SCH Theater: Pittsburgh Fans Have Sensitive Ears - A One Act Play and A True Story


Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - Melon Arena (aka The Igloo) Section B12, December 5th, 2009

Cast of Characters:

Matthew - A Blackhawks fan in a sea of black gold and powder blue.

Nicholas - Pittsburgh native, Penguins fan, all around good guy.

Monkey - Nicholas' roommate, fellow Pittsburgh native.

Alana - Attending her first ever hockey game with Matthew, Nicholas and Monkey

Unnamed Blackhawks fan - Originally from Chicago but now living in Harrisburg, happens to be sitting next to Matthew

Grandfather #1 - A surly old man

Grandfather #2 - Not quite as surly as #1, but no less of a prick

Granddaughter - A cute young girl with a giant stuffed penguin.

(Matthew, Nicholas, Monkey and Alana are in their seats, drinking, laughing and generally just happy to be at the arena after nearly getting into a car accident on the way due to some black ice... It took Matthew about 2 minutes to calm down, make sure he and his friends are all alive and compose himself enough to make an inappropriate Metallica joke.  The crowd stands and the national anthem begins.)Nicholas: (to Matthew) That's the girl my cousin banged.. He..

Matthew: (Interrupting) "I'm listening to the fucking song!"

Grandfather #1: (turns around in his seat to face Matthew)  HEY!  You need to watch yourself.  I've got my ten year old granddaughter here (points to previously unnoticed child) and I don't want her to have to deal with this.

Alana: (speechless)

Matthew: Whoa, hey, sorry I didn't see her there.

Grandfather #1: Well we're here as a family and I expect you to behave.  If I have to keep listening to your bullshit I'll get someone here to kick you all out

Monkey: (Snicker)

Grandfather #1:  What are you laughing at?  Are you trying to pick a fight?

Monkey:  No sir, I just find it ironic that you used the word "bullshit" while you're angry at us for saying something similar

Grandfather #1:  Yeah well that just shows you how serious I am.

Alana: (Speechless)

Matthew: Look man it was an accident.

Grandfather #1:  You just watch your mouth and we'll try to enjoy the game.

Matthew: I think I'll enjoy it too

(Grandfather #1 gets up to go get some cotton candy or some other bullshit)

Unnamed Blackhawks Fan: (to Matthew) What the hell was that?

Matthew:  Oh, I just didn't notice the kid and said the "f-word" and that guy flipped.

Grandfather #2: (turns angrily to Matthew)  That's because we're not going to take anything from you!

Alana:  (speechless)

Matthew: Whoa, look man, I didn't see her and I've already apologized

Grandfather #2:  We are serious here, you need to behave

Matthew: You really should calm down - it was an accident.

Grandfather #2: You don't tell me to calm down - BLAH BLAH BLAH

Matthew: (to Nicholas)  I guess some people aren't big Slapshot fans.

(Amazingly, Matthew is able to watch his mouth and doesn't even yell "What the fuck are you doing, Barker!?!" once throughout the entire game.  Luckily the family leaves midway through the third period so they don't hear Matthew utter "shit" as the Pens score - and the granddaughter doesn't get her heart broken by VERSTEEG! in OT)