If you are new to Second City Hockey or to the Blackhawks fan base, you might find yourself bewildered by the multitude of unfamiliar words and phrases used. Never fear, we've put together this extremely detailed guide to help you out!
Alex DeBrincat #12: Brinksy, Kitty, The Cat and other feline related puns.
Artem Anisimov #15: Arty, Arty Party, Ani. Our long-awaited 2C. Friend of Annette Frontpresence.
Brandon Saad #20: Manchild, General, General Zod, Kneel Before Saad, KNEEL. Somehow drafted at 43rd overall. Draws comparisons to a young Hossa, or Toews, so he's all right.
Brent Seabrook #7: Seabs, Biscuit (a reference to Seabiscuit), The Captain Whisperer (after he stepped into the box to comfort Toews after his third crappy penalty in the process of losing to Detroit in Game 4 in the 2013 playoffs). Nacho Seabre (admitted weakness for nachos and pizza). Affectionately known as "(my) Seabsie boy" to his teammates. If he looks slow on the ice it's probably because he ate too many nachos. Gave his son Carter the middle name of "Seven,” but alleges it was his wife's idea.
Connor Murphy #5: Wears Rundblad’s number; we hope he won’t meet the same fate.
Corey Crawford #50: Crow, Watcher (the Watcher on the Wall from Game of Thrones), Crawful (generally used sarcastically), Crawsome. As this is Chicago, the victim of a perpetual goalie controversy despite performing as an elite NHL starter for the last four seasons. His glove hand/blocker/five-hole sucks and we'll never win anything with him in net. He's a fucking beauty (quote from his Cup parade speech where he was totally non-sober and dropped two f-bombs).
Duncan Keith #2: Duncs, Jigsaw (reference to character from Saw, because his teammates claim he's kind of psycho scary and methodical), Teeth, in reference to his heroism in the 2010 WCF, losing 7 teeth in Game 4 and only missing a few shifts, Bambi because of how fast he skates (he has crazy good conditioning and routinely has the highest TOI of the team). Inspired the phrase 'Chicago Runs on Duncan'.
Gustav Forsling #42: Frosting, via autocorrect. Swedish d-man. Even if he never comes to anything, it was worth watching Canucks fans getting annoyed over losing him in the meantime.
Jan Rutta #44: 27-year-old rookie signing from the Czech league.
John Hayden #40: Hayds, Hayder.
Jonathan Toews #19: Jonny, Tazer, Captain, Best Captain, Captain Marvel (he wears the C and he's the best/marvelous, obviously), Captain Serious (because he is one serious motherfucker, although glimpses of him off-guard on camera suggest his off-ice personality has a large component of goofy weirdo), Captain Lardass (from an angry Twitter comment), Captain Seriously [Adjective]. Draws comparisons to Grumpy Cat (Kaner's feline equivalent is Lil Bub) and to a hockeybot who does not understand human emotions, due to his hilariously incongruous facial expressions in any given situation (see also Toewsface)
Jordan Oesterle #82: Oyster. Yet another depth dman. Why do we have so many dmen?
Lance Bouma #17: Depth forward.
Marian Hossa #81: Hoss, Panda (originally sad panda, a name acquired during the playoffs while he playing for Detroit, shortened to Panda when he joined the Hawks), Gossamer (from autocorrect), HE IS MARIAN HOSSA AND YOU ARE NOT, because few can do what he does. Likes KitKats, as they are "good for you!"
He is a hockey demigod, a fact acknowledged by everyone including the official twitter. His name may be substituted for "God" in common phrases, eg "Oh my Hossa!" We miss him. A lot.
Michal Kempny #6: Lemony, via autocorrect. Third pair dman.
Michal Rozsival #32: Rozi, Rozsi. Elderly depth dman, looks like an elf. Will still be signing 1-year deals with the Hawks when Toews and Kane have retired.
Nick Schmaltz #8: KFC (Schmaltz means chicken fat), Biggy Schmaltz. Playmaking center drafted from UND (this worked out well last time they tried it), snatched from under the noses of the St Louis Blues when Stan traded up in the draft. Brother Jordan is a Blues prospect. Chicago Mission alum.
