And while I will never condone what DK did.. well, it was kind of written in the stars (ignoring another joke that's like shooting Columbus on a vast, empty plain)
3) Mike Smith
Despite turning in a Conn-Smythe worthy performance in the First Round (his saves in Game 6 spring to mind) Phoenix' breakout goalie decided that that wasn't quite enough and continued to embellish, whine and generally make himself persona-non-grata around Hawks fans who would, ordinarilly, have been grudging admirers. Way to go, Choad-Smoker.
THE COMPLETE FUCKSTICKS
1) Ryan Reaves
We're now truly scraping the bottom of the barrel.. those players who were put on this Ice to be nothing more than lingering memories and somewhat-ground-down molars for normal people. Reaves gets in here due to being a useless piece of trash who.. well, actually, m'learned colleague Slaky puts it better than I ever could in a great Hatecap Actually managed to be "Most Worthless Human Being On The Ice" in a game that featured John Scott.. who he also, famously, punched in the back of the head while Treebeard was temporarily felled. Oh, how he will pay.
2) Alex Burrows
You all knew he was going to make it in here, didn't you? The biggest Penis on a team chock-full of them, Burrows is as renowned for his biting and cheap-shotting as he is for his turtling and whining. Even Kevin Bieksa calls him stupid in public. His scoring of the goal that put the Hawks out in 2011 hardly seemed to matter.. his very presence on the ice had ordinarily sane people the world over rooting for the Bruins.. if he could only use those talents for good.. but of course, the good has never been in the same State as him if it could avoid it.
I'm personally surprised that it's taken me this long to include a Redwing. And, this spot could have easily gone to Matt Cooke or Joe Corvo.. but Bertuzzi stands out. A POS who ended a fellow pro's career with an act that would have got him locked up had it been committed on the street. His apologists will argue that he has cleaned up his act.. which just means he's a nasty cheap-shot artist who, at least, hasn't nearly killed someone in ages. He's a Fucking Criminal Asshole and a disgrace to this league.
Whew. Thank Hossa this list is nearly over. Wallowing with these pigs has made me feel pretty damn dirty too.. and I didn't find space for Lapierre, Ott, Lucic, Kronwall, Abdelkader's Elbow, Doan, Thornton or.. wait a second.. on the subject of Hossa..
Guess there's one more.
IN A LEAGUE OF ITS OWN
Number Two (in the scatalogical sense) Raffi Torres
What is there to say about this monumental waste of air that hasn't already been said? I'll let pictures speak a thousand words. Oh, and Fuck Raffi Torres.
Thanks to both the magic of real-time editing and recent events, I would like to propose a new category
Well done, Fuckwit. You managed to stay out of this post, more to do with the caliber of you opposition than any ability you have yourself (what ability,?) Then you opened your stupid fucking mouth and let some effluvia fall out. In the company of StL shock-jocks (they'll really shock their audience when they tell them about this "Opposable Thumbs Thing" that has seemingly bypassed St Louis) of all 'people'.
What a dumb POS you are.. if ever a Hockey "Player" ("player" depending on your definition of how key munching pretzels in the press-box is to on-ice events) deserved the nickname "Bag Of Dicks", it's you, you dumb-ass. Posibly the only person to let themselves get beaten up by John Scott not once, not twice, but three fucking times .Ignorant Dumbass.