The Corsi Hockey League All-Star Selections

Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

The Corsi Hockey League Announces Its First Annual All-Star Selections

The Corsi Hockey League has asked me to select two players from each team in the NHL upon which to bestow their All-Star Honors. Alas, the Corsi Hockey League has not been able to get an All-Star Game organized, because they are too busy looking at their spreadsheets. Luckily for me, that means I did not have to worry about each position so much and could instead focus on finding the players on each team who were able to possess the puck against all odds.

In undertaking this important task, I looked at not only CF% but also several other factors that relate to the ability of a player to possess the puck. Here are the metrics I took into account: CF% (Corsi For %) at 5v5 and Score Close; CF% Rel (Relative to teammates) at 5v5 and Score Close, ZS% (Zone Start % - Defensive Zone Starts vs Offensive Zone Starts), ZS% Rel (Relative to teammates); and QoC (Quality of Competition). Additionally, I only selected players who had appeared in at least 41 games for the team during the regular season. You will notice that some players were traded during the season, but may be included for the team they played over 41 games for regardless of where they ended the season.

Obviously, I looked for positive (at or above 50%) Corsi players, although this was not possible for SOME teams. I also placed significant importance on players with tougher zone starts and those playing against a higher Quality of Competition than others. I tried to avoid using players who were linemates. As a result, there may be players on the team of a player selected with better metrics, but because that player was on the same line as one selected, they were left off the list. Equal opportunity is important my friends. If it is really bothersome, just pretend the selected player's linemates were on the list too if that will make you feel better.

So, without further ado, I present to you the Corsi Hockey League First Annual All-Star selections for the 2013-14 Regular Season.

*players are listed in alphabetical order for each team*

ANAHEIM DUCKS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

RYAN GETZLAF

51.1

1.3

50.6

0.7

48.8

-2.6

30.0

CAM FOWLER

49.2

-1.2

48.8

-1.8

49.5

-1.8

29.4

CHL AWARDS: For their tireless work against some of the toughest competition in the league including their own fans, Getzlaf received a beautiful new wig that fits under his helmet and yard fogger with a special "Corey Perry Repellent" additive so his kids can safely play outside; Fowler received a participant medal donated by the USA Olympic Team and a gift certificate to Ducks Unlimited.

BOSTON BRUINS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

PATRICE BERGERON

61.2

9.7

61.5

8.6

45.7

-12.5

29.5

ZDENO CHARA

55.2

1.8

56.3

1.3

48.3

-9.1

29.9

CHL AWARDS: For his ridiculous possession numbers despite heavy zone starts, tough competition and oppressive Boston media, Bergeron received an entire NHL Awards program dedicated to him. For his efforts to scare the competition into submission, Chara received an invite to yet another Slovakian Stanley Cup celebration party and season passes for his family to 3 local amusement parks.

BUFFALO SABRES:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

CHRISTIAN EHRHOFF

46.0

4.8

43.6

4.4

44.5

0.0

28.7

ZEMGUS GIRGENSONS

44.7

2.0

43.5

2.5

47.1

4.6

28.5

CHL AWARDS: For being the "not the worst" possession players on a terrible hockey team, Ehrhoff has been given a contract by a good hockey team with the hope of being vastly overpaid the following season by the Capitals; Girgensons has received a real name, instead of the made up one he used this season, which the people of Buffalo will finally be pleased with, Patrick Kane.

CALGARY FLAMES:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

MIKAEL BACKLUND

51.7

7.3

53.4

10.3

46.2

-3.0

29.3

MARK GIORDANO

53.3

10.3

53.3

10.7

43.1

-8.7

29.6

CHL AWARDS: For their service against the toughest competition and often out of the flooded defensive zone at their home rink while maintaining respectable possession numbers, Backlund has been given the false hope of making his country's Olympic team; Giordano has been given new cowboy boots with silver spurs to wear to the Stampede.

CAROLINA HURRICANES:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

ALEXANDER SEMIN

55.2

6.4

54.3

7.0

59.5

11.2

29.6

JORDAN STAAL

54.0

5.2

53.3

5.8

49.9

-3.0

29.2

CHL AWARDS: For their work in leading their team in excitement and fun, Semin has been given "enigma" status based purely upon his nationality with appropriate gifts donated by Mike Milbury and Don Cherry; Staal has been given a family discount at the local putt putt course in Raleigh.

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

MARCUS KRUGER

51.4

-5.2

51.7

-5.0

21.1

-46.1

28.4

JONATHAN TOEWS

59.3

5.5

57.6

2.8

63.6

11.4

30.3

CHL AWARDS: For their work in crushing the dreams of their opponents and the hope of teams other than the L.A. Kings in making the Western Conference Finals, Kruger has received a new Adamantium skeletal system and a pre-made tombstone with the words "Took A Hit To Make A Play" etched on it; Toews has been given free services by a local dentist so he'll be more confident in using that 10.5 Million Dollar smile more than once a year.

