Editor’s Note – This post ran last year as a primer for everyone who grew a playoff beard. We’re bringing it back again this year for all of our new readers, with a few changes. – McClure
While some may argue the origins of the tradition, it is now standard practice to abandon any chance of getting laid by not shaving while your team is involved in the playoffs. Some teams have gotten creative in past years, as the Canadiens a few years back all grew Fu Manchus, and the New Jersey Devils, on the brink of elimination, carved their beards into what can only be described as child-molester moustaches. There are few sights in this world more humorous than Scott Gomez with a dirt-lip moustache. (If anyone can find any YouTube footage of a postgame interview I remember him giving while ‘stached, please share it. It’s priceless)
With that being said, here are a few of the guidelines that I follow, and I will be growing a hideous, Orton-esque neck beard during the Blackhawks‘ playoff run, however long it lasts.
- Become completely clean shaven before the first game. Give yourself a nice baselilne to work with, tabula rasa, if you want to get all academic. This is metaphorical for the team as well, as everything from the regular season is wiped away with the start of the “real” season. Personally, I will be shaving this evening for what will hopefully be the the last time until June.
Your facial hair is to remain untouched during the duration of the playoff run. No sculpting, no trimming, no anything. No blade to face in any way, shape, or form until the playoffs end, either pleasantly or unpleasantly. I don’t care how unkempt it gets, or how little you will get laid as a result, victory has a price that you need to be willing to pay.
To those with pre-existing facial hair, it’s recommended that you go clean shaven, but if you’re not willing to part with your long standing beard, goatee, or even the vaunted “geard”, then it must be trimmed down to the bare minimum. Of the three of us, I do not rock consistent facial hair, but Killion will be losing his glorious everyday beard in favor of a freshly grown playoff beard, while Sam cannot fully part with his Scott Ian goatee, so he’s going to be trimming it down. - I know we have a substantial female readership here at SCH for whom beard growing is nigh impossible without a lot of hormone injections, so if you ladies feel superstitious enough to let either the legs or the clam (or both) go for the duration of the post season, that’s entirely up to you. But if you’re going to go that far, I’d suggest you be prepared to take it the distance. We’re all about women’s rights here at SCH.
And that’s that. It’s pretty simple, really. So, throw away those razors. It’s time to beard up. Now what everyone’s been waiting for……
April 12th – Beard Of The Day – Michael Anthony, aka “The Secret Weapon”
Diamond Dave and Eddie provided all of the flash and guitar virtuosity for Van Halen, but it’s Anthony’s reliable bass lines and killer vocal harmonies, and yes, his beard, that stirred the drink for the band, and earned him the nickname “The Secret Weapon”. Plus, his love of whiskey, as exemplified by the Jack Daniel’s bass he so regularly used, is something that we here at the SCH offices obviously fully endorse. Seriously, how many kinds of awesome is that picture?