As most of you know, in every issue of the Committed Indian we do a Q&A with a blogger for that night’s opponent. However, with the Blues coming in three times a year, I get awfully sick of asking St. Louis Gametime’s Sean Gallagher questions, and I worry that making him work that hard for a third time in a season might cause his brain to ooze out his ear and head down to the river to drown itself. So last night I tried something different. I asked JJ from Winging It In Motown, who hates the Blues something fierce, some Blues related questions. In the interest of fairness, I allowed Gallagher the chance to retort. Here is the result, and let me tell you, it is EPIC.
What have you thought of the Blues season this year?
JJ: They’ve certainly been successful. I’ve also thought that most intelligent hockey fans would call this the most boring NHL season since the lockout. “Obstruction on Ice” sounds like a shitty episode of Law & Order (redundant), not like it should be a theme to a hockey season. I’m having trouble figuring out which of the two above statements is the chicken and which is the egg here; all I know is that it smells like prolapsed cloaca.
Gallagher: Nice work, Fels. Tie my wrist to the wrist of a Wing fan and put knives in our other hands so we can fight for your amusement. Fine. Just know that when they untie JJ from me, it’s your turn in the pit. No sending your gimp brother this time, either.
As for JJ’s answer? You hear that? It’s the sweet sound of the once-cocky fan finding a way to disparage someone else’s success. Because everyone envies the high-flying Wings like Bertuzzi, Cleary, Holmstrom, Franzen and whatever other zombies that team is suiting up every night. “Detroit Hockey: Playing Firewagon Hockey At Five MPH.”
How far do you think the Blues can go?
According to Barret Jackman, they can go about 200 miles west of San Jose before falling off the edge of the world and dying.
When Johan Franzen learns how to breathe with his mouth closed you are allowed to make Neanderthal jokes. That also goes for any team that employs Brandon Bollig, Fels.
Aren’t you impressed with the classy way Blues fans have handled their newfound success?
Watching those bumbling retards stumble through the kinds of arguments that fans of successful teams have to deal with regularly has been like a six-month-long episode of ‘The Beverly Hillbillies’, except all of the women are as hot as Granny Clampett and 90% of the men are playing a spot-on Jethro.
Have you seen the show Hardcore Pawn? It’s literally the only thing that ever made me feel compassion for anyone from Detroit ever. The denizens of that town are the saddest, most beaten down and futureless people on the face of the Earth. People fleeing genocide in Africa are like, “You’ll relocate me to Detroit? Nah, man, this shit ain’t that bad. I only had one arm hacked off with a machete.”
Of course, about 90% of the mouthiest Wings fans, like JJ, aren’t even from Detroit, so they can’t claim that area for themselves. Instead they get to say stuff like, “I may be a Red Wings fan from Kansas, but that’s only because I became a fan of hockey when they were great. Kinda like how I became a Patriots fan back when Tom Brady started getting good.”
Isn’t David Backes all that is man?
David Backes is indeed the ultimate example of what every man should strive to be. He’s great at hockey, but also humble enough to not be anywhere on the front page on NHL.com’s important statistical categories like goals or points. We can’t judge this Übermensch solely on that which is recorded by the philistines at the scorer’s tables though. It’s important to know that he does all of the little things which make the Blues successful, like making sure the lights are dim enough not to hurt David Perron’s eyes and keeping Ken Hitchcock’s sausage gravy faucet running smoothly and at just the right temperature. One can’t overlook the work he did when he successfully averted an explosive disaster created by a teammate once asking Ian Cole to spell Carlo Colaiacovo’s entire name without drawing the letters in the air with his index finger.
Johan. Franzen. Tomas. Holmstrom. Todd. Bertuzzi. Jonathan. Ericsson. David Backes is finishing his degree in either Electrical Engineering, Physics or Mathematics, he’s not sure which yet. Ian Cole will graduate from Notre Dame University with a Psychology degree. Nice work: You just brought a fucking bunch of dummies to a genius fight.
Finally, finish this sentence: If I were as ugly as Sean Gallagher, I would _____
Try kidnapping a French chick in the hopes that she would develop Stockholm Syndrome and magically turn my appliances back into people. The vacuum cleaner is getting too judgmental.
I may have a vacuum I keep on the side, but that bitch answers to the name of Pavel Datsuck. As for JJ (who really wants people to know he is from Kansas), people in houses made of really ugly inbred people should not throw stones.
JJ and his master from the Ass 2 Mouth website love to think of me as some sort of leader of an angry Blues mob. Trust me, these angry, abusive, overserved masses need no leader. But if I was one (as JJ likes to be with the Wing “fans”) you can be sure I’d be smarter than to go on his website and write something as quotable as he wrote on our site back in December regarding the last Blues-Wings game of the season, which takes place next week: “The Wings will be coasting and the Blues will be fighting the Hawks for home ice. April 4th is going to be decided by whether or not Detroit feels like letting the Blues have a home playoff series.”
Hmm. If he’s lucky, his Wings won’t have to face all the Blues starters. You know, if we want to let them have home ice in the playoffs.This year has been fun, but in three years it’ll be even more fun to check in with JJ to see how his new favorite team is doing. My guess is it’ll be the Oilers by then.
Now, Fels, cut this guy off my wrist and get down here.