A glossary of the many varied, colorful, and often bewildering nicknames and terms used by the SCH commenteriat. Adapted and expanded from LanceFister3's SCH For Dummies.
Andrew Shaw #65: Mutt, Little Mutt, Hockey Monkey, Chicken Hawk (he weighs as much as one), Shinpads (he owns the luckiest pair of shinpads in the league. I think they score more than he does, including the GWG in the triple-OT SCF Game 1 against Boston, inspiring his celebratory cry of, "I love you, Bolly! I love shinpads!"). His arrival and subsequent scoring streak inspired #Shawfacts, a twitter phenomenon akin to Chuck Norris Facts. He has been dubbed Rat 2.0 for his Bolland-like asshole-ishness to other teams. Is one of the top hitters on the team despite being 5'10 and 180lb soaking wet.
Antti Raanta #31: Antti2 (Antti Neimi is the original Antti), Raantasaurus, Raanta Claus. Finnish goalie prospect. Sometime Icehogs starter, callup when Khabi injured his elderly self.
Ben Smith #28: BEN SMITH!!! (for his Game 6 OT GWG goal, as called by John Wiedeman), Benny, Optimus Grind, Agent Smith, He's stout and built like a fire hydrant. girlphoenix's future husband (or maybe current husband?)
Brad Richards #91: Brich, Richie.
Brandon Saad #20: Manchild, General, General Zod, Kneel Before Saad, KNEEL. A steal as a 43th overall pick who made his way onto the lineup when Carcillo was injured and became a surprise Calder nominee. He's pretty awesome on the ice and is one of the more mature members of the team off it, despite being an infant in age.
Brent Seabrook #7: Seabs, Biscuit (a reference to Seabiscuit), The Captain Whisperer (after he stepped into the box to comfort Toews after his third shitty penalty in the process of losing to Detroit in Game 4 in the 2013 playoffs). Affectionately known as "(my) Seabsie boy" to his teammates. If he looks slow on the ice it's probably because he ate too many nachos. Gave his son Carter the middle name of "Seven", but alleges it was his wife's idea.
Bryan Bickell #29: Travis (Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver), Brain, BRAAAINS (NBC captioned him as Brain Bickell once), Bicks, Bucks (typo for Bicks/reference to his contract). Mistakenly called "Byron" by Doc Emrick, leading to the nickname Lord Byron.
Corey Crawford #50: Crow, Crawdaddy, Mr. Crowley, Mouseketeer because he looks young enough to be one. Watcher (the Watcher on the Wall from Game of Thrones), Crawful (generally used sarcastically), Crawsome. As this is Chicago, the victim of a perpetual goalie controversy. His glove hand/blocker/five hole sucks and we'll never win anything with him in net. He's a fucking beauty (quote from his Cup parade speech where he was totally shitfaced and dropped two f-bombs). If you insult him DesertHawk will kick you out of the Tree Fort.
David Rundblad #5: Sparkles, Sparky (because of this). Puck-moving spare dman.
Duncan Keith #2: Duncs, D2K, Jigsaw (reference to character from Saw, because his teammates claim he's kind of psycho scary and methodical), Teeth, in reference to his heroism in the 2010 WCF, losing 7 teeth in Game 4 and only missing a few shifts, Bambi because of how fast he skates (he has crazy good conditioning and routinely has the highest TOI of the team).
Jonathan Toews #19: Jonny, Tazer, Captain, Best Captain, Captain Marvel (he wears the C and he's the best/marvelous, obviously), Captain Serious (because he is one serious motherfucker, although glimpses of him off-guard on camera suggest his off-ice personality has a large component of goofy weirdo). Captain Seriously [Adjective]. Draws comparisons to Grumpy Cat (Kaner's feline equivalent is Lil Bub) and to a hockeybot who does not understand human emotions, due to his hilariously incongruous facial expressions in any given situation (see also Toewsface)
Jonny Oduya #27: Bangkok Dangerous (spent the lockout in Thailand), Odie, Oh do ya? eg, "I think his last name has a lot of pun-potential." "Oh, do ya?" Roenick is jealous now because Oduya's wearing his old number, but Roenick thinks it should be retired.
Kris Versteeg #23: Verbeauty, Steeg, Steeger, VERSTEEG!!! number of exclamation points depends on his playing level. DAMMIT VERSTEEG!! when he misses an open net or turns over the puck due to excessive cuteness. Only member of the team who may be smaller than Kane. Known for his rapping.
Marcus Kruger #16: Krugs, Frogger (because he likes to play in traffic, gets crunched a lot, yet has many lives), Freddy (his team nickname, from Nightmare on Elm Street), Dream Warrior, The Plan All Along (according to Stan Bowman, his call-up from Europe in late 2011 was "all part of the plan"). "Kruger is mashed, gets away with the puck" - commentary from Foley, and the story of his life. Mainstay of the 2013 PK of blessed memory along with Frolik, and team leader in the non-existent Hits Taken stat.
Marian Hossa #81: Hoss, Panda (was sad panda, a name acquired during the playoffs while he was still serving his time in hell, aka Detroit, now it's just Panda), Gossamer (from autocorrect), HE IS MARIAN HOSSA AND YOU ARE NOT, because few can do what he does. Likes KitKats, as they are "good for you!" His name may be substitued for "God" in common phrases, eg "Oh my Hossa!"
