Hello folks – I asked Killion if I could come by here and get some things off my chest. First of all, like all Cubs fans, I welcome Theo Epstein to the Northside. Theo – if you ever want to get together and talk about the versatility of switch-hitters, just give me a call. I can probably find a couple from Sweden that will save your season and get you that coveted 8th spot in the playoffs… baseball does allow half of their teams into the playoffs, right?
Secondly, as a message to the annoying as shit writers of this site – stop fucking bugging me about trivial little things like Long Term IR, John Scott or Power Play songs… I don’t even have control over that last one and frankly I don’t give a shit what you basement dwellers have to say. Also, contrary to what you may have seen on this site… there have been hundreds if not thousands of pictures taken of me in my 38 years. Quit using the same goddamn one every time you get over your hangovers around 1:00PM on a Wednesday and think of something “clever” to say.
OK… now that that’s over I want to address all you wonderful readers. You may have heard some disturbing reports about your beloved Corey Crawford missing yet another practice with a minor-tiny-little-barelyworthmentioning groin injury. In the immortal words of Douglas Adams, DON’T PANIC! He’s just a little dinged up and needed some time off. It’s a long season.. these things happen from time to time. The fact that it’s only two games in shouldn’t bother you. Why would it? It’s not like we’ve got any problems with our back up goalie at the moment. Emery ensured me that his hips aren’t a problem at all.. they’re as strong as the world’s finest china. I’m not exactly sure what that means but I figure with 1 Billion people in their country they probably know a thing or two about sturdy dinnerware. So we don’t know who’s starting tomorrow night… no big deal. As K.C. Johnson wrote a little while ago, the situation is “fluid”. That’s an ironic choice of words too seeing as how Emery missed yesterday’s practice with the flu and actually can’t even keep any fluids down yet. Oh.. so yeah, I also recalled Salak from Rockford (which I ensure you is nothing like Las Vegas… these writers don’t know shit). Again, no big deal. If I’ve proven anything in my tenure so far, it’s that there’s always a cheap and easy solution in backup rookie goalies. Look at all the success I’ve had! There’s literally a never ending supply of these guys out there.. I don’t know why the rest of the league hasn’t pick up on this yet.
And even if that doesn’t put you at ease… there’s at least positive news about Ben Smith and Viktor Stalberg. Stals actually skated all by himself lately and didn’t fall over wincing in pain! The news about Smith is even better… he’s finally able to do normal things like catch up on all his This American Life podcasts without getting splitting headaches and vertigo. Not Car Talk though… all the laughing makes him fall over and just start drooling. I think that might just be a normal reaction to listening to two guys with Boston accents talk for an hour though…
Fuck me… I wonder if Marcus Kruger is versatile enough to play goalie?
-Always yours
Stanley Z. Bowman.