Patrick Kane #88: Kaner, Lazy, Showtime, wee blond ninja, Black Magic for what he does with the puck, from a quote by former SCHer gmh - "...but the devil lives inside this kid, I swear it. It rises out of him in a mist, this baby-faced defiant wrathful version of Pat Kane, escapes his bodily confines to perform satanic miracles all over the offensive zone. The only thing more fearsome than that assist was the keep-in preceding it. The only thing more unholy than his face is his black magic."
Patrick Sharp #10: Sharpie, Sharpy, Sharpshooter, Shooter, Patrick Sharp Is A Very Handsome Man, Handsome. Voted Chicago's Most Beautiful Athlete several years ago. He might have a picture in his attic as his career ageing trajectory is non-standard and he just gets better-looking.
Richard Panik #14: Visa (due to visa issues when joining the team), Panik at the UC!, or Disco for obvious reasons. His name is actually pronounced PAH-neek but hockey never lets a bad pun go to waste.
Ryan Hartman #38: Hartzy. Giving Seabrook a run for his money for "Best Hair" on the team. Another Illinois native/Chicago Mission kid.
Tommy Wingels #57: Wingoals after he scored some in the early part of the season. Known to Pat and Edzo as “Evanston Native Tommy Wingels”.
Vinnie Hinostroza #48: Cousin Vinnie. Bartlett native and ex-Chicago Mission kid.
Tanner Kero #67: Depth center.
Tomas Jurco #13: Part of Stan's secret plan to collect all the Slovaks in the NHL in case any of them grow up into Hossas.
Jordin Tootoo #22: Toots, Two two and other such puns. Depth forward, here for the grit.
Anthony Louis, Luke Johnson, Kyle Baun, David Kampf: IceHogs forwards
Viktor Svedberg (Big Revved Stork), Dillon Fournier, Ville Pokka, Robin Norell, Erik Gustafsson #52: (Goose, Gus), Carl Dahlstrom, Luc Snuggerud (Snuggy): IceHogs defencemen.
Other Blackhawks-associated people
Stan Bowman: Blackhawks GM. StanBo. He's OK, we guess.
Scotty Bowman: Stan's dad and adviser. Has 13 Stanley Cup rings. Winningest coach in NHL history. Might be a wizard.
Dale Tallon: Uncle Dale. Former Blackhawks GM, fired for allegedly forgetting to fax the paperwork that kept his 2009 pending RFAs as RFA. Now GM of the Florida Panthers aka Blackhawks South, and Stan's favorite trade partner.
Rocky Wirtz: Blackhawks owner.
John McDonough: Blackhawks president.
Bill Wirtz: Dollar Bill, $Bill. Father of Rocky, deceased former owner of the Blackhawks. Notoriously tight-fisted.
Joel Quenneville: Head coach. Q, Q-Stache. Favorite hobbies include using the random line generator and benching his current least-favorite forward. See Line Blender, Stalberg Line, and Doghouse, The.
Kevin Dineen: Assistant coach. Former Hartford Whaler along with Q.
Mike Kitchen: Kitch. Assistant coach.
Jimmy Waite, goalie coach and former Blackhawk Jimmy Waite. The job was previously held by his brother Stephane Waite, now in Montreal.
Yanic Perrault: Former Blackhawk, hired as developmental faceoff coach. His name is invoked on the occasions when no center not named Jonathan Toews can buy a FO win to save themselves (see Bolly Line).
Denis Savard: Savvy, Savoir Faire. Former Blackhawk (#18 in the rafters of the UC), was head coach until he was fired in 2008. Kane is sometimes compared to him in his playing style.
Edzo: Eddie Olczyk. Blackhawks color commentator. His persona depends on which network he is on at the time, with catchphrases and homerism more prominent when not on national broadcasts. Catch phrases include "Stop it right here!", "stick on stick, stick on puck,” "for all young young hockey players out there,” "Tree tirty tree left in the tird," (adopted by Pat Foley), "There's a happy human"(referring to a child on camera enjoying the UC concessions. He and Foley have a slightly disturbing enthusiam for the soft serve ice cream), "RIGHT NOW!", "forwards have the D, D have the forwards,” etc. (see Edzo Bingo below).