Michal Rozsival #32: Rozi. Elderly depth dman, looks like an elf.
Nick Leddy #8: Led Dawg, Ledpipe, Mumbles. His mouth is always open in any picture of him. Probably the fastest straight-line skater on the team. Is one of Shaw's many bros on the team and lives with him as of 2013. Home-town Minnesota Wild prospect who for some reason they gave up in exchange for Cam Barker.
Niklas Hjalmarsson (Yal-mar-son) #4: Go to IKEA, pick up an item, and read its Swedish name and you probably have a nickname for him (Toftbo is the most common from a commercial he did), Hjammer, Hammer, Meatball (because he was the original Swede Hawk), Nintendo (Super Nintendo Chalmers) Hjalphabet (no one can spell his name), Jelly (his AHL nickname), Jarbles (the LA announcers clearly mislaid the Swedish names cheatsheet in the WCF and called him Jarbleson).
Patrick Kane #88: Kaner, Lazy, Doctor/Dr Kane (A name revealed in a BHTV episode that his teammates call him because he's surgical with a puck), Humpty Hump (from the song, a reference to his partyboy ways), 20 Cent (in reference to the infamous cabbie punching incident, and because he's so hood), Black Magic for what he does with the puck. I think gmh said it best - "...but the devil lives inside this kid, I swear it. It rises out of him in a mist, this baby-faced defiant wrathful version of Pat Kane, escapes his bodily confines to perform satanic miracles all over the offensive zone. The only thing more fearsome than that assist was the keep-in preceding it. The only thing more unholy than his face is his black magic." Always ridiculously talented, he appears to possess an extra gear which often appears when his back's to the wall: "Fuck You, I'm Patrick Kane" mode. In a GDT you may see cries of "Activate FU Mode, Kaner!"
He's a lazy little fucker who never backchecks and parties too much, so we should trade him for Ryan Miller so we can have a goalie who can take us to the Stanley Cup. (NB: written in October 2013). Also a mamma's boy who cries at sad movies. Most of us enable his terrible habits by laughing at them. justforkicks will kill you if you criticize him, so watch out.
Patrick Sharp #10: Sharpie, Sharpy, Sharpshooter, Shooter, Patrick Sharp Is A Very Handsome Man, Handsome. Voted Chicago's Most Beautiful Athlete several years ago. He is a center, but he is a winger. He will never play 2C again despite the yawning gap in the lineup there. He is known as the peacemaker between Kane and Toews during their constant bickering and mutual hatred of each other (exaggerated for effect). He might have a picture in his attic as his career ageing trajectory is non-standard and he just gets better-looking.
Peter Regin #12: Ron (Ronald Reagan). Former Islanders healthy scratch acquired as cheap depth, spent his first game in a Hawks sweater centering the second line because of course he did (see 2C).
Sheldon Brookbank #17: Moonpie (after Sheldon from Big Bang Theory), The Accountant because he looks like one. Depth defenseman and occasional facepuncher.
Kevin Hayes: Kayes, Captain Stairwell. Forward, senior at BC, where he was once suspended from the team for pooping in a stairwell. Younger brother of the departed Jimmy Hayes.
Matt Carey #25: Forward prospect.
Teuvo Teravainen (TAY-vo TER-a-vy-nen) #86: Tiny (he's 5'11 and 170lb), Teukka (his Finnish nickname), Dragon Boy (because his surname reminded people of Daenerys Targaryen from Game of Thrones). Finnish prospect who looks like Draco Malfoy and plays like mini-Kane (although let's face it, he's already taller).
Phillip Danault (Dano), Mark McNeill, Drew LeBlanc (LeBlah), Alex Broadhurst (ABroad), his brother Terry Broadhurst, Garret Ross: Icehogs forwards
Other Blackhawks-associated people
Stan Bowman: Blackhawks GM. StanBo, Standrew Bowmandrew. He's ok, we guess. Unlike many NHL GMs, seems to be aware of the concept of a salary cap.
Scotty Bowman: Stan's dad and advisor. Has 13 Stanley Cup rings. Winningest coach in NHL history. Might be a wizard.
Dale Tallon: Uncle Dale. Former Blackhawks GM, fired for allegedly forgetting to fax the paperwork that kept his 2009 pending RFAs as RFA. Now GM of the Florida Panthers aka Blackhawks South, and Stan's favorite trade partner.
Rocky Wirtz: Blackhawks owner.
John McDonough: Blackhawks president.
Bill Wirtz: Dollar Bill, $Bill. Father of Rocky, deceased former owner of the Blackhawks. Notoriously tight-fisted. Died just in time to let Rocky and Tallon spend the money to build a team around Toews and Kane.
Joel Quenneville: Head coach. Q, Q-Stache, Stache. Favorite hobbies include using the random line generator and benching Stalberg. See Line Blender, Stalberg Line, and Doghouse, The.
Jamie Kompon: Referred to with an expletive when the PP fails to score again, as he's the one who coaches it. See Clownshoes.
Mike Kitchen: Kitch. Assistant coach.
Stephane Waite, goalie coach now departed for Montreal (oh well, Carey Price needs something to keep him sane in the firebath that is the Habs' fanbase). Replaced by Steve Weeks.
Yanic Perrault: Former player, hired as developmental faceoff coach, as no center not named Jonathan Toews could buy a FO win to save themselves prior to his arrival (see Bolly Line)
Denis Savard: Savvy, Savoir Faire. Former player (#18 in the rafters of the UC), was head coach until he was fired in 2009. Kaner is often compared to him in his playing style.
