Diving For Dear Life

Some of you may have come across this interesting side-story to the current CBA Negotiations (or complete lack of same). Elsewhere in Toronto, Colin Campbell (remember him?) is hosting a Rules Summit with some of the best and brightest of the NHL's Players (and Kevin Bieksa). Apparently it has come to light that the players would like a list of the worst Embellishers in the League posted on every NHL Locker Room wall, to publicly shame those considered the most frequent violators of Rule 64.1.

I'm sure most of you spotted a couple of "issues" with this idea.

1) Colin Campbell approves of it. This being the same guy who accused Marc Savard of being a "Fake Artist", not only in emails written years before the Cooke Incident, but also by shouting it at him in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and tapping it out in Morse Code while the CAT Scan was in progress.

2) Kevin Bieksa also approves of it. Either this is an apocalyptic Trolling of Burrows or he's going to be a lonely, lonely guy in the Nucks Locker Room next year.

3) On the subject of the Nucks, having such a list on the wall could cause some pre-game confusion when it's exactly the same as their Lineup Card for that night.

It'll never happen, but it did get me thinking about who would be likely to make an appearance on the list.

So, in no particular order, some of the Champion Floppers, Droppers and Tumbleweeds of the NHL. This Fanpost has a shit ton of Links and Videos.. trust me, all of them open in new windows (Puck Daddy should learn a lesson!)

A Quick Guide To Our Rating System:

We have decided to use the pre-eminent diver of his generation to rate our flop-artists. No, not Greg Louganis.

1 ryans

1 Ryan: You suck at Diving. Most likely you've gone down after contact because you're exhausted after the end of your shift and need a quick breather before you get off the ice (Not Applicable to Duncan Keith, because what's this "Off The Ice" bullshit?

2 ryans

2 Ryans: You don't really have this "Embellishment" thing down.. either you're an OK player who happens to take the odd tumble or you're a shit player who sucks at diving too. Paging Mr Letang.

3 ryans

3 Ryans: Oh, you suck. At everything. You are one of those annoying mid-level players who exists only to annoy opposition fans. Chances are that you also Instigate. Turtle, Cheap-Shot and Whine. And if your name isn't Burrows, colour me surprised (not that sort of 'Colour', Raffi)

4 ryans

4 Ryans: Shit, you're a real asshole. You are a talented, elite Hockey player yet you can't resist collapsing to the ice when given the opportunity. I'll bet you have a Twin, too. Asshole.

5 ryans

5 Ryans: Wow. This one is reserved for the Creme de la Merde. You are the Ne Plus Ultra of Divers. They are currently re-shooting some classic Westerns just to feature you as tumbleweed in it. Tom Daley had phoned you, looking for tips. Cormorants discuss your Technique in envious tones (if birds had tones, of course). Nice work, Ryan.

Brad Marchand (BOS)

Well known as a Complete Tool for his Misspelled Tattoos , Nasty Clipping (shameless self-promotion alert) and All-Round Asshattery, it also turns out that Marchand is a world-class (or 'Champian') diver. The following video has some of his greatest moments from the series against the Caps last year (and I'm guessing it may have been made by a Caps fan.. call it a hunch) It also features Jon Stewart, for reasons unclear. Check out those two "I've been shot in the face and I can't get up" moments about 7 seconds apart.

Diver Rating:

4 ryans

Marchand gets 4 Ryans for the audacity of recovering from one "Nearly Fatal" blow to the head just in time to receive "Another" one. Notice the way that even the legendarily 'Violence-Happy' bruins aren't jumping on people to avenge these. Chara is probably on the verge of throwing up some Pierogis.

Sidney Crosby (PIT)

Sid Ver Kid had to make it in here, although the chances of an NHL-Approved Naughty-List featuring his name are about the same as my chances of winning the Nobel Prize for Literature while accompanied to the ceremony by Tina Fey (and also a Pony. I would like one.) While researching this I came across a lot about him whining, some more about him actually getting maimed while being called a "B**tch" by Philly fans (similar to being called a Mouthbreather by someone who has had Paramedics attend his last attempt to eat 10 CheeseSteaks in 10 minutes) and also some wonderful examples of the art of Embellishment

This one from the Pen's last Cup Year in '09 is great.. not only for Sid showing just how sharp his reflexes are by tripping over Brian Gionta (easy to do, I know) but also remembering to clutch his head like that Sniper from Saving Private Ryan just aerated his cerebral cortex. It's also awesome for Crosby/Gomez and Malkin/Gionta pairing off in "World's Lamest Hockey Melee"

Diver Rating:

2 ryans

This one only gets 2 Ryans because

a) Sid is diving from a "Hit" by the Smurf of the NHL (Schtroumpf en Francais)

b) If you have to resort to Embellishment to get past the Habs YOU'RE DOING HOCKEY WRONG

c) La langue Anglais est indertite dans la Province de Quebec. Il s'appelle "embellissement"..