Pat Foley: Blackhawks play-by-play guy and Chicago institution. Common belief around SCH is he has frequently partaken of the offerings of Binny's Beverages before the games. However, we love him like that weird uncle and learn to appreciate him when there is a national broadcast and some Eastern Conference commentator is slaughtering the Swedes' names and failing to distinguish between Sharp, Shaw, Saad and Smith (see Andrews, The).
Blackhawks beat reporters include Mark Lazerus (Laz) of the Sun-Times, Tracey Myers (CSN), Chris Kuc (Tribune), Chris Hine (Tribune), Scott Powers (The Athletic), John Dietz (Daily Herald), and Joey the Junior Reporter.
Daydream Nation: Abbreviated as DDN. The combination of Toews and Kane on the ice. Combined they are 1988, the year the Sonic Youth album of the same name was released, and their birth years.
Magic Panda: Kane and Hossa (now only seen on the PP as the "Kane at center" experiment has died an unmourned death).
Arty Party: Panarin/Anisimov/Kane. Also Bread and Circuses.
Human Shields, The: Checking/dzone-start line centered by Kruger.
Marlboro 72: The bromantic and professional combination of Seabrook and Keith, a reference to the Marlboro cigarettes of the same name
Jelly Biscuit: Hjalmarsson and Seabrook
Jelly Soup: Hjalmarsson and Campbell
The Swedes: Hjalmarsson and Oduya
Nacho Soup: Seabrook and Campbell
GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
Andrew Ladd: Laddy. Now a NY Islander after a stint as captain of Blackhawks North (the Winnipeg Jets) and a brief return to Chicago.
Andrew Shaw: Mutt, Little Mutt, Hockey Monkey, Chicken Hawk (he weighs as much as one), Shinpads (he owns the luckiest pair of shinpads in the league. I think they score more than he does, including the GWG in the triple-OT SCF Game 1 against Boston in 2013, inspiring his celebratory cry of, "I love you, Bolly! I love shinpads!"). His arrival and subsequent scoring streak inspired #Shawfacts, a twitter phenomenon akin to Chuck Norris Facts. Is one of the top hitters on the team despite being 5'10 and 180lb soaking wet. Moonlighted as a 2C despite being a natural winger. Now a Montreal Canadien.
Antti Niemi: Nemo. Goalie lost in the Capocalypse. Now a Dallas Star.
Antti Raanta: Antti2 (Antti Neimi is the original Antti), Raantasaurus, Raanta Claus. Finnish backup goalie. Has a notably cheerful and enthusiastic personality. Now a New York Ranger.
Antoine Vermette: Vermy. Might be a 2C. Now an Anaheim Duck.
Artemi Panarin : Pan, Bread Man, Panera Bread, Snake. No one is quite sure how to spell his first name. Undrafted, caused much salt among fans of other teams when he won the Calder Trophy for best NHL rookie at the age of 24.
Ben Smith: BEN SMITH!!! (for his Game 6 OT GWG goal, as called by John Wiedeman), Benny, Optimus Grind, Agent Smith, He's stout and built like a fire hydrant. girlphoenix's future husband (or maybe current husband?). Now a Toronto Maple Leaf.
Brad Richards: Brich, Richie. Also might be a 2C. Retired.
Brandon Bollig: Boller (Bolly being already taken), B-52 (after the plane), Goallig (after he briefly led the Western Conference in scoring after getting his first career regular season goal in the opener). Traded to the Calgary Flames for a 2014 third-rounder because Brian Burke likes truculence and Stan Bowman is a stone cold trader.
Brandon Pirri: Porridge (via autocorrect). Now a NY Ranger.
Brian Campbell: Soupy (like Campbell's soup, generic nickname for anyone with this last name), Soup Dogg, Ginger (the hair), 51 Phantom.
Bryan Bickell: Pickles, Travis (Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver), Brain, BRAAAINS (NBC captioned him as Brain Bickell once), Bicks, Bucks (typo for Bicks/reference to his contract). Mistakenly called "Byron" by Doc Emrick, leading to the nickname Lord Byron.
Cam Barker: "Nick Leddy and a dead guy,” as that's what Stan Bowman traded him for, in a steal from the Minnesota Wild. A third-overall draft bust (see also Jack Skille and Kyle Beach.)