COLORADO AVALANCHE:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

MATT DUCHENE

49.3

3.5

51.0

5.5

48.8

-3.1

29.3

PAUL STASTNY

50.2

4.2

48.2

0.6

45.5

-5.9

29.6

CHL AWARDS: For suffering under the oppressive system of the Avalanche and somehow not being completely disheartened by it, Duchene has received a new puppy that Roy will require him to sacrifice for a playoff berth next season; Stastny has been moved, all expenses paid, to a brand new dumpster home in scenic St. Louis.

COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

BRANDON DUBINSKY

52.2

2.6

53.7

3.7

47.1

-2.1

28.9

RYAN JOHANSEN

50.5

0.9

52.8

2.7

46.4

-3.1

29.3

CHL AWARDS: For their work in making up for all of the players management sent to the LA Kings, Dubinsky was given an "I Shutdown Crosby In The Playoffs" hat as well as the honorary title of "Best American" on the team; Johansen was given a hard line during contract negotiations and an arbitration hearing date as well as Fabulous Thunderbirds box set.

DALLAS STARS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

JAMIE BENN

51.9

1.8

53.4

2.5

55.5

5.7

30.0

TREVOR DALEY

50.9

0.6

50.8

-0.8

49.1

-3.2

29.3

CHL AWARDS: For their work against tough competition and even tougher to skate on ice, Benn has received a lifetime supply of Pomade and free tutoring sessions on hair care with Cal Clutterbuck; Daley has received the gift of relative anonymity even amongst his teammates and a new cowboy hat.

DETROIT RED WINGS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

NIKLAS KRONWALL

51.9

0.9

50.5

-0.9

51.5

-3.8

29.6

HENRIK ZETTERBERG

53.3

3.7

52.7

3.0

50.2

-2.6

30.3

CHL AWARDS: For their work on the ice and in the impoverished city through which they reluctantly drive their luxury vehicles, Kronwall has been voted the supreme leader of the "You Got Kronwalled" fan club and a year's supply of Icy Hot; Zetterberg has received the love and adoration of men and women alike throughout North America and Scandinavia as well as new beard trimming kit and a gift certificate for Kohls so he can get some new sweater vests.

EDMONTON OILERS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

JORDAN EBERLE

46.3

2.9

45.6

3.2

55.8

14.7

29.4

ALES HEMSKY

47.4

3.1

47.0

3.7

45.3

-0.5

28.9

CHL AWARDS: For being the not worst players on a 10 year rebuild team, Eberle has been given a season pass to the famed Edmonton amusement park "Purgatory" and tickets to Amon Amarth courtesy of Ben Scrivens; Hemsky received airfare to Ottawa and subsequently Dallas where he was also given a lifetime supply of sunblock.

FLORIDA PANTHERS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

SEAN BERGENHEIM

55.1

3.0

53.8

2.7

50.1

-1.0

28.8

MARCEL GOC

52.8

1.8

52.3

2.5

42.5

-9.5

28.9

CHL AWARDS: For their terrific work during the regular season in the tropics, Bergenheim has received an autographed "Me & Teemu" picture frame as well as a year's supply of the hair dye fellow Fin Valtteri Filppula uses; Goc has been given the gift of going to play with noted "coach killer" and pretty good hockey player, Sidney Crosby.

LOS ANGELES KINGS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

ANZE KOPITAR

61.0

6.0

62.6

7.9

52.1

-3.7

29.8

JAKE MUZZIN

61.1

6.3

62.4

7.2

58.1

6.0

28.8

CHL AWARDS: For their dominant efforts throughout the regular season, both Kings players were awarded 24 hours with the Stanley Cup. In addition, Kopitar's name was submitted to the "Is He Better Than Sidney Crosby" lottery and Muzzin was given a button with "Doughty Stole All Of My Thunder" written on it.

MINNESOTA WILD:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

MIKKO KOIVU

56.1

8.8

54.3

6.8

60.1

15.4

29.6

JARED SPURGEON

52.2

3.1

51.8

3.2

51.9

2.6

28.8

CHL AWARDS: As a reward for playing some of the most boring low event hockey in the Corsi Hockey League, Koivu was nominated to the "Most Likeable Guy" club by Twitter personality Anthrax Jones (@AnthraxJones) and a free paternity testing kit; Spurgeon was given shoe lifts (they work in skates too) and a ticket aboard a beautiful boat to go fishing for... lake perch.