Edzo: Eddie Olczyk. Blackhawks color commentator. Personality/nature of comments of Edzo depends on which network he is on at the time. Catch phrases include "Stop it right here!", "stick on stick, stick on puck", "for all young young hockey players out there", "Eeeeeemmediately", "Tree turdy tree left in the turd" (adopted by Pat Foley), "RIGHT NOW!", "forwards have the D, D have the forwards", etc. (see Edzo Bingo below).
Pat Foley: Blackhawks play-by-play guy and Chicago institution. Common belief around SCH is he is frequently under chemical influence during games, sometimes magling his words in "spectacublrar" fashion. "Go home drunk, you're Foley" is a commonly-used phrase. He annoys the hell out of us, but we love him like that weird uncle and learn to appreciate him when there is a national broadcast and some Eastern Conference commentator is mangling the Swedes' names and failing to distinguish between Sharp, Shaw, Saad and Smith (see Andrews, The).
Blackhawks beat reporters include Mark Lazerus (Laz) of the Sun-Times, Tracey Myers (CSN), Chris Kuc (Tribune), Scott Powers (ESPN), and Joey the Junior Reporter. RIP Tim Sassone, the original Grumpy Beat.
All the 8’s: Kane and Leddy on the PP. Notable for the fact they occasionally move their feet rather than standing passing happily in the neutral zone or whatever the hell the other unit was doing out there I can’t even (see Clownshoes).
Daydream Nation: Abbreviated as DDN. The combination of Toews and Kane on the ice. Combined they are 1988, the year the Sonic Youth album of the same name was released, and their birth years. Put those two on ice and it doesn't matter who's on LW, he's pretty much "and a dude".
Elfenben och Ebenholts: Hjammer/Oduya (Swedish for "ivory and ebony"). Also the Swedes.
Good Time Boys: Patricks Sharp and Kane (centered by anyone but Toews, including themselves. See 2C). So called because when playing together they both tend to forget they can play defense. Also Patrick Squared, the Patricks (can also be used to refer to their off-ice bromance/Sharpy's adoption of Kaner).
Human Shields, The: Checking/dzone start line centered by Kruger, generally Kruger/Smith/Bollig.
Jelly Biscuit: Hjalmarsson + Seabrook
The Madison St. Globetrotters: Sharp/Toews/Kane (a reference to Foley saying "It looks like the Harlem Street Globetrotters out there").
Magic Panda: Kane and Hossa (now only seen on the PP as the "Kane at center" experiment has died an unmourned death).
Marlboro 72: The bromantic and professional combination of Seabrook and Keith, a reference to the Marlboro cigarettes of the same name
The Mullet Line, Mullets: Kane and Saad. Mutt and the Mullets when centered by Shaw.
Red Wedding: Sharp/Toews/Hossa, from GoT (when they go out they massacre everything in sight). Also Hammer of the Gods.
Seriously Saad Panda: the Toews/Saad/Hossa line
Wily Vets: Hossa and Sharp, especially when centered by Handzus.
Defunct lines and pairings:
KaHossBomb: Pronounced "Chaos Bomb". Kane-Hossa-Carcillo
The Rat Pack: Bolland, Bickell, and Frolik.
Three-Six Mafia: Any line centered by Bolland, especially when Bolland is in full Rat-mode.
Hammer Soup: Soupy/Hammer combo (Reference to Children's book, no you can't "Click to Look Inside"), also suggested Meatball Soup or Italian Wedding (because they are actual soups that involve meatballs).
GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
Brandon Bollig: Boller (Bolly being already taken), B-52 (after the plane), Robin Dongball (an anagram of his name), Goallig (after he briefly led the Western Conference in scoring after getting his first career regular season goal in the opener). Also Assistig (he can stay), Missig (meh), Drawpenaltig (good boy!), Killig (oh dear), Fightig (whatever) and Penaltig (fuck off), depending on what's going on in the game. Kept around mostly so he can drop the gloves with the other team's enforcer because we don't really miss him when he's in the box. He has improved a lot as a hockey player since his arrival, so SCH opinion is now divided as to whether he is totally useless or just mostly useless. Traded to the Calgary Flames for a 2014 third-rounder because Brian Burke likes truculence and Stan Bowman is a stone cold trader.
Brandon Pirri: Porridge (via autocorrect). Now a Florida Panther.
Brian Campbell: Soupy (like Campbell's soup, generic nickname for anyone with this last name), Ginger (the hair), 51 Phantom (a reference to North Mississippi AllStars, according to my fact checkers). The meathead's favorite booing target. Now a Florida Panther along with
Versteeg, Hayes, Olsen, Pirri, Bolland, and Kopecky (Blackhawks South).
Cam Barker: "Nick Leddy and a dead guy", as that's what Stan Bowman traded him for, in a steal from the Minnesota Wild. A third-overall draft bust (see also Jack Skille and Kyle Beach. Look up the 2004, 2005 and 2008 entry drafts. I'll hold the tissues. Then look at 2006 and 2007 and feel better.). Bounced around the NHL/AHL for a few years, now without a team.
Cristobal Huet: Huey, Frenchie, The Man From France. Very well-paid but crap goalie. Also commonly referred to by using a string of expletives on SCH. Had his cap hit buried in Europe when that was still a thing you could do, then disappeared to zero regrets.