Cristobal Huet: Huey, Frenchie, The Man From France. Very well-paid but crap goalie. Had his cap hit buried in Europe when that was still a thing you could do, then disappeared to zero regrets.
Dave Bolland: Bolly, Rat (he's a pest to play against). Known and hated amongst the Sedins and Vancouver's fanbase. Now signed by Uncle Dale to the Florida Panthers for a ridiculous amount of money, then nominally traded to Arizona.
David Rundblad: Sparkles, Sparky (because of this). Squiggy, for some random reason (blame/credit to Z-man24). Puck-moving young dman. Loaned to Switzerland, loaned to Rockford, and finally unconditionally waived.
Jack Skille: Former 7th-overall draft pick/bust (see also Cam Barker) and frequent rider of the Rockford Shuttle. Never got the hang of putting the puck in the net instead of putting himself in there. Now a Vancouver Canuck.
Jamal Mayers: Jammer. Not to be confused with Hjammer or Hammer. Retired, now a commentator on CSN.
Jamie Kompon: Former assistant coach. Referred to with an expletive when the PP fails to score again, as he was the one who coached it. See Clownshoes.
Jeremy Morin: JMo, Mo. Old hand on the Icehogs and frequent passenger of the Rockford Shuttle. Q may or may not hate him. After being traded away and back again, Stan managed to turn him into Richard Panik.
John Scott: Murdersaurus. Known as "Fluffy" until he actually uses his size to his advantage. Scoot, due to a quite appropriate typo by justforkicks given his skating style. Once played on the powerplay in a playoff game...remember that? Stan Bowman somehow conned the Rangers into giving up a 5th-rounder to take him away. Was a 2015 NHL All-Star due to an online poll, and it turned out awesome.
Johnny Oduya: Odie, Oh do ya? eg, "I think his last name has a lot of pun-potential." "Oh, do ya?" Jeremy Roenick is jealous now because Oduya's wearing his old number, but Roenick thinks it should be retired.
Kevin Hayes: Kayes, Captain Stairwell. NY Rangers forward, formerly of BC, where he was once suspended from the team for pooping in a stairwell. Younger brother of the departed Jimmy Hayes.
Kim Johnsson: The Dead Guy (see Cam Barker). Probably not actually dead, just retired.
Kris Versteeg: Verbeauty, Steeg, Steeger, VERSTEEG!!!, number of exclamation points depends on his playing level. DAMMIT VERSTEEG!! when he misses an open net or turns over the puck due to excessive cuteness. The once and future Blackhawk. Only member of the team who may be smaller than Kane. Known for his rapping. Now a
Carolina Hurricane LA King Calgary Flame.
Kyle Beach: More of a project than a prospect. Couldn't make the big team because he's a dumbass who thinks his aim is to be a goon instead of a power forward. Given a last-chance contract and then traded to the Rangers in 2013. Now in Europe.
Marcus Kruger: Krugs, Frogger (because he likes to play in traffic, gets crunched a lot, yet has many lives), Freddy (his team nickname, from Nightmare on Elm Street), The Plan All Along (according to Stan Bowman, his call-up from Europe in late 2011 was "all part of the plan"). "Kruger is mashed, gets away with the puck" - commentary from Foley, and the story of his life. As Tracey Myers once put it, his tombstone will read, "Kruger took a hit to make a play.”
Marty Turco: sometimes called "sparkle motion" due to his old pads. The ultimate bench troll for his in-game antics. Trolling instances include the Pierre McGuire eye roll, the Roman Polak door-opener, and the Habs' fan wager. Retired.
Michael Frolik: Fro, Taters (Frolik > Leeks > Potatoes > Taters), Frolik Navidad (after his song in the Blackhawks Holiday Album). Ashton Kucher lookalike. Awesome penalty killer and defensive forward. Subject of this great gif. Now a Calgary Flame.
Michael Leighton: Journeyman goalie, a former Blackhawks draft pick, whose greatest contribution to the organization was this.
Michal Handzus: Zus, Zeus, Sad Dad (he has a kid and a perpetually mournful expression), Old man turtle (he's pretty slow). A trade deadline depth pickup who somehow managed to win the Stanley Cup as the 2C at the age of 36.
