SCH's All Star Fantasy Draft

Because we're here to give you the most useless content imaginable here at SCH, Hack, Killion, Sam, and I all sat down at our respective computers like total poindexters tonight to hash out the All Star rosters ourselves. Sam and Kills were on one team, and Hack and I on the other. We adhered to the rules as best we could with how the selections were supposed to go since there were no alternates picked yet, and one team certainly followed the rules better than the other, but you'll have to slog through the entire mess of a chat transcript to see just how it all went down. Read it after the jump, if ye be of stout heart...

Sam: We select Sidney Crosby with our first pick. With our second pick, we select what's left of his brain

McClure: Excellent choice.

Hack and I will be selecting the very pointy faced Steven Stamkos as our first selection

Sam: Terrible pick

Just awful

McClure: Your move, men

Killion: Well then.. I've always wondered what Ovechkin would be like on Crosby's wing.. so lets find out

Sam: genius

Hack: we're going with LA Kings, wait, Dallas Stars center Brad Richards

Sam: Terrible pick

McClure: Thank you Mel Keiper

Hack: I'd kill for that widows peak

I bet sam would too

Sam: One to talk, sir.

Kris Letang

McClure: Oooh, hot bald on bald action

Sam: Is now ours

Sam: Hey Matt, why don't you share with the class what you've said about Hack's dome in the past?

Hack: It's a mess, bald spots, peaks, valleys

Killion: Cause some infighting... i like it. good strategy Fels

We'll have them acting like former owners of the Lightning in no time

McClure: If you think that trying to initiate some intra-team squabble is going to keep me from taking Jonathan Fucking Toews next, you've got another thing coming

Because it's not. We take Toews.

Sam: Terrible pick

Just...just awful

Hack: when you say that, I think Barkley, turrible

Killion: With the fourth pick.. we take whichever one of those Sedins that plays center and scores all the points

Sam: Simply genius.

McClure: Schlomo?

Schlomo Sedin?

Sam: Stunning intellect on this side.

I think it's Herbert

Killion: Cool Runnings is on HBO..

just thought you all should know




Sam: So's Jay and Silent Bob strike back, but the part where Elize Dushku touches herself is over.


McClure: Her too

Hack: So we're going with Chara

Sam: They're having a party

Terrible pick

Killion: awful

Hack: I miss john candy

just sayin

Sam: Our collective throbbing brain takes Tim The Tank Thomas

McClure: You motherfuckers

Well, in that case, we select the blackened terror of Jonas Hiller and his mask

Sam: Awful pick

Just horrific

McClure: Gaze not into the abyss, as the abyss gazes also into you, bitches

Killion: We also demand you pick Andrei Kostitsyn so Thomas can take another whack at him

Sam: We demand that you pick Andrei Kostitsyn because he'll have the best drugs.

Killion: Have you seen Roloson's all white mask?

he's the anti-Hiller

Hack: white swan?

McClure: Because he sucks and he's a dickwad, not because of his mask

Sam: Wouldn't be a SCH party without a dickwad mention

Hack: speaking of dickwads, you guys are up

Killion: We're honored to take the first Right Winger of the draft.. Martin St. Louie

Sam: Genius

Simply brilliant.

My eyes hurt from the glare of intelligence

Hack: Our eyes hurt from the glare of King Henrik's bling, so we'll take him

Killion: bling?

Sam: Terrible pick

McClure: You're just jealous of Henrik's extensive wardrobe, Fels

Sam: We take Toby Enstrom and his special long stick

Which does better work than Hack's bald head, doesn't it McClure? Eh? Eh? Is this beer on?

Killion: Enstrom kind of looks like a goomba.. but only from the live action mario movie

McClure: Well fine, we then take the Peter North to Toby Enstrom's Ron Jeremy, Shea Weber

Killion: by the way.. this spreadsheet thing is awesome Hack.

now that I've figured out how to use it

Sam: Awful awful pick

Killion: Team Fels/Killion is trying to break your heart... we take Patrick Sharp simply so McClure can't have him

Sam: I can't tell if this is entertaining yet

oh, brilliance.

Can you believe that brilliance?

McClure: Fine, keep him. See if I care.