Daniel Carcillo: Carbomb, Gorilla Salad. Kane and Hossa nicknamed him Luigi. In response, Carcillo shaved his mustache and called Kane a racist. Stan Bowman somehow convinced the Kings to give up an actual asset for him and sent him to join his drinking buddies Carter and Richards in Flyers West. Now a NY Ranger.
Dave Bolland: Bolly (calling Bollig this is to be corrected instantly), Fabulous Weapon, Weapon (a reference to Eagles of Death Metal). Rat (he's a pest to play against). His eyes indicate he is 75% psychopath. Known and hated amongst the Sedins and Vancouver's fanbase. Now signed by Uncle Dale to the Florida Panthers for a ridiculous amount of money.
Dustin Byfuglien (Buff-lin): Buff, Big Buff. Known for being rather large in all aspects. Winnipeg Jet.
Jack Skille: Former 7th-overall draft pick/bust (see also Cam Barker) and frequent rider of the Rockford Shuttle. Never got the hang of putting the puck in the net instead of putting himself in there. Sent back to Dale Tallon in Florida in exchange for the vastly superior Michael Frolik. Now failing to the make the Columbus Blue Jackets' NHL roster.
Jamal Mayers: Jammer. Not to be confused with Hjammer or Hammer. Retired, now works for the NHL Network.
Jimmy Hayes: JHayes (his brother Kevin is a prospect at BC, where he was suspended for pooping in a stairwell), baby giraffe because he skates like one. Sent to Blackhawks South with Dylan Olsen in return for Versteeg.
John Scott: Lurch, Murdersaurus, Tree, Treebeard, Little John. Known as "Fluffy" until he actually uses his size to his advantage. Scoot, due to a quite appropriate typo by justforkicks given his skating style. A favorite of the SCH meathead contingent. Most appreciated for revealing the hidden anatomy of Kevin Westgarth's face in super slo-mo and keeping Turco company on the bench. Once played on the powerplay in a playoff game...remember that? Stan Bowman somehow conned the Rangers into giving up a 5th-rounder to take him away. Currently the Buffalo Sabres are paying him actual cash money to pretend to be a hockey player.
Kim Johnsson: Dead on Arrival, any variation of penis puns. The dead guy (see Cam Barker). Probably not actually dead, just retired.
Kyle Beach: More of a project than a prospect. Couldn't make the big team because he's a dumbass who thinks his aim is to be a goon instead of a power forward. Given a last-chance contract and then traded to the Rangers in 2013.
Marty Turco: Crimson Dynamo, Turc, sometimes called "sparkle motion" due to his old pads. TK-421, because he constantly leaves his post (Star Wars reference). The ultimate bench troll for his in-game antics. Trolling instances include the Pierre McGuire eye roll, the Roman Polak door-opener, and the Habs' fan wager. Retired.
Michael Frolik: FroFro, Kelso (for resembling Michael Kelso from That '70s Show), Frolick (either a common typo, or what we like to think Kane calls him), Frolik Navidad (after his song in the Blackhawks Holiday Album). Ashton Kucher lookalike. He has prominent eyebrows, a derptastic face, and he may never score a goal again for all eternity based on his 2011-2012 season. Awesome penalty killer and defensive forward, though. Now a Winnipeg Jet.
Michael Kostka: Thor (he looks like Chris Hemsworth in Avengers). Eastern Conference announcers call him Costco. Puck-moving spare dman, former Toronto Maple Leaf. Waived and claimed by the Lightning.
Michal Handzus: Zus, Zeus, Sad Dad (he has a kid and a perpetually mournful expression), Old man turtle(he's pretty slow). A tradeline depth pickup who somehow managed to win the Stanley Cup as the 2C at the age of 36. Q's veteran comfort blanket.
Nikolai Khabibulin: Khabi, Bulin Wall, Khabibulous, Harvey Birdman. Former Blackhawks starter from the bad old days, inexplicably re-hired as a backup despite being 40 and not very good any more. Busted his groin/legs/rotator cuff/spleen/liver shortly into the 2013-4 season and joined The Dead Guy on permanent LTIR (see Kim Johnsson).
Ray Emery: Razor, Sugar Ray. Former backup goalie. Carried on the transition of fiesty backups, as he's kind of crazy even for a goalie. Career highlights as a Blackhawk include stealing a game in Calgary to keep The Streak alive, and chirping Barret Jackman from the bench. Went back into the goalie hell that is the Philadelphia Flyers in the hopes of getting the starter's job there.
Tomas Kopecky: TomoKop, Kopgretzky. Hossa's Slovak bro, now a Florida Panther.
Viktor Stalberg: Stals, Vikberg, VerSWEDE!, Vik Rattlehead (or simply Rattlehead) a reference to the Megadeath mascot (name appointed by the CI as official nickname). Lemonhead, a reference to his infamous PS attempt where he hit all three posts but didn't score. Also, there is no 'h' in Stalberg. Stop calling hims "Stahls", people! In the course of his Blackhawks career, went from DDN's LW to a playoff healthy scratch in favour of Brandon Bollig due to his frequent residence in Q's doghouse. The 5th line at practice is now know as the Stalberg line in his memory. Now a Nashville Predator, where his hands of stone and 8% career sh% will put him in the top 3 scorers, probably.