Nick Leddy: Led Dawg, Ledpipe, Mumbles. His mouth is always open in any picture of him. Home-town Minnesota Wild prospect who for some reason they gave up in exchange for Cam Barker. Now a NY Islander.
Niklas Hjalmarsson (Yal-mar-son): Hjammer, Hammer, Meatball (because he was the original Swede Hawk), Jelly (his AHL nickname), Super Nintendo Chalmers (Simpsons reference), Jarbles (the LA announcers clearly mislaid the Swedish names cheatsheet in the WCF and called him Jarbleson), Swedish Viking (description by Jonny Oduya). His leg bones have been upgraded to titanium, judging by the number of shots he blocks.
Nikolai Khabibulin: Khabi, Bulin Wall, Khabibulous, Harvey Birdman. Former Blackhawks starter from the bad old days, inexplicably re-hired as a backup despite being 40 and not very good any more. Busted his groin/legs/rotator cuff/spleen/liver shortly into the 2013-4 season and joined The Dead Guy on permanent LTIR (see Kim Johnsson).
Ray Emery: Razor, Sugar Ray. Former backup goalie. Carried on the transition of feisty backups, as he's kind of crazy even for a goalie. Career highlights as a Blackhawk include stealing a game in Calgary to keep The Streak alive, and chirping Barret Jackman from the bench.
Scott Darling:: Oh My, Clem - from the song "Oh my darling Clementine.” A native of Lemont (or maybe Aurora according to one confused commentator), is very tall.
Teuvo Teravainen (TAY-vo TER-a-vy-nen): Tiny (he's 5'11 and 170lb), Teukka (his Finnish nickname), Dragon or Dragon Boy (because his surname reminded people of Daenerys Targaryen from Game of Thrones), Finnish Cold (description by Hossa because of his cool head with the puck as a rookie). Now a Carolina Hurricane.
Trevor van Riemsdyk: TVR, Smiley van Smiley due to his happy demeanor in interviews. Brother of James/JVR.
Viktor Stalberg: Stals, Lemonhead, a reference to his infamous PS attempt where he hit all three posts but didn't score. In the course of his Blackhawks career, went from DDN's LW to a playoff healthy scratch in favor of Brandon Bollig due to his frequent residence in Q's doghouse. The 5th line at practice is now know as the Stalberg line in his memory. Now an Ottawa Senator.
AROUND THE LEAGUE
St Louis Blues: Blows, Scum Jr, River Scum. In their dreams are the Hawks' main rivals but are not true Scum, hence Scum Jr. Toews has compared playing the Blues to a repeat visit to the dentist. Games tend to get chippy and physical. Usually there will be one dumbass staged fight per game.
Vancouver Canucks: Nucks, Cannots, Sea Scum. Had a rivalry with the Hawks before their Cup window slammed closed to the sounds of rioting in Vancouver. Members/former members of the Canucks include Passy (H. Sedin), Shooty (D. Sedin), Bitey (Burrows), Mopey (Luongo), Divey (Kesler), Whiney (Bieksa) and Dirty (Kassian or other Nuck of choice).
Detroit Red Wings: Scum, Dead Things. Their appearance is traditionally greeted by chants of "Detroit Sucks" (or as Laz put it, "The Motor City Is Rather Unpleasant"). Most Blackhawks fans when pressed will admit to a grudging respect for Detroit as they were the hockey team to emulate when the Hawks sucked, and there is a certain sibling resemblance and corresponding rivalry. Their fanbase is a bunch of octopus-flingers (not a metaphor).
Colorado Avalanche: Avs, Elbowlanche, Mountain Scum, Foot Clan (from their shoulder patches). Earned the dislike of SCH after injuring Sharpy and Hossa in consecutive games.
Vegas Golden Knights: Goatsuckers (bird found in the Nevada desert). The expansion team was taking its time announcing a name, so SCH gave it one. Already disliked due to the prospect of losing a player to its expansion draft.
Chicago Wolves: AHL team located in Rosemont, thus known as Rosemont Scum. Former rival of the Blackhaws (in fanbase), perpetual rival of the Icehogs (in the standings and with fists). Formerly the bbNucks, currently the bbBlues.
