Let me set the scene for you – it’s finally great warm summer weekend. You’re slightly hungover from the night before but you’ve already downed several pints of water and a handful of Advil. You’re out taking your dog for a nice long walk enjoying the sunshine. Suddenly, your phone rings and you have a text message. “You’re gonna have to write about this, I’m in the middle of a fantasy draft” says one Sam Fels. “The fuck?”, you think.
Before you can put the phone back in your pocket you get another text, “Patrick Kane deserves to be thrown in jail and banned for life, that scumbag criminal miscreant. He’s not fit to be a member of society”, says your good friend Dave – a well known Red Wings fan and all around asshole.
You look at your dog, patiently waiting to continue his walk, and say, “Well Jackson, looks like we were wrong when we thought this off-season couldn’t get any worse and it was finally OK to just enjoy the summer, huh? Lets hurry back to SCH headquarters (aka – the futon in your living room) and see what’s up.”
So in case you didn’t see the news below, Patrick Kane and his “relative” were arrested last night for robbery, fourth-degree criminal mischief and theft of services. I’m guessing that the “relative” is his cousin because it’s one of the great truths of the world that going out drinking with your cousin always ends badly, always.
And so the off-season of insanity continues.. click the jump for more thoughts and discussions.
So lets break down several of the points in this story, shall we?First up, details are insanely sketchy right now. They can’t even confirm who the other Kane is. So the big thing to keep in mind is that it does NOT say who the actual puncher is. It could very well be this other Kane. Although Patrick wouldn’t be the first male of a smaller stature who gets a bit punchy at the slightest provocation when alcohol is involved.
The second is that almost without a doubt – alcohol is involved. That’s not going to shock anyone but seeing as how Kane has yet to reach the legal age to drink spirits it could just add another layer of cluster to this fuck of the summer. The only thing less shocking than when it comes out that the Kanes were drunk is the fact that some establishments in Buffalo may have served them. A hometown hero celebrity like Kane probably isn’t going to have the problems you or I did when we tried to sneak in some booze as a 20 year old.
Third, it’s clear that Kane’s father is to blame for never teaching his son how to leave a tip. In case you read this Patrick, here’s my method for cabbies. Round up the change and add a dollar. If it’s less than 40 cents to round up then add another dollar to the tip. Of course, I’m broke most of the time and you’re fucking rich so you should add several more dollars to every tip. Don’t be one of those scumbags who don’t leave decent change for people who work thankless jobs. Did you really need those dimes? Are you jealous we’re calling Ben Eager “Double Nickles on the Dime”? Do you really want us to call you “Double Dimes on the Nickle”?
Fourth – fuck cabbies. I ride my bike in the beautiful city of Chicago almost every day and it’s a constant struggle to avoid those assholes in yellow cars who will run you over to get a fare. This guy wouldn’t be the last cabbie that deserved to get punched in the face. (side note – Jokes! this guy probably didn’t deserve to get punched)
Fifth, Criminal mischief really ought to get a better name. As SCH’s resident lawyer points out, there’s some serious time that could be involved. Criminal mischief sounds more akin to TPing someone’s house. At least I now know of something that puts my arrest for “interference with an official act” to shame (long story…). It might be worth noting stories don’t really mention if Kane was charged with assault – just those three charges.
Finally, lets not go overboard with the idea of Kane’s “character issues”. He’s a young kid who got drunk and did something very very stupid, or he stood by while his relative did the stupid things. This hardly means that he’s a menace to society like those horrible Staal brothers. If you’re a fan of this site, chances are you enjoy a beer or seven from time to time. Chances are even better that you’ve done something mind-boggingly dumb while drinking. You may not have punched a cabbie but lets at least be thankful that Kane had the sense to take a cab, not get behind the wheel.
No word yet on if the cab driver also attempted to steal Kane’s mouthguard.
UPDATE: So re-reading this I realize I really focused on basically just defending Kane and make it seem like it’s not a big deal. That’s not the case. While I still want to wait til all the details come out I do realize Kane is a gigantic drunk asshole if he and his cousin attacked a cab driver over 20 cents. I just can’t believe that things would really go that far for less than a quarter… we’ll see though
Update: I just want to point out that the only dumb thing I do while drunk is write this blog.-Sam