AROUND THE LEAGUE
St Louis Blues: Blows, Scum Jr, River Scum. In their dreams are the Hawks' main rivals but are greatly inferior to true Scum, hence Scum Jr.. A team which makes up for its lack of All-Star talent, speed or skill at forward by spending most of the game attempting to concuss, maim, goad and generally damage the Blackhawks. Usually there will be one dumbass staged fight per game. Fuck those guys.
Vancouver Canucks: Nucks, Cannots, Sea Scum. Most of their fans are cool, but their team is a bunch of bastards. Their front office and media presence is batguanoloco and has a persecution complex ("the refs hate Vancouver!") They hail from the city of Vancoufire, named after the Stanley Cup riots. Members of the Canucks include Passy (H. Sedin), Shooty (D. Sedin), Bitey (Burrows), Mopey (Luongo), Divey (Kesler), Whiney (Bieksa) and Dirty (Kassian or other Nuck of choice). Fuck those guys.
Detroit Red Wings: Scum, Fuck Scum, Dead Things. Their appearance is traditionally greeted by chants of "Detroit Sucks" (or as Laz put it, "The Motor City Is Rather Unpleasant"). Most Blackhawks fans when pressed will admit to a grudging respect for Detroit as they were the hockey team to emulate when the Hawks sucked, and there is a certain sibling resemblance and corresponding rivalry. Their fanbase is a bunch of octopus-flinging (not a metaphor) trolls though.
Colorado Avalanche: Avs, Elbowlanche, Mountain Scum, Foot Clan (from their shoulder patches). Coached by Patrick Roy and his tantrums, a few of them have a nasty habit of throwing flying elbows, including Landeskog. The departure of O'Byrne who injured Sharpy and Hossa in successive games improved the team but not by much. Fuck those guys.
Chicago Wolves: AHL team located in Rosemont. Former rival of the Blackhaws (in fanbase), perpetual rival of the Icehogs (in the standings and with fists). Formerly the bbNucks, currently the bbBlues. Fuck those dudes.
Alexandre Burrows: Diver, hair-puller, finger-biter, groin-kneer. Fuck that guy.
AV: Alain Vigneault. Head coach of the
Canucks Rangers (see Torts). A fucking turd of a coach. Complained the Hawks were running up the score on them because we had Nick Boynton running a powerplay. All-around douchebag. Fuck that guy.
Gags: Sam Gagner of the Edmonton Oilers. One of Kaner's many hockey bros (they were linemates on the London Knights). Once scored 8 points in one night against the Blackhawks. I don't want to talk about it.
Flying Elbow: Watch Niklas Kronwall play and you'll get the idea. Also applicable to Justin Abdelkader aka Elbowkader.
Fuck Raffi Torres: Fuck that guy. Fuck him forever. We've all seen the time he attempted to kill Hossa, right?
Jabba the Hitch: Ken Hitchcock. Look at him.
Jackass: Barret Jackman of the St Louis Blues. Fuck that guy.
Lu, Reboundo: Roberto Luongo. #freeLuongo due to the eternal fuckery that Vancouver has involved its goalies in. Finally made his escape to help Uncle Dale and the Panthers meet the cap floor.
Maxim Lapierre: Former Canuck, current Blue. Fuck that guy.
Ovie, Ovi: Ovechkin.
Paste Eater: Ben Eager, or equivalent.
Pavelsteeg: Joe Pavelski, because he looks oddly similar to Kris Versteeg. A vortex is created when they are on the ice at the same time.
Thing 1 and 2, Honk and Donk, The Twins, The Ugly Ones, Passy and Shooty: Henrik and Daniel Sedin, world-class Swedish
diving champions whine connoisseurs fowards for the Vancoufire Cannots best known for their regular season offensive brilliance and postseason turtling in the face of competition. Using "Sedin Sisters" incenses hostile feelings, so stay away from that (see NO NO WORDS).
Torts: John Tortorella. Now head coach of the Canucks after they and the Rangers traded. Declared the Sedin twins would be killing penalties and blocking shots, to the amusement of all, as Honk and Donk's conception of defense is "what do you mean, they have the puck now?"
Turd Burglar: Matt Cooke. "He burgles all the turds". aka, King Fucktard. Fuck that guy.
Wiener Tucker: Rick Nash "Back in the dark days when tickets to the 300 level were plentiful, McClure was at a game when a guy (also on the 300 level) yelled "RICK NASH IS A WIENER TUCKER". This was apparently quite audible on the ice, because Rick Nash possibly looked up upon hearing this. And thus, the legend was born." However, no proof is available, so the correct term would be "Alleged (or purported) wiener tucker".
Worst Captain: David Backes of the Blues. Fought Toews on his quest to take out all Canadians on the way to the 2010 Olympics. Has a suspicious number of high hits and knee-on-knee hits on Toews. Kisses dogs. Fuck that guy.
MEMES, ABBREVIATIONS AND OTHER MISCELLANEOUS JARGON
2C: Abbreviation for second-line center. The Blackhawks don't have one since Sharpy permanently took up residence on the left wing, relying on their elite wingers and a series of stopgaps in the middle. Over the last few years they have tried, inter alia, Patrick Sharp, Patrick Kane, Marcus Kruger, Dave Bolland, Michael Frolik, Michal Handzus, Brandon Pirri, and Brandon Saad. Teuvo Teravainen could be this if he gets big enough to hack it at the NHL level.