Milwaukee Admirals: Laughing Skulls, AHL team and rivals of the Icehogs.
Gags: Sam Gagner. When an Oiler, once scored 8 points in one night against the Blackhawks. I don't want to talk about it.
Ovie, Ovi: Ovechkin.
Pavelsteeg: Joe Pavelski, because he looks oddly similar to Kris Versteeg.
Sidney Crosby: The Next One, at one point the subject of many tedious debates as to whether he or Toews was better. Pierre McGuire's obsession with him verges on the creepy.
MEMES, ABBREVIATIONS AND OTHER MISCELLANEOUS JARGON
2C: Abbreviation for second-line center. For some years the Blackhawks didn't have one since Sharpy permanently took up residence on the left wing, relying on their elite wingers and a series of stopgaps in the middle. Over the last few years they have tried, inter alia, Patrick Sharp, Patrick Kane, Marcus Kruger, Dave Bolland, Michael Frolik, Michal Handzus, Brandon Pirri, Brandon Saad, Ben Smith, Brad Richards, Antoine Vermette, Teuvo Teravainen and Andrew Shaw. The slot has finally been filled with the arrival of Artem Anisimov.
'a': A response used when you want to argue a point, but realize the futility in arguing. Replying with the name of a vegetable means the same thing.
The Andrews: During the 2013 playoff run, announcers persistently referred to players as "Andrew Saad" or "Andrew Sharp," so during the Stanley Cup Parade SCH renamed everyone Andrew (translation into player’s native language optional). Bowman is an honorary Andrew as long as he doesn’t sign too many expensive old dudes, known as Standrew Bowmandrew.
Annette (Frontpresence): Creative spelling/personification of "a net-front presence.”
Baby goal: Many of the Blackhawks (and other players around the league) have scored goals in their first game after the birth of their children. Sharpy is particularly known for this.
Backesian: A derogatory term for a player inspired by David Backes. The accepted response to calling a player "Backesian" is, "I don’t know you Backesian, so fuck off." (From jfk's response when aeroplane dubbed a play "Backesian" and she thought he was referring to an unknown player.)
Badgerdano: When someone takes a comment at face value for humorous purposes. Example: comment — "rec this comment,” reply — "ok, but I don't see what's so great about your comment.” Named for/started by Bagerdano, a commenter who sadly passed away. RIP.
Bandwagon fans: Derogatory term for new or fair-weather fans, often flung at the Chicago fanbase. This ignores how Bill Wirtz essentially lost a generation who probably would have been fans otherwise. Hey, it's a great bandwagon - the hockey's fun, the music's great and it travels well - so jump on board, the more the merrier!
Ban-Hammer: The SBN weapon of choice against trolls.
#bigBoyHockey: A term coined to explain the Canucks' first-round sweep in 2013. The tale is that the Nucks were conned into building a small, skilled, finesse team by the consecutive Cup wins of the Wings and Pens, and then victimized (see Vancouver Canucks) by the "league style" changing to big physical teams like the 2010 Hawks (see Dustin Byfuglien), Big Bad Bruins and LA Kings. Meanwhile, those small fast finesse 2013 Hawks could never get past the Kings or the Bruins. It proved to be not that simple: the skilled, less-physical Red Wings gave the Hawks the biggest beating, the Big Bad Bruins are only slightly heavier on average than the Hawks (yes, they counted Chara), and after the Hawks won the media noticed that grit also comes in small packages (see Andrew Shaw).
Bogarting all the hits: Hitting everything in sight. Also applicable to goals, assists, shots, wins, and alcohol.
Bolly Line: 36 percent at the faceoff dot, after Bolland's jersey number. An unfortunately common occurrence with the Hawks, especially prior to the hiring of Yanic Perrault.
Capocalypse: Through a combination of Toews, Kane and Keith getting new contracts, bonuses on rookie contracts, and Tallon forgetting to fax qualifying offers for his 2009 RFAs so he had to bribe them to stay in Chicago, the Blackhawks were something like $4M over the salary cap in summer 2010 and had to trade away half the team. Since Toews and Kane's 2015 extensions, now a permanent state of being.