Sam: Simply astonishing.

Hack: we'll go with Hawks 61's guy, Cam Ward

Sam: Woeful

Just woeful

We take Drinky McGoo, otherwise known as Carey Price.

get the cigs and hookers.

McClure: Seems fitting he'd be in an all star game on tobacco road

I wonder if he'll do his pose in honor of Petey Pablo, the only rapper from North Carolina I can think of

Sam: He'll do his pose when he bails Kaner out of jail.

McClure: Well, since you had to trifle with our taking of Patrick Sharp, we will take a big fucking machete to the umbilical cord and select the other Sedin, Cornelius.

Sam: We were hoping you would do that. Moronic pick.

Killion: Played right into our hands

Sam: Such genius, Killion

Killion: Well.. we're bound by the rules of the game here. We have to take the only goalie left on the board. Flower it is

McClure: Fuckface

Killion: hopefully he and Price don't get stuck in a dressing room pose-off

Sam: You're going up dere you fucking fuckface

Hack: we're gonna take Duncs, just because we dare forwards to block shots in the all star game

Sam: terrible.

We take Ryan Kesler. COWARDS!!!!!!!!

McClure: Thank you Brendan Fraser

Sam: Thank you for stating your obvious movie knowledge.

You think people will have read this far?

I doubt it.

"This one's called, 'me fans are stupid pigs."



Hack: I can't think of anything witty to say, Malkin

Sam: If you're still reading this, then we can't help you

Hack: which for everyone else it's a layup

Sam: Terrible pick

Simply hilariously bad

McClure: Not as hilariously bad as the mouth agape look on Geno's face

Killion: we'll take everyone's favorite Geico spokesman... Mike Green

Sam: and his scooter

Hack: When russian 1st cousins mate?

Killion: does he have to ride the scooter to the game?

McClure: I think so, just so some hilljack can throw an empty tin of Copenhagen at him

Sam: We take Claude Giroux. Giroux giroux

Oh wait, it'snot our turn

I'm getting our Matt's confused.

Well hurry up

McClure: Premature as usual

Fine, WE take Claude Giroux

Sam: Whatever, I got mine

Killion: you tipped our hand

Sam: That's exactly what I wanted you to do! Mwahahaha!

It's a trap!

Everyone knows Giroux has Rabies and will infect your whole dressing room

McClure: He probably got it from Hartnell

Sam: Fine, we take Loui Eriksson, so now we have Sharp and Diet Sharp and McClure can't have any Sharp

McClure: You treacherous twat

Sam: Is this over yet? I stopped caring long ago and no one will have read this far.

Hack: oh they will read

Sam: People will read, Ray, people will read.

They'll read these picks and they won't know why

Hack: Like when we take Marc Staal and everyone let's out a big AND 1 OOOOOOOHH shit, at their draft parties

Killion: someone check on McClure.. he may be choking on a hotdog righ tnow

Hack: like that kid in field of dreams

Sam: This draft will remind people of what was once good, and could be good.

oh people will read, people will most definitely read

It was the daughter

and if McClure's chocking on a hotdog, it's because someone intentionally shoved it down his throat

Killion: Marc Staal isn't in the all star game

is he?

Sam: Apparently

According to this neato spreadsheet

And the spreadsheet never lies, Kills

McClure: Words to live by

Hack: except when I called M Staal E Staal, it lied for a second

now I know what it feels like to be a parent to a staal

Sam: No, reality shifted for that period of time

Killion: ahh.. i still have him as a second E Staal

Sam: He was actually named Eric for the time he was listed as so on the sheet.

THat's the power Hack's sheet wields.

Why haven't you picked yet?

Killion: i got confused

and had to get a beer

Sam: Wait you weren't just taking Staal were you

Hack: yes

you forgot to evaluate the pick

Sam: Terrible

McClure: Well now that that's settled...

Killion: Just to speed this along.. We'll take Burns because he's got an awesome beard

at least in this one picture I'm looking at

McClure: And Killion loves an awesome beard

Hack: pictures in the spreadsheet, boss

McClure: As the door hinges at the Whirlaway can attest

Sam: By crackee!

Killion: i love beards, shots, and making an ass out of myself

in that order

Sam: Send beard, shots and money! The shit has hit the fan!