'a': A response used when you want to argue a point, but realize the futility in arguing, as it would be like discussing quantum physics with a table lamp. If you're a nice guy, this means that you saw the comment and read it but do not agree with it and wish not to partake in further discussion. Replying with the name of a vegetable means the same thing.
The Andrews: During the 2013 playoff run, announcers persistently referred to players as "Andrew Saad" or "Andrew Sharp", so during the Stanley Cup Parade SCH renamed everyone Andrew (translation into player’s native language optional). Bowman is an honorary Andrew as long as he doesn’t sign too many expensive old dudes, known as Standrew Bowmandrew.
Annette (Frontpresence): Creative spelling/personification of "a net-front presence". Shaw has a loving relationship with her (hopefully his girlfriend doesn't mind), but other players have found her to be a fickle mistress.
Baby goal: Many of the Blackhawks (and other players around the league) have scored goals in the first game back after the birth of their children. Sharpy is particularly known for this.
Backesian: A derogatory term for a player inspired by one of the worst captains in the league. A dirty/thuggish play or player. The accepted response to calling a player "Backesian" is, "I don’t know you Backesian, so fuck off." (From jfk's response when aeroplane dubbed a play "Backesian" and she thought he was referring to an unknown player.)
Badgerdano: When someone takes a comment at face value for humorous purposes. Example: comment - "rec this comment", reply - "ok, but I don't see what's so great about your comment". Named for/started by Bagerdano, a commenter who sadly passed away. RIP.
Ban-Hammer: The SBN weapon of choice against trolls. If you are threatened with this, shut the fuck up.
Ben Eager Hat Trick: One dumbass penalty per period.
#bigBoyHockey: A term coined to explain the Canucks' first-round sweep in 2013. The tale is that the Nucks were conned into building a small, skilled, finesse team by the consecutive Cup wins of the Wings and Pens, and then victimized (see Vancouver Canucks) by the "league style" changing to big physical teams like the 2010 Hawks (see Dustin Byfuglien), Big Bad Bruins and LA Kings. Meanwhile, those small fast finesse 2013 Hawks could never get past the Kings or the Bruins...It proved to be not that simple: the skilled, less-physical Red Wings gave the Hawks the biggest beating, the Big Bad Bruins are only slightly heavier on average than the Hawks (yes, they counted Chara), and after the Hawks won the media noticed that grit also comes in small packages (see Andrew Shaw).
Bogarting all the hits: Hitting everything in sight, seemingly for the purpose of padding his hits stats and preventing teammates from catching him in the category. Also applicable to goals, assists, shots, wins, and alcohol.
Bolly Line: 36% at the faceoff dot. An unfortunately common occurrence with the Hawks.
Brandon Pirri Hat Trick: A goal, own goal and shootout goal in the same game. (Pirri did this on 2013-11-14)
Capocalypse: Through a combination of Toews, Kane and Keith getting new contracts, bonuses on rookie contracts, and Tallon forgetting to fax qualifying offers for his 2009 RFAs so he had to bribe them to stay in Chicago, the Blackhawks were something like $4M over the salary cap in summer 2010 and had to trade away half the team. Fortunately the same didn't happen in 2013 even with the cap lowering. Thanks, Stan!
Charity: The greatest measure of a player's sportsmanship and classiness. A player that has one is allowed to be a douche on the ice and dive all the time.
Chelsea Dagger: "The Dagger". The preferred musical score (from The Fratellis) during the celebration of Hawks success in goals and wins, also known to cause ulcers, urination, and trembles in opposing goalies and players while played or even the thought of being played, fuck even recordings in the locker room make other players shit themselves (Exhibit A). Opposing fans hate it, Hawks fans love that other teams hate it so much.
Chicago Sports Media: Generally incompetent (there are exceptions), so you're better off reading here.
Clownshoes: The often lamented Blackhawks power play, also known as beer reload time, because you won't miss much. Often prefixed by "Fucking" (adjective). The Blackhawks are not allowed to have have two functional special teams. When the PP shows flashes of competence, the PK sucks. When the PK is great, the PP sinks to new lows. Dubbed Power Clowns on the rare occasions when it's scoring.
Cruel and Unusual Punishment: The NHL on NBC.
Disrespect to Country/Flag/Troops: What some people think we do when we cheer during the National Anthem. People who think this are defined later (see Mouthbreathers).
DLR: David Lee Roth, "Everybody Wants Some" reserved for when the Hawks beat the shit out of someone, the soundtrack to an ass beating. Standard rule of thumb is a 5-goal differential. Do not invoke before the event lest you attract the wrath of the hockey gods.
Doghouse, The: For reasons known only to Q, certain players will end up spending games stapled to the bench, or watching from the press box. Failing to play well defensively can do it, or Q just not liking their faces. Troy Brouwer and Viktor Stalberg were frequent residents. Also Chateau Bow-wow.
Douchebag, asshat, fuckhead, penis head, douchenozzle, dildo, fuckstick etc: Many times these are referring to Pierre McGuire (usually preceded by "Mc"), just be sure to check the context, they could also be used for Millbury, Bettman, a ref, or an opposing player (like Bertuzzi, Wisniewski)
Duck you autocorrect: As SBN is now mostly usable on mobile devices, during the haste of a GDT you may see commenters failing to fix the mess a touch keyboard makes of names it doesn't recognise. Common varieties are Gossamer=Hossa, Porridge=Pirri, Janet=Kaner, Trigger=Frogger, Salad = Saad.