MONTREAL CANADIENS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

BRENDAN GALLAGHER

52.0

7.7

51.8

6.9

49.9

7.0

28.9

P.K. SUBBAN

49.9

5.1

50.0

4.6

47.4

3.8

28.8

CHL AWARDS: For their work during the regular season, Gallagher was awarded the "Most Annoying Player" trophy and given a golden sombrero courtesy of the Habs fans who sing "Ole Ole Ole" (which typically leads to a goal for their opponents immediately after the song is done); Subban got the "Celly Hard" award, got to give Pierre McGuire a smooch on the check during the playoffs and finally had his work rewarded with the promise of an arbitration hearing.

NASHVILLE PREDATORS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

PATRIC HORNQVIST

51.1

3.4

51.2

2.0

52.1

5.9

29.6

CRAIG SMITH

50.4

2.8

51.7

3.2

52.0

5.6

29.0

CHL AWARDS: For their work trying to make their team spicier than the music scene in Nashville, Hornqvist received a "Brand New Contract!" with a different team that promises to let him shoot more; Smith received backstage passes to see Mike Fisher's favorite lady of country music, Reba McEntire.

NEW JERSEY DEVILS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

ANDY GREENE

56.3

3.0

56.5

3.0

47.2

-10.0

29.0

JAROMIR JAGR

59.2

7.1

59.4

7.0

58.5

8.1

29.5

CHL AWARDS: For their tireless efforts in the name of low event hockey, Greene was awarded a spot at the table during the Devils' charity event "Goalie Gamble"; Jagr was allowed to visit his favorite vacation spot "The Fountain of Youth" (exact location undisclosed) and a new mullet wig for when he's "feeling his oats".

NEW YORK ISLANDERS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

MICHAEL GRABNER

50.8

2.2

50.2

1.6

44.4

-7.7

28.8

FRANS NIELSEN

50.7

1.5

51.1

2.0

46.2

-6.1

29.2

CHL AWARDS: For slogging out yet another season on Strong Island, Grabner was promised the "nicest apartment" in Brooklyn (upon hearing which he said "At least it's not Manitoba"); Nielsen was given assurances that the "Danish Backhand of Judgment" will not be banned by the NHL and was also awarded the "Die Hard" box set on Blu-Ray.

NEW YORK RANGERS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

DEREK STEPAN

53.1

1.1

53.5

0.5

51.3

-1.4

29.5

ANTON STRALMAN

56.5

6.0

58.4

7.8

50.7

-2.3

28.7

CHL AWARDS: For their work under evil Bond villain and hockey coach, Alain Vigneault this season, Stepan and Stralman were rewarded with watching the Kings celebrate winning the Stanley Cup. Stepan was also given a participant medal courtesy of the USA Olympic Team. Stralman is rumored to have received a brand new money covered bed courtesy of Big Corsi; however, when asked for comment, Big Corsi's spokesperson was able to neither confirm nor deny the allegations.

OTTAWA SENATORS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

CLARKE MACARTHUR

54.1

2.3

53.8

2.1

49.2

-2.3

29.2

KYLE TURRIS

52.8

0.6

52.3

0.1

47.3

-4.9

29.2

CHL AWARDS: For surviving a season of the mass chaos known as Senators hockey, MacArthur, who is still making less than he's worth thanks to the Toronto Maple Leafs, has been given a gold plated "fancy stats" spreadsheet to use during his contract negotiations; Turris has been given a Jack Johnson Greatest Hits CD. At the time of this writing, Turris had not yet accepted his CD and is said to be holding out for a better award.

PHILADELPHIA FLYERS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

BRAYDEN COBURN

51.1

1.8

50.9

2.7

48.6

-4.3

29.5

MATT READ

49.9

-0.4

50.5

1.2

42.8

-11.3

29.4

CHL AWARDS: For their tireless efforts in trying to bring notoriety to at least one sports team in Pennsylvania (apparently there's more than one hockey team there, who knew?), Coburn has been awarded a medallion with mystical properties said to ward off even the most violent of Hexes; Read has been awarded a lovely wig with long ringlet curls with the hopes that he can fool the coaching staff into allowing him to occasionally get some primo offensive zone starts. Both also received a bonus one year contract for the on ice enforcement services of one "Sugar" Ray Emery.

PHOENIX COYOTES:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

ZBYNEK MICHALEK

49.1

0.1

50.0

0.3

45.6

-6.7

29.7

RADIM VRBATA

51.3

0.8

50.6

0.6

52.5

1.4

29.2

CHL AWARDS: For their work against tough competition while skating through sand dunes this season, Michalek has been given a t-shirt that reads "I'm With Milan" as well as new shin guards made of Vibranium; Vrbata has been given an all expenses paid respite at a renown sleep therapy center due to his recurrent nightmares featuring the howling of undomesticated canines as well as new contract in Vancouver.