I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada and trader vic's...

His hair was perfect

Hack: We'll take that dude that makes people boo Campbel, Dan Boyle

Killion: bastards

McClure: We're only doing that because this game won't involve much of the defensive zone, where we know Boyle has issues

Hack: you guys somehow have to take 2 dmen in 1 round

which isn't possible

so you'll have to put a forward back on the board

Killion: backwards skating isn't allowed unless it's the trick shot competition

fuck your rules Hack

Sam: Fuck your terrible rules and terrible picks

Hack: hey, I didn't make the rules, bettman hired someone to make the rules

while he eats cereal

Sam: We're taking Karlsson

And you can have Buff

McClure: Oh, see

You HAVE to take Buff

We already have 6 D

Hack: we already have 6 D men

Sam: No, we don't

And we shan't

Killion: fuck.. they're right

Sam: Whatever, we're setting up our roster however we please

Hack: so let's just toss crosby back on the board and you can put buff in the number 1 spot

McClure: But who will think about the children!

Sam: No, we take Karlsson. Your pick

McClure: We take David Backes just to deal with the sheer amount of Canadians on your squad

Sam: Corey Perry to up the vagina level on our team

And Backes is an awful pick

Hack: not as awful as you taking buff

Sam: We haven't yet

And won't

Killion: we refuse buff..

mostly out of principle

McClure: We see your Corey Perry's vagina and raise you one tucked wiener from Rick Nash

Sam: It's like Mooslevania

Awful pick

Hey Kills, can you believe these guys are gonna have 7 d-men?

Killion: Backstage and Underage.. we pick Matt Duchene


Hack: To deal with the brightness of the aforementioned Henrik bling, we'll take the tinted visor of an Anze Kopitar

Sam: Simply awful

Hey Briere can play wing, so we take Ratatouille

Which means Briere

Killion: a fine hockey player.. and probably a fine cheese as well

Sam: The only way this could have been worse is we had all met up and video taped this

Hack: with extra shots of my head

just so people know what's up

Sam: I genuinely feel for anyone who's made it this far, this is worse than a Simmons chat.


Killion: are there just a glut of right wingers still available?

McClure: But not as bad as a Puck Daddy chat, mostly due to Justin Bourne's involvement

Hack: I'm finding it very enjoyable, except for a certain team not following the rules

Sam: There are no rules! This is SPART....I mean Second City Hockey!

Forget it Marge, it's SCH

My computer shows its 2 degrees


that's not even real

Hack: why is your computer outside?

McClure: With our next selection, we take Phil Kessel, who's one nutty guy in the locker room I hear

Sam: ZING!

McClure will be here all da veek

McClure: Tip your waitress, enjoy the veal.


McClure: The jokes are thinning out with the draft pool

Sam: We got Kaner and Price so you know we got all the blow and ho's too, bizznitches!

McClure: And so marks the longest Kaner's ever lasted, even when whacked out of his skull on Busch Lights and Jager Bombs

Sam: See folks? He can't help himself!

He has to make these jokes. He's had two, count 'em two, endurance jokes tonight.

Guys, Hemsky or Elias, it isn't hard.

Hack: so many choices

Hemsky for us

Killion: or Buff

Sam: And we take Elias

Enjoy Buff

Hack: we'll take aaron rogers

he's hot right now

Sam: Have you done Alex Brown yet?

McClure: He's next

Sam: Good, can I go now?

McClure: And we're stuck with Buff. The indignities never cease.

You cheating dicks

Sam: Awesome.

Hack: Which Dman will you be double shifting

Killion: if you're not cheating.. you're not trying

Sam: Team Kill Sam will win this game 192-0

Killion: we're going to make Price skate as a d-man for the period he's not playing goal

Sam: and then we take on the Mini ditkas

Killion: McClure.. any more endurance jokes?

McClure: No, this has gone on long enough


Killion: well.. it's been a pleasure gentlemen

Hack: so we're not setting our lines

McClure: Q's coaching

They're going to change every period anyway

What's the point

So as you can see, it was quite the special event. Our rosters are below, and I'm still playing this game under protest due to those cheating turds.