Joe Thornton (SJS)

Good old Jumbo Joe. the "Face" of the Sha-Arks (assuming they choose to bury said "face" in the nearest available sand come Playoff Time) Another Noted Dickhead, whose loose ways with his elbows and indeed his Cheap Shots On Toews' Head (I linked this one just so the commentary by a pair of complete assholes will drive you to a hate-frenzy) make him another Pluperfect A-Hole.

Much as it pains me to take the side of SCUM, this one stands out.. first "Jumbits" goes down on a Slash from Known Monster Johan Franzen.. then it becomes hilarious because Franzen jumps on the prostrate Thornton in his rage at the ludicrousness of the dive. One only hopes that what he was saying echoes the empty threat made by the Harassed Parents of Toddlers everywhere: "You want to cry? So help me, I'll give you something to cry about!!"

Diver Rating:

4 ryans

This one gets 4 Ryans.. It's an amazing dive. Not only does Thornton respond to the sort of Love-Tap that he'd usually shrug off if he was bearing down on Goal by collapsing like London Bridge, (that piece of rock that looks like a bridge actually disintegrated and fell into the sea while people were on the spire that it connects to.. they had to be lifted off by helicopter) he grabs his head/face at first, until he has the presence of mind to remember that even NHL refs aren't dumb enough to give a High-Sticking Penalty for this one. Then he has a quick peek to see if there is someone other than Franzen and Datsyuk around him.. and goes back to being "In Pain" safe in the knowledge that Bertuzzi or Kronwall isn't about to pick him up by his ears prior to eating his face.

Dustin Brown (LAK)

Down Goes Brown. Boy, does this guy have a Lowlight reel.. some are sad, some are hilarious (because it's against Hamhuis) and some.. well some are just Chickens coming Home to Roost

Dustin Brown got called all sorts of names throughout the Kings' Cup run, but "Diving POS" was one of the first and foremost. This one, though, leads us nicely into the next one..

So let's watch a Certain Phoenix Goaltender donate a Slash that Mr Brown uses to improve his chance of an Academy Award.

Diver Rating:

3 ryans

Only 3 Ryans here because, despite Dustin acting like Smith actually hit him with a Morningstar, he seems to first forget which leg was injured, then shake the whole thing off in about two seconds. Consistency, MF!!

Mike Smith (PHX)

Ok. I'm eating some Cr.. wait, some black-feathered bird, on this one.

I defended Mike Smith's reaction to a hit from Andrew Shaw on this website. To a certain extent, I still believe I have a point. A natural reaction to getting hit hard in the head (which is what happened when Smith Met Shaw) is to grab at your skull. You don't remember that you've got a mask and helmet on, it's pure instinct. Think of any time you've cracked your head on a low door frame (in Brian Gionta's case, this is Bilbo's house). Bet you reached for your cranium, trying to squeeze the hurting out.

However, Mr Smith's actions in the rest of the 'Yotes run to the WCF led me to believe that, while he may have had an instinctive reaction, the others were.. well, pure bullshit (and, looking back, he definitely over-egged the Shaw hit.. like I said, Mea Culpa)

To piss those of us (well, maybe just me) who chose to defend him, there's





so, here we go...

Diver Rating:

3 ryans

Still not sure if it was Smith realising what a great opportunity was about to be provided, or just latent Assholeishness coming out.. so he gets 3 Ryans for this effort.. but that can be upgraded to a full 5 Ryan for his later antics. Talk about a way to lose all sympathy/support as a once-disregarded Goalie on an insane run of form. Good work, Dickbag.

Alex Burrows (VAN):

And, eventually, we get to a Canuck. You might all be wondering why there isn't a different Vancouver player here.. considering the scale I'm using to judge dives etc.. don't worry.. we'll get to him. For now, let's take a look at one of the single biggest Penisloafs in the entire League.. yes, All-Chirping, All-Cheap-Shotting, All-Biting, Mr Saturday Blight, Turtle Brother #1.. Alex Burrows. What a Cock.

Vancouver Fans like to believe that Burrows is a Pest. They are wrong about this. The Nucks have had their pests.. Lapierre springs to mind. What they have in Burrows is the Complete Idiot. Famous for his whining, mouthing, biting and, yes, turtling (not to mention jumping on people while their backs are turned) Burrows also shines as a diver.

There are some that are funny.. such as Stephane Auger Being Burrows' Mom And Taking Him To School In The Car Of Pain

Or this one.. which is almost reminiscent of Derek Jarman's "Blue" (I can safely guarantee that this is the first and only time Derek Jarman will ever be mentioned on a Hockey Blog)

Diver Rating:

kesler b

Because Burrows is Officially 'Shit At Everything' he fails to score on our "Ryanometer".. instead he gets the negative result.. a Naked Ryan Kesler Telling Him He's Shit At Everything. Because he's Shit At Everything.

You'll notice I haven't mentioned Mr. Tumbleweed Himself..I think using him as the Scale was enough. Plus I'm sick of watching youtube videos of the Nucks. Any more and I might have to fall to the floor of my room, clutching at my skull.

Just one leedle PS


(actual Dive Here)

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