Edzo Bingo: http://www.edzobingo.com works as a drinking game, have a case of beer on standby. related, Foley/Edzo Drinking Game: "Active Sticks" "Young Hockey Players" "Crash the Net" etc earn you drinks. Again, have a case of beer at the foot of the couch, you won't have time to get up and go to the fridge.
Fancystats: Shot-based/possession-proxy stats like Corsi and Fenwick (as opposed to production stats; goals, assists, plus-minus). Known as "advanced stats" although they aren't actually hard to understand as long as you understand what a percentage is. Down Goes Brown has an introduction in his usual fine form.
Full Bollig: A comment thread that is very long, to the point of becoming creaky on mobile/older devices. Named after the reaction thread to Bollig's 3-year deal, which garnered 857 comments.
FUUUUUUCK: Common expression of displeasure in response to current events. Also NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, POOOOOOOOP.
"Fuck you, Alberts!": Directed at dickbag Andrew Alberts after a scrum during a Hawks/Nucks game. It was picked up by a live mic on the ice and played on live TV. Origin suspected to be Troy Brouwer.
GDT: Game Day Thread. Consists of individual First, Second, and Third Period threads for the purposes of commenting during games. Companion threads are the pre-game and post-game threads. At the end of each thread (excluding post-game) a link will be provided (quite possibly in the form of a picture) to direct everyone to the new thread.
Gordie Howe Hat Trick: Not an SCH thing, but still worth a mention. Goal, assist, and a fight in the same game for one player.
Hockey Gods: The outcome of a given hockey game or playoff series is very much influenced by puck luck/randomness, personified as the hockey gods. They must be appeased by rituals and not provoked by arrogance or disrespect, in case they become angry and send your team to the bottom of the standings. Notably, a shutout or DLR must not be invoked before it is achieved. The last time DLR was called with a 4-goal differential, the Hawks went on a nine-game losing streak and Toews got concussed.
Holiday Road: Twitter phenomenon and persistent earworm which started with Hockeenight and spread to the beat writers (see Laz) and the music guy at the United Center to become the unofficial anthem of the 2013 Cup run.
Hogwarts houses: After the Western Conference Finals where the Hawks beat the Kings in double OT with a Kaner Hat Trick, SCH was not ready to go to bed. So after deciding which players would be who in Star Wars, girlphoenix suggested we should sort the players into Hogwarts Houses. Thus, the list was born below.
Shaw, Hossa, Duncs, Bbank, Emery, Bollig, Stants, Toews
Seabs, Ben Smith!, Jelly, Crow, Fro, Leddy, Saad, Bicks
Zus, Kruger, Mayers, Carbomb, Rozi, Oduya
Kane [Sneaky (Think his little slashes), Self Preservation (Head is always up, out skates to avoid checks), Sly (His plays to fake out his opponents)], Sharp, Bolly, Stals
Of course it could not be left there. SCHers also needed to be sorted but we determined that you could only be placed in a house if you were sorted officially on PotterMore.
DesertHawk, nineteen88, neverAcquiesce,
girlphoenix, lizmcneill, RS89, antarctikenz, ahnfire, LanceFister3, onsugarhill
mad-hatter, justforkicks, Emilie
I-90 Shuffle, Rockford Shuffle, Rockford Shuttle, I-pass: Named after Interstate-90 which runs between Rockford and Chicago (and beyond), this references the constant shuffling of players between the NHL and AHL for the Blackhawks, either for development reasons (i.e. Jack Skille and Cam Barker before final departures) or cap space crunches (i.e. Nick Leddy on off-days).
Kool-Aid: Digital drink distributed by Stacie7 during especially stressful times for SCHers to restore optimism points.
Kopecky Hat Trick: Whiff on a shot, fall down, lose helmet, all in the same game. A natural Kop Trick is all 3 in one play.
Laaarmer: When the same person replies to their own comment. Named after the scholarly laaarmer for his frequent use of this technique.
Ledge, The: A place of permanent residence for Hawk fans during the rough times (March 2010 or most of the 2011 season) A ledge-jumper is someone that greatly overreacts to a loss by proclaiming the team is shit.
Line Blender: Q likes to mix up his lines and pairings when they aren't working, or to spread out the offense, or just because it's amusing to troll the shift chart sites. The only givens in a Blackhawks lineup are that Toews is 1C, Keith is 1D and there is a goalie between the pipes. Anything else is subject to in-game line blender (also #whirrrrr).
Mouthbreather: People who yell SHOOOOOOT or HIT HIM! or SKAAAAAAATE!. These people also probably couldn't define icing for you if you asked. I'm pretty sure some of these goobers are in the background during Intermission Live at home games. Also, people who support Detroit or St. Louis.
My Little Blackhawk, MLBH: In the heady days following the 2013 Cup win, Patrick Kane was photographed at Rockit wearing a unicorn head. The awesome Ali was joking with friends on Twitter "wouldn't you know Kaner would totally be a brony", and drew a unicorn with a blond mullet. Now there's a blog, plushies, clothing, ponies retweeted by their subjects....loved by most, hated by meatballs who dislike whimsicality.
OT: Off-Topic (sometimes means overtime, check the context). Asking when you should shovel snow during a blizzard during a pre-game thread would be considered OT. Spelled O/T in some dialects.