Chelsea Dagger: "The Dagger.” The Hawks' goal song. Strikes opposing players with terrible memories. (Exhibit A).
Clownshoes, Klowns: The often lamented Blackhawks power play, also known as beer reload time, because you won't miss much. The Blackhawks are not allowed to have have two functional special teams. When the PP shows flashes of competence, the PK sucks. When the PK is great, the PP sinks to new lows. Dubbed Power Clowns on the rare occasions when it's scoring.
DLR: David Lee Roth, "Everybody Wants Some,” reserved for when the Hawks beat another team by a 5-goal differential. Do not invoke before the event lest you attract the wrath of the hockey gods.
Doghouse, The: For reasons known only to Q, certain players will end up spending games stapled to the bench, or watching from the press box. Failing to play well defensively can do it, or Q just not liking their faces. Troy Brouwer and Viktor Stalberg were frequent residents. Also Chateau Bow-wow.
Duck you autocorrect: As SBN is now mostly usable on mobile devices, during the haste of a GDT you may see commenters failing to fix the mess a touch keyboard makes of names it doesn't recognize. Common varieties are Gossamer=Hossa, Janet=Kaner, Trigger=Frogger, Salad = Saad.
Edzo Bingo: http://www.edzobingo.com works as a drinking game, have a case of beer on standby. Foley/Edzo Drinking Game: "Active Sticks," "Young Hockey Players," "Crash the Net," etc earn you drinks. Again, have a case of beer at the foot of the couch, you won't have time to get up and go to the fridge.
Fancystats: Shot-based/possession-proxy stats like Corsi and Fenwick (as opposed to production stats; goals, assists, plus-minus). Known as "advanced stats" although they aren't actually hard to understand as long as you understand what a percentage is. Down Goes Brown has an introduction in his usual fine form.
Fruit and crap: What the trainers give the team to keep them going during multiple overtimes, as described by Seabrook to the media.
Full Bollig: A comment thread that is very long, to the point of becoming creaky on mobile/older devices. Named after the reaction thread to Bollig's 3-year deal, which garnered 857 comments.
FUUUUUUCK: Common expression of displeasure seen in game day threads in response to current events. Also NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, POOOOOOOOP. Swearing is permitted on SCH as long as it's not part of a personal attack.
GDT: Game Day Thread. Consists of individual First, Second, and Third Period threads for the purposes of commenting during games. Companion threads are the preview and recap threads.
Gordie Howe Hat Trick: Goal, assist, and a fight in the same game for one player.
Hockey Gods: The outcome of a given hockey game or playoff series is very much influenced by puck luck/randomness, personified as the hockey gods. They must be appeased by rituals and not provoked by arrogance or disrespect, in case they become angry and send your team to the bottom of the standings. Notably, a shutout or DLR must not be invoked before it is achieved. The last time DLR was called with a 4-goal differential, the Hawks went on a nine-game losing streak and Toews got concussed.
The hockey gods may or may not be cats, or thanks to duck you autocorrect, cAts.
Holiday Road: Twitter phenomenon and persistent earworm which started with Hockeenight and spread to the beat writers (see Laz) and the music guy at the United Center to become the unofficial anthem of the 2013 Cup run.
I-90 Shuffle, Rockford Shuffle, Rockford Shuttle, I-pass: Named after Interstate-90 which runs between Rockford and Chicago (and beyond), this references the constant shuffling of players between the NHL and AHL for the Blackhawks, either for development reasons (i.e. Jack Skille and Cam Barker before final departures) or cap space crunches (i.e. Nick Leddy on off-days).
Line Blender: Q likes to mix up his lines and pairings when they aren't working, or to spread out the offense, or just because it's amusing to troll the shift chart sites. The only givens in a Blackhawks lineup are that Toews is 1C, Keith is 1D and there is a goalie between the pipes. Anything else is subject to in-game line blender (also #whirrrrr).
Meatballs: Fans whose appreciation of hockey got stuck back in 1950. Enjoy fighting, roughing, hitting, more fighting, and the more extreme opinions of Don Cherry, dislike modern statistics, attempts to limit concussions and small finesse players like Patrick Kane.