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

SIDNEY CROSBY

53.0

6.9

54.2

7.1

50.4

1.9

30.0

MATT NISKANEN

53.4

7.3

54.6

7.4

49.2

0.0

28.4

CHL AWARDS: For their efforts to have a good enough yet unsatisfying season thus resulting in the ritual sacrifice of their coach and GM, Crosby was given a new custom made dart board featuring the names and pictures of all of the players written about this season as potentially being "better" than him; Niskanen was given 40.25 million dollars to continue putting up with Brooks Orpik for the next few years in a city that apparently did not already have quite enough statues.

SAN JOSE SHARKS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

JOE THORNTON

58.3

6.8

59.0

7.6

46.9

-3.7

29.7

MARC-EDOUARD VLASIC

58.2

7.1

57.4

5.4

48.7

-1.2

29.1

CHL AWARDS: For their excellent performances during the season and their work in finally driving Doug Wilson completely over the edge into the depths of insanity, Thornton was rewarded with trade rumors galore, a chicken farm and hockey pants that are sewn on by trainers prior to the game; Vlasic was rewarded with a Lordship over the people of some small Canadian town and a plaque which states "I take better pictures than Marleau".

ST. LOUIS BLUES:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

DAVID BACKES

55.5

2.7

56.8

4.3

47.0

-9.3

30.1

ALEX PIETRANGELO

54.9

2.9

53.9

1.1

52.3

-0.5

29.5

CHL AWARDS: For their tireless efforts to honor the rich history of Blues hockey, Backes was given 4,242 stray dogs, a certificate for free rabies treatment and hockey socks with extra cushion to protect him from future toe injuries; Pietrangelo was given the "Still Not As Good As Duncan Keith" award reserved for the pretty good defensemen in the league and a membership in the Bakers Square Pie of the Month Club.

TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

VALTTERI FILPPULA

52.4

1.6

53.6

3.1

51.6

-0.4

29.1

TYLER JOHNSON

51.0

0.1

51.5

0.1

50.9

-1.3

29.0

CHL AWARDS: For their work during the regular season in exciting all of the hockey fans in Florida, Filppula was given his own hairstylist for the upcoming season as well as a custom hockey sweater with his name phonetically spelled on the back; Johnson has received the "Pretty Good Rookie Not Named MacKinnon" trophy as well as a "Big Johnson" trucker hat.

TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

JAKE GARDINER

46.4

5.7

45.4

4.9

43.0

3.6

27.9

JAMES VAN RIEMSDYK

44.2

1.9

44.3

3.3

45.6

7.1

29.8

CHL AWARDS: For almost completing the monumental task of being positive possession players on a Randy Carlyle coached team, Gardiner has been given a summer full of trade rumors and his very own Polak; van Riemsdyk has received "I Stand With Phil" t-shirts featuring the finest of internet photoshops for each day of the week as well as a gift certificate for a session at Glamour Shots.

VANCOUVER CANUCKS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

CHRIS HIGGINS

50.7

-1.2

51.5

-0.7

42.7

-8.5

29.2

DANIEL SEDIN

56.9

8.0

57.0

6.9

60.0

17.9

29.6

CHL AWARDS: For their suffering under the oppressive shin guards of former coach John Tortarella, Higgins has been given the Ivy League "Thanks For Not Being A Face Puncher" award as well as the honor of being known as less tough than his father and brother; Sedin already has 2 of everything, but in the spirit of the awards, was taken out for ice cream by unnamed Corsi Hockey League officials. It is rumored that upon being offered a soft serve ice cream cone, Daniel screamed, "I'm not SOFT dammit!" and fled the scene on a tandem bicycle with his brother Henrik.

WASHINGTON CAPITALS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI

51.0

4.0

51.8

5.5

51.5

0.9

28.7

MIKE GREEN

51.7

4.6

52.4

6.5

54.8

5.4

28.5

CHL AWARDS: For their efforts in continuing to play hockey despite the intimidating eyebrows of former coach Adam Oates, Grabovski was given a steaming hot cup of vengeance and a new contract with the Islanders, which includes his very own Randy Carlyle dunk tank; Green was given hot takes and trade rumors as well as the keys to the city's finest tattoo parlor.

WINNIPEG JETS:

PLAYER

CF%

CF% REL

CF% CLOSE

CF% REL CLOSE

ZS%

ZS% REL

QoC

TOI%

TOBIAS ENSTROM

50.6

0.8

49.5

0.1

50.8

-0.6

29.2

BRYAN LITTLE

52.9

4.1

52.3

4.2

48.5

-3.9

29.9

CHL AWARDS: For their fine work in Canada's Lost City of Hockey, Enstrom was given a special seat on Dustin Byfuglien's boat as well as a personal bodyguard to escort him while he spends time in Sweden; Little was rewarded with an autographed picture of Dale Hawerchuk as well as a Twitter bio to be written by Blake Wheeler.

All of the stats used herein were collected from the Corsi Hockey League's preferred sponsor www.extraskater.com (which I'm pretty sure is a shell corporation for Big Corsi).

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