Dear Patrick Kane, Please Stop Drinking Because You Suck At It

Dear Kaner,

Oh here we go again. You can't help yourself, can you? But you know what Kaner, this isn't an email to tell you that you're a role model or that you're representing the Hawks or any of that crap. You can do whatever you want. You're 23, you're a millionaire, you basically have a key to several cities. Take advantage, so few people are where you are.

But you have to stop, because you suck at it. Seriously, you're like terrible.

I've seen the biggest douchebags from Highland Park who can handle their liquor better than you. And you're somehow doing this off of light beer. Light beer?! How's this even possible? Take it from McClure, Hack, and myself and anyone here who has been out with us for a night. We drink a lot. Like more than most. And yet I can't recall ever having the cops called out on me and I've been asked to leave a bar exactly once in my life. And that was by a friend who was working there who was basically just looking out for me, not because I was causing a scene.

Good god, Killion drinks beer for a living -- and good beer, unlike the swill you pile home -- and I don't even know when he's off. He could drink a garbage truck load of that crap you are and still be cleared to operate heavy machinery.

You know how terrible you are at drinking? You're a celebrity in Chicago, with money to throw around, and there are plenty of bars that never want to see you again. Do you know how hard that is to do? You're such a burden when you're drinking that bars that could benefit from your spotlight don't want any part of you. It seems almost impossible.

There are tons of ways to have a great time and take home whatever 10 you can find. It doesn't have to be in the mode of a 17-year old whose parents left him alone in the mansion for a weekend.

Seriously? Picking fights at 5-8? Choking women? Being a dick to whoever crosses your path, especially girls? Passing out in the bar multiple times? That's not cool, or funny, or even sad. It just means you suck at drinking. As a fellow drunk, this insults me the most. You're giving the rest of us a bad name. Just like Lindsay Lohan.

And you should stop doing something you suck at. Look, I can't sing or play the guitar. You don't see me auditioning to be in a band, do you? My endurance is low, so I didn't go sign up for the fucking marathon. I helped a guy demo and redesign his house. The thing nearly fucking collapsed thanks to my work. So I'm not out trying to be a private contractor, am I?

I'd tell you to grow the fuck up, but I don't have to. The Hawks will. Because that's the last step before they trade you Kane, and you know they will. You went through this last year, remember? And yet, according to people here and there, everything was handled privately. Won't be this time. Don't be shocked Kaner when McDonough or Bowman or somebody stands in front of a bunch of microphones and says something to the effect of "Patrick Kane has embarrassed the organization and his teammates." It's coming.

And then they're going to see how you respond. Will you thumb your nose and get caught shoving your hand up some unsuspecting flusie's skirt at Excalibur or something? Will you end up as a Deadspin Hero once again? If you do, you might not like where you end up.

But I'm not here to appeal to morality, and you wouldn't care if I was. In fact, you make an excellent teachable moment for a lot of parents of Kaner-loving children out there. But I'm appealing to pride in your work. And Kane, you're simply terrible at drinking. You couldn't be worse. Let me put it in terms you can understand: You're Hal Gill of drinking. You're the Andrew Ladd Dump In On A Shootout level of drinking. You're Steve Mason at drinking.

So I'm not asking you stop. Just get better at it, because you've sucked at it for five years now. You'd have been cut by two teams if this were hockey. You'd be in the ECHL. You're 23 now. That's when you're supposed to start to know what you're doing. But you're not.

So you need to stop. Because you suck at it.


The Professional Drinkers at SCH