Monkey's paw: A string of injuries, often coming after good fortune. Originated when the Penguins were very injured in 2014-15 and Mirabelle theorized that Sidney Crosby had wished to be healthy all season on a monkey's paw.
Ping: The distinctive sound of a puck deflecting off of a post, "good ping!" and "bad ping!" obviously depending on whose post. Goalposts may be bribed before games so that all pings are friendly ones. The UC posts are fond of alcohol, for example. Mirabelle does it best.
PK: Many times one of the best scoring opportunities for the Hawks in any given game (see Clownshoes). aka "Hossa Time,” “Power Kill,” "Fucking Nails" in the 2013 season when it killed at a 87.2% clip. Has an inverse relationship to the quality of the PP. May be urged to succeed with the cry, "LABELS OUT!"
Province which doesn't exist, The: An imaginary Canadian province lying between Saskatchewan and BC. If it existed, it would possess two crappy hockey teams that give the Hawks fits despite being smoldering tire fires in general (See also Sam Gagner).
Rally Rats (also rally kittens, puppies and capybara): Images or gifs of animals, posted in the game day threads to encourage the Hawks to score when they are down.
Rock Vegas, The Rock, The A: Rockford, Illinois; home of the IceHogs (Blackhawks' AHL affiliate). Also bbHawks (can also be applied to other AHL teams, eg the Grand Rapids Griffins are the bbWings/bbScum).
Saboteur, The: The cause of broken sticks, usually at the most inopportune moments.
Salty east coast bias, salted caramel east coast bias: Going into the 2015 WCF, some Anaheim fans commented that the community at SCH was "salty" and suffering from "east coast bias" in saying that maybe Winnipeg and Calgary wasn't the hardest possible route to the WCF. (East coast of what, exactly? The Chicago River?)
Sarcasm: If you fail to recognize an instance of this, you have fallen into the sar-chasm. In order to avoid the sar-chasm, sarcasm font can be used by placing @ on each side of your text.
Shutout: A game with no goals against. Must not be mentioned until it is accomplished (see hockey gods).
Skills Competition, Lightsaber Duel, Freethrow Contest, HR Derby, Tiddlywinks Competition, Beer Pong, Flip Cup Contest, etc: The Shootout
Stalberg Line, Stalberg jersey: The white jerseys worn by healthy scratches in practice. (Also used by the beats). See Doghouse, The and Viktor Stalberg.
Streak, The: 24 games without a regulation defeat to open the 2013 season.
Streak that must not be named: the 9-game losing skid in early 2012.
Swedish Hawk Mafia: Originally Hjalmarsson/Stalberg/Kruger, now Hjalmarsson/Kruger/Rasmussen/Forsling
Swedish Hog Mafia: Whichever of Svedberg/Norrell/Rasmussen are currently playing for the Icehogs. The org loves drafting Swedish dmen.
Terribad: Sometimes one adjective is not enough to express the feelings towards a particular play, game, player or team. Also horrawful. Can be used in conjunction with the nouns shitshow and tire fire.
Titanium Swedes: Hjalmarsson and Kruger block shots or take hits, wince on the bench for a bit and come out for their next shifts with regularity. The theory is that Hockey Sweden has fitted them with titanium skeletons.
Toewsface: The odd facial contortions Toews makes during games. A necessary display of grotesqueness to offset the sheer brilliance and beauty of whatever Best Captain is about to unleash.
Tradebaits, Tradebait [Number]: An threat/exhortation to the team or players when they are playing poorly.
TWTW: The Will To Win. Meatballs blame every loss on a lack of this.
Walkom: An egregiously bad refereeing call. Named for Stephen Walkom's disallowing of Hjalmarsson's GWG in Game 7 against Detroit (luckily Seabrook was there to win it for the second time). Also perpetrated by Tim Peel.
You can surround your text with special characters to give it formatting (place the special characters on either side of the text, no spaces):
@ monotype (sarcasm font)
To make an unordered list, place a * and a space before each item
To make an ordered list, place a # and a space before each item
To make hover text, put a word in all caps, then place the hover text directly after it (no space) in PARENTHESES(like so).
Emojis can be used - here's a cheat sheet.