Palomino: the official "safe word" (reference to an SNL skit, wikipedia it if you don't know) "to reign things in when the slide into utterly depraved starts to appear inevitable … and some of the rest wish to stop things before we go over the cliff."-krome
PK: Many times one of the best scoring opportunities for the Hawks in any given game (see Clownshoes). aka "Hossa Time", "Power Kill", "Blackhawks Power Play", "Hawks PP". "Fucking Nails" in the 2013 season when it killed at a 87.2% clip. Has an inverse relationship to the quality of the PP.
Province which doesn't exist, The: An imaginary Canadian province lying between Saskatchewan and BC. If it existed, it would possess two crappy hockey teams that give the Hawks fits despite being smouldering tire fires in general (See also Sam Gagner).
Rock Vegas, The Rock, The A: Rockford, Illinois; home of the Icehogs (Blackhawks' AHL affiliate). Also bbHawks (can also be applied to other AHL teams, eg the Grand Rapids Griffins are the bbWings/bbScum). They are tiny goons but gp loves them all anyway.
Sarcasm: Default mode for most commenters. If you fail to recognize an instance of this, you have fallen into the sar-chasm. In order to avoid the sar-chasm, sarcasm font can be used by placing @ on each side of your text.
SCH Street Hockey Club: SCH SHC. Where talented and talentless bored people meet (in Hoffman Estates) to test their conditioning by putting on rollerblades and hope to be able to control a puck. Founded circa 2011.
Shit the Bed: To fail epically and completely.
Skills Competition, Lightsaber Duel, Punt Pass Kick Competition, Freethrow Contest, HR Derby, Tiddlywinks Competition, Beer Pong, Flip Cup Contest, Shirtless Slap Fight, etc: The Shootout
Special Times: A typo of "special teams" by justforkicks that is incredibly apt based on the struggles of both the powerplay (see Clownshoes) and the penalty kill as of this writing.
Stalberg Line, Stalberg jersey: The white jerseys worn by healthy scratches in practice. (Also used by the beats). See Doghouse, The and Viktor Stalberg.
Streak, The: 24 games without a regulation defeat to open the 2013 season.
Streak that must not be named: the 9-game losing skid in early 2012.
Swedish Hawk Mafia: Originally Hjalmarsson/Stalberg/Kruger, now Hjalmarsson/Oduya/Kruger/(Nordstrom/Rundblad)
Swedish Hog Mafia: Whichever of Kruger/Dahlbeck/Svedberg/Nordstrom are currently playing for the Icehogs. There's about 3 more of them back in Sweden. The org loves their bbSwedeHawks.
TCI: thecommittedindian.com. Blackhawks blog run by the ToS. Other Blackhawks blogs: Runs on Duncan, Cheer the Anthem, Hockeenight. Do not venture into hockeybuzz or the hockeysfuture boards if you value your sanity. You will end up a sobbing wreck demanding that Bowman trade Hjammarsson for Derek Roy and Kane for Steve Ott and a bag of pucks.
Terribad: Sometimes one adjective is not enough to express the feelings towards a particular play, game, player or team. Also horrawful. Can be used in conjunction with the nouns shitshow and tire fire.
That Which Shall Not be Named, The Chalice, The Big Shiny Thing: The 35 lb drinking vessel of noble patronage, typically hoisted by a victorious group of hockey players at the culmination of a successful playoff run. Replaced by the Presidents' Trophy in Vancouver.
Thread Fail: Commenting in the wrong thread during a game and wondering why no one is there until stacie7 or ahnfire come and rescue you from eternal loneliness.
Toewsface: The odd facial contortions Toews makes during games. A necessary display of grotesqueness to offset the sheer brilliance and beauty of whatever Best Captain is about to unleash.
ToS: Triumvirate of Stupid, the name for the the supergroup comprised of Fels, McClure, and Killion. Former writers at SCH, now have their own blog at thecommittedindian.com.
Tradesman's Entrance: The powerplay's clichéd, predictable, and mostly unsuccessful backdoor play. "not only a snobby British term for backdoor but also a slang term for the bum.. which is appropriate in the circumstances…" -- mightymikeD
Troll: Common internet designation for annoying fuckers. However, it is important to define. Common traits of a troll are a) new account, b) few (or zero) posts at home blog, c) completely ridiculous posts insulting players/team using ad hominem attacks, d) shows up when Blackhawks lose, e) touts their (more than likely grossly exaggerated) personal physical traits and challenges commenters to fights. Someone is not a troll because they disagree. They are a troll because their only purpose is to stir shit up for the purposes of enraging rival fans.
TWTW: The Will To Win. Meatballs blame every loss on a lack of this. (see also Ledge, The)
Walkom: An egregiously bad refereeing call. Named for Stephen Walkom's disallowing of Hjalmarsson's GWG in Game 7 against Detroit (luckily Seabrook was there to win it for the second time). Also perpetrated by Tim Peel.
Waylon: A reply fail, named after Waylon for his common reply failings. Acknowledge it first and we won't make fun of you.
Inverse Waylon: Calling a reply fail when there is no reply fail. A specialty of Waylon's.
Natural Waylon: A Waylon to a Waylon. Or, a reply fail when trying to acknowledge a reply fail.
Z'd: Similar to "a". Means "this comment looks incredibly stupid, so I'm just going to skip it". Derived from the Z